DEAR ABBY: I am in dire need of your help. I have four brothers and one sister. My oldest brother stays with his girlfriend. My sister stays out of town. My second-oldest brother goes to college during the week and comes home on weekends. This leaves me, my third-oldest brother and my little brother at home.

We have certain chores that have to be done when we get home from school, and they must be completed before Mom comes home. The problem is, my third-oldest brother goes up the street and my little brother goes somewhere else, leaving me at home to do all the work.

When Mom gets home and the work isn't done, she blames me, even though there are two more people here that could have helped me. Abby, please tell my mother that if three people are meant to do chores, she shouldn't blame just me! -- MAD AND CONFUSED SISTER, BIRMINGHAM, ALA.

DEAR MAD AND CONFUSED: Please clip this column and share it with your mother. It's unfair that your brothers run off, leaving you with all the chores, while your mother chooses to ignore their lack of responsibility. She should make a chart that defines specifically which jobs are to be done by each member of the household and when. And if the chores are not completed when your mother gets home, the guilty parties should be reprimanded -- not you. To do otherwise shows sexist and antiquated logic.

DEAR ABBY: I need advice about visiting a person who is going into hospice care with terminal cancer. I know this woman socially. We've always been cordial, but I am not a close friend.

What is the most comforting approach? After, "I'm sorry you're sick," I am not sure how to proceed. -- WANTS TO REACH OUT IN BOULDER

DEAR WANTS TO REACH OUT: There is some confusion about hospice. Some people think hospice is a place, but it is really a program. In other words, people can be "in hospice care" at home.

I recommend you give your friend a call, ask if she's "in the mood" for company, and if there is anything you can bring with you on your visit. (Most people in hospice care are no longer worried about their figures. She might welcome a box of candy or her favorite ice cream.)

When you see her, tell her how sorry you are that she's ill -- and go armed with all the latest gossip, too. What's most important is not to hang crepe. Treat her as you always have. She may be dying, but there's life in the lady yet. Remember that, and I'm sure your visit will be rewarding for both of you.

DEAR ABBY: I have just been invited to my third "grandma-to-be" baby shower. I am disgusted by this trend, especially knowing the mother-to-be has had three baby showers already (a family one, a friends one and a work one).

Have you heard of this, and what are your thoughts about "grandma" baby showers? Please do not reveal my name or location. -- ASKANCE IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR ASKANCE: If the grandmother will be doing a lot of baby-sitting and cannot afford the equipment she'll need, then I can see why there might be a shower. But frankly, I have never heard of a "grandma-to-be" shower, and the idea strikes me as somewhat excessive.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of two years, "Marc," has been talking a lot about marriage lately. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. There is, however, one fly in the ointment: I was born a biological male.

I have never felt like a man, Abby. I have lived as a woman since high school, and when I was 25, underwent surgery to change my sex. I have never regretted my decision and, up until now, my family has always been supportive.

As I have always been a woman in every way that matters, I have never seen any reason to tell any man I've dated that I was born with male genitalia. My brother recently asked me if I had told Marc about my surgery and was shocked to learn that I had not.

He implored me to tell Marc, but I feel that my past is completely irrelevant to our relationship today. My brother thinks that I am obligated to confess to Marc, and he has threatened to tell him if I don't.

Marc loves me very much and would support me no matter what, but I have left my past behind me, and I feel no reason to needlessly disturb our relationship. How do I convince my brother to let this go? -- AT A LOSS IN NEW YORK

DEAR AT A LOSS: Although you may not think that the fact that you are a transsexual is relevant, it is presumptuous to think that you can speak for Marc. He needs to know the whole truth, and to keep it from him could constitute fraud. You did not mention whether he is planning on having children with you, and, loving him as you do, you need to be fair to him.

A marriage that is based on a lie is no marriage at all. It would always hang over you, and surely there are many others besides your brother who know about your sex change. My advice is to tell Marc everything before someone else does. Your future with him could depend upon his hearing the news from you -- and nobody else but you.

DEAR ABBY: I have read your column since I was in high school, and I want to share with you the results of one of your columns from the past.

I remember reading on Mother's and Father's Day that the best way to honor your parents is to write them a letter telling them why you love them. My father passed away suddenly last week from a heart attack. He was 59 years old. My father had saved a letter that I wrote him in 1996 telling him why I loved him, which I found late last week. I read it at the memorial service as a tribute to what a wonderful person and parent he was.

I want to thank you for that advice, Abby, as reading that letter was the most difficult thing I have ever done. However, it was the best way possible to honor my father. -- JIM R., PLEASANT HILL, CALIF.

DEAR JIM: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the unexpected loss of your father. Thank you for writing to reinforce for me and my readers the importance of saying what is in our hearts while the people we love are still around and able to understand what we are saying. Carpe diem!

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I spent a long weekend at a hotel with a number of other friends and acquaintances. I found out later that he had allowed one of his male friends to use our room for a tryst with someone else's wife.

Should I continue to trust a man who would aid and abet another couple in committing adultery? -- WONDERING IN MOBILE, ALA.

DEAR WONDERING: Wonder no more. A husband who would turn his hotel room over to another man so that man could engage in illicit sex would have no hesitation about asking for the favor to be returned.

(P.S. I hope they were considerate enough to have had the sheets and linens changed afterward.)

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 14-year-old girl who often hears negative comments directed at teenagers as a whole. The other day I was sitting in a bookstore, quietly reading, when an employee commented to a customer that "some teenagers were just in here -- that's probably why the display is a mess!"

I have heard other strangers make remarks about teens being lazy, slovenly, apathetic and rude. If these comments were directed at specific ethnic or religious groups, they would be regarded as discrimination, so I want to know if my saying something to these people would be appropriate -- and also why ageism, clearly a hurtful form of stereotyping, is acceptable when it's directed at young people.

I am tired of being followed by store owners and watching other passengers on the bus grab their belongings and scoot away when I come near them. What should I do? - - SICK OF AGEISM IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR SICK OF AGEISM: Although times change, human nature does not. While I agree that many upstanding teens get a bad rap, it might interest you to see this 5th century B.C. quotation attributed to Socrates: "Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders, and love chatter in places of exercise. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble food and tyrannize their teachers."

In your case, I don't think scolding or lecturing the offenders would be helpful. Any intelligent person knows that the vast majority of teens today are honest, hardworking, law-abiding and upstanding.

Therefore, if you are being followed around by store owners, and bus passengers grab their belongings and scoot away when they see you, it's time to take a critical look at how you present yourself. Is there something about your appearance that could be considered weird or threatening? If the answer is "maybe," then it's time for a makeover.

DEAR ABBY: I was married last weekend in a small family setting. It is the second marriage for both my husband and me. My father left right after the ceremony, took Mom with him, and missed our wedding reception in order to watch a college football game. He had never met my in-laws before.

I am furious and embarrassed, and I'm not sure how to get over the hurt of knowing a game he could have taped on his VCR was more important than being with me at such an important event. Can you give me any advice? -- WOUNDED BRIDE IN NEBRASKA

DEAR WOUNDED BRIDE: Your father either dropped the ball, or he was sending a message to you and your new in-laws. Perhaps he is still upset over the failure of your first marriage. Or, he may not like your new husband. But the way he chose to show it was cruel and insensitive, and has probably created a rift where he had an opportunity to build a bridge. Sad for you, but sadder for Dad.

Try to forgive him, concentrate on building a successful marriage, and do not look to your parents for approval -- because if you do, you will only leave yourself open to more disappointment.

DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, a close friend passed away at the young age of 29. Every year, on or close to the anniversary of his death, I send his family a card to let them know that I am thinking of them and have not forgotten.

I am now wondering if I should continue to send cards or if it is time to stop. I don't want them to feel as though nobody remembers. Do I just stop sending the card? -- REMEMBERING A FRIEND IN OHIO

DEAR REMEMBERING: You did not mention whether your cards have been acknowledged by the family. If they have been, then continue to send them. However, if they have not been acknowledged, it is time to stop.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)