DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of two years, "Marc," has been talking a lot about marriage lately. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. There is, however, one fly in the ointment: I was born a biological male.

I have never felt like a man, Abby. I have lived as a woman since high school, and when I was 25, underwent surgery to change my sex. I have never regretted my decision and, up until now, my family has always been supportive.

As I have always been a woman in every way that matters, I have never seen any reason to tell any man I've dated that I was born with male genitalia. My brother recently asked me if I had told Marc about my surgery and was shocked to learn that I had not.

He implored me to tell Marc, but I feel that my past is completely irrelevant to our relationship today. My brother thinks that I am obligated to confess to Marc, and he has threatened to tell him if I don't.

Marc loves me very much and would support me no matter what, but I have left my past behind me, and I feel no reason to needlessly disturb our relationship. How do I convince my brother to let this go? -- AT A LOSS IN NEW YORK

DEAR AT A LOSS: Although you may not think that the fact that you are a transsexual is relevant, it is presumptuous to think that you can speak for Marc. He needs to know the whole truth, and to keep it from him could constitute fraud. You did not mention whether he is planning on having children with you, and, loving him as you do, you need to be fair to him.

A marriage that is based on a lie is no marriage at all. It would always hang over you, and surely there are many others besides your brother who know about your sex change. My advice is to tell Marc everything before someone else does. Your future with him could depend upon his hearing the news from you -- and nobody else but you.

DEAR ABBY: I have read your column since I was in high school, and I want to share with you the results of one of your columns from the past.

I remember reading on Mother's and Father's Day that the best way to honor your parents is to write them a letter telling them why you love them. My father passed away suddenly last week from a heart attack. He was 59 years old. My father had saved a letter that I wrote him in 1996 telling him why I loved him, which I found late last week. I read it at the memorial service as a tribute to what a wonderful person and parent he was.

I want to thank you for that advice, Abby, as reading that letter was the most difficult thing I have ever done. However, it was the best way possible to honor my father. -- JIM R., PLEASANT HILL, CALIF.

DEAR JIM: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the unexpected loss of your father. Thank you for writing to reinforce for me and my readers the importance of saying what is in our hearts while the people we love are still around and able to understand what we are saying. Carpe diem!

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I spent a long weekend at a hotel with a number of other friends and acquaintances. I found out later that he had allowed one of his male friends to use our room for a tryst with someone else's wife.

Should I continue to trust a man who would aid and abet another couple in committing adultery? -- WONDERING IN MOBILE, ALA.

DEAR WONDERING: Wonder no more. A husband who would turn his hotel room over to another man so that man could engage in illicit sex would have no hesitation about asking for the favor to be returned.

(P.S. I hope they were considerate enough to have had the sheets and linens changed afterward.)

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 14-year-old girl who often hears negative comments directed at teenagers as a whole. The other day I was sitting in a bookstore, quietly reading, when an employee commented to a customer that "some teenagers were just in here -- that's probably why the display is a mess!"

I have heard other strangers make remarks about teens being lazy, slovenly, apathetic and rude. If these comments were directed at specific ethnic or religious groups, they would be regarded as discrimination, so I want to know if my saying something to these people would be appropriate -- and also why ageism, clearly a hurtful form of stereotyping, is acceptable when it's directed at young people.

I am tired of being followed by store owners and watching other passengers on the bus grab their belongings and scoot away when I come near them. What should I do? - - SICK OF AGEISM IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR SICK OF AGEISM: Although times change, human nature does not. While I agree that many upstanding teens get a bad rap, it might interest you to see this 5th century B.C. quotation attributed to Socrates: "Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders, and love chatter in places of exercise. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble food and tyrannize their teachers."

In your case, I don't think scolding or lecturing the offenders would be helpful. Any intelligent person knows that the vast majority of teens today are honest, hardworking, law-abiding and upstanding.

Therefore, if you are being followed around by store owners, and bus passengers grab their belongings and scoot away when they see you, it's time to take a critical look at how you present yourself. Is there something about your appearance that could be considered weird or threatening? If the answer is "maybe," then it's time for a makeover.

DEAR ABBY: I was married last weekend in a small family setting. It is the second marriage for both my husband and me. My father left right after the ceremony, took Mom with him, and missed our wedding reception in order to watch a college football game. He had never met my in-laws before.

I am furious and embarrassed, and I'm not sure how to get over the hurt of knowing a game he could have taped on his VCR was more important than being with me at such an important event. Can you give me any advice? -- WOUNDED BRIDE IN NEBRASKA

DEAR WOUNDED BRIDE: Your father either dropped the ball, or he was sending a message to you and your new in-laws. Perhaps he is still upset over the failure of your first marriage. Or, he may not like your new husband. But the way he chose to show it was cruel and insensitive, and has probably created a rift where he had an opportunity to build a bridge. Sad for you, but sadder for Dad.

Try to forgive him, concentrate on building a successful marriage, and do not look to your parents for approval -- because if you do, you will only leave yourself open to more disappointment.

DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, a close friend passed away at the young age of 29. Every year, on or close to the anniversary of his death, I send his family a card to let them know that I am thinking of them and have not forgotten.

I am now wondering if I should continue to send cards or if it is time to stop. I don't want them to feel as though nobody remembers. Do I just stop sending the card? -- REMEMBERING A FRIEND IN OHIO

DEAR REMEMBERING: You did not mention whether your cards have been acknowledged by the family. If they have been, then continue to send them. However, if they have not been acknowledged, it is time to stop.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago I had an affair with a woman I met at a local benefit. I'll call her "Desiree." As luck would have it, a few years later, Desiree would become my sister-in-law.

My wife has always been jealous of her "more attractive" sister. She reminds me of that fact every time we visit. Now Desiree is having money problems, and she's threatening to tell my wife about our "history" if I don't accommodate her needs.

My marriage is already on thin ice because I ran over my wife's dog and forgot our anniversary in the same week. What should I do? -- BLACKMAILED IN BURBANK

DEAR BLACKMAILED: If you knuckle under to your sister-in-law's threats, her money problems will be over and you will be paying her off for the duration of your marriage. Be smart. Nip this in the bud by telling your wife everything. It isn't your fault that you met her sister first. You should thank your lucky stars that you wound up marrying the right one.

DEAR ABBY: I am a young woman who has entered the workforce for the first time. I work at a large company that employs very few women. Abby, I am a very average girl who has never been the center of attention, but here at work it's a different story. Here, I get treated like a supermodel.

People fawn over me, ask me personal questions, ask me out and just want to be my friend. It's hard to get work done with so many men coming by every day, and it's embarrassing for me.

I have tried to be cold to some of them to get them to stop coming by, but it doesn't work. How can I discourage random people from coming by just to say "Hi" and have a conversation all the time? They don't start conversations with all the men who sit near me, so why should they start one with me? It's making me want to leave the company and never come back. -- PLAIN JANE IN TEXAS

DEAR PLAIN JANE: The time has come to have a talk with your supervisor or director of human resources about this. What appears to be "friendliness" is hampering your work performance and could be construed as sexual harassment. Please do not leave the company. Instead, make a formal report about what has been happening. It is up to management to put a stop to this -- and if they don't, it should be reported to the local labor board.

DEAR ABBY: My sister sent out an invitation for a baby shower to be held for her son's wife. The invitation gave the address where the shower was to be held, and at the bottom of the invitation was a handwritten note that read: "To be held at 'Greg's' new home."

I interpreted the note as a "suggestion" that guests bring a housewarming gift as well as a baby gift. Otherwise, the invitation would have just given the address. Is this a new gimmick now? To try to get as many gifts as people can? I acknowledged the invitation by sending my regrets.

It just hit me the wrong way. I now keep my distance from the family and do not attend any family functions. I rarely visit or have contact with any of them. I would appreciate your opinion. -- SISTER "LIZZY" IN ARIZONA

DEAR "LIZZY": I don't know your sister, but if the note at the bottom of the invitation was a bid for an extra gift, it was certainly a veiled one. Because you asked for my opinion, I'll give it to you straight: I think you overreacted.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)