DEAR ABBY: I was married recently, but I am extremely embarrassed about the wedding. My husband and I are recently out of college and have no money. The wedding was done on a shoestring, and it looked it. It was certainly not the fantasy I had envisioned.

We are now trying to buy a house and, coincidentally, using the same mortgage company my parents have used for years. During a chat with our loan officer, she let it slip that "the wedding must have been gorgeous" because my parents took out a huge loan to pay for it. Well, they didn't pay for anything but the food. It was barbecue and not expensive.

I am very hurt that my parents used me as an excuse to get a large loan and didn't even offer to help. I never expected anything from them. I worked my way through college. Now that I'm aware of their lie, I want to talk to them about it. Should I? -- UPSET IN IDAHO

DEAR UPSET: The loan officer was wrong to have revealed confidential information. However, rather than being hurt by the news, perhaps you should be concerned. It's possible your parents took out the loan to help with the wedding but needed the money for some emergency. By all means discuss it with them, but don't do it with a chip on your shoulder.

DEAR ABBY: I am 23 years old and in the Navy. I am in the medical field, and the chances of my going to Iraq are very high. Lately, all I can think about is when I die what song I want my parents to play at my funeral. I have the song already picked out. My problem is, how do I bring this up to my parents without freaking them out? -- CONFUSED CORPSMAN IN ILLINOIS

DEAR CONFUSED: Write your parents a letter "to be opened in the event of my death." In that letter, outline whatever wishes you have regarding your funeral -- should you need one –- and the disposition of your property. (I am surprised that the subject of a last will has not been raised already by the command of your unit.)

It is not necessary to discuss this with your parents right now. Hold a good thought and keep in mind that most members of the military come back alive after their tours of duty. Leave the letter with your attorney or your parents -– or a trusted friend, to be delivered if you do not return.

P.S. Please do not think negatively. It will only distract you. Your safe return is in the prayers of many people today and every day.

DEAR READERS: Today marks the birthday of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., a martyr of the civil rights movement, who was shot to death at the age of 39 in 1968.

Dr. King rose to prominence because of his eloquence in pleading for social justice and his persistence in the face of violent opposition. In 1964, he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. His words of wisdom ring as true today as when they were spoken during his acceptance speech:

"Nonviolence," he said, "is the answer to the crucial political and moral questions of our time: the need for man to overcome oppression and violence without resorting to oppression and violence.

"Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love."

God bless America. May we as Americans learn from Dr. King's example.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: "Jake" and I have been together for five years. He finally proposed last summer. Well, I made a mistake and complained about the ring he'd bought. He took it back, but still agreed to marry me -- without the ring.

I have apologized to Jake every day since for what I said, but we are now split up. (We still talk and see each other once or twice a week.)

Abby, Jake refuses to forgive me and make up. I spend all my time alone while he goes hunting with his friends or out drinking with them. I'm tired of not being forgiven. I know what I did was wrong. How long can you say, "I'm sorry"? -- BROKENHEARTED IN ALABAMA

DEAR BROKENHEARTED: If you have apologized every day since last summer and it has fallen on deaf ears, you can apologize until the cows come home and it will get you nowhere. Please step back and take another look at this situation.

Most men take their fiancees with them when they purchase an engagement ring, so she can select something she likes. You were tactless to complain about the ring he bought, but it wasn't a cardinal sin.

Recognize that Jake is enjoying punishing you -- and the hunting and drinking with his friends would have happened after your marriage regardless. Jake has done you an enormous favor by showing you how self-centered and unforgiving he is. Please be smart, realize that you have dodged a bullet, stop apologizing and run for the hills.

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Darla," and I have been married for 10 years. We have three children. I have always worked hard to provide for my family.

Darla is very concerned with material things and likes to "keep up with the Joneses." I work two jobs to maintain this lifestyle, sometimes literally from sunup to sundown. Lately, I feel burned out.

Darla promises she will get a job, but in the 10 years we've been married she has had one job. It lasted three months. Each time she's supposed to find a job she develops some mysterious illness -- one that no doctor can cure or identify, but that stops bothering her as soon as her job search is forgotten.

I am becoming increasingly resentful toward her for making empty promises as well as making up illnesses. It is beginning to spill over into my work environment, and it is also keeping me from growing spiritually. What should I do? -- FRUSTRATED IN PHILLY

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Recognize that your wife does not regard your marriage as an equal partnership. In her view, your role is to support her in the manner to which she aspires regardless of its effect on you. Her role is to enjoy it.

My advice is to offer her the option of marriage counseling, and if that doesn't work, consult a lawyer. It may be expensive, but at least you won't be responsible for her debts. And it could add years to your life.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Sy," snores so loud it keeps me from sleeping -- and no, it's not sleep apnea. Sy has said many times that he wouldn't stay in a marriage if the wife slept in another room, like some of his friends' wives do, so that's out of the question.

I love Sy dearly in the daytime. At night I want a divorce. Last night I was asleep (finally) and had a nightmare that a growling animal was stalking me. I awoke to the sound, and it was coming from him. In the past, I have told Sy he snores, but he denies it. Help! -- TERESA IN DAYTONA, FLA.

DEAR TERESA: You have my sympathy. Before another night goes by, tape-record him. It may not solve the problem, but it will eliminate his denial. This should be discussed with his doctor -- even if it's not apnea -- because it might be treatable. Please don't wait.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have read your column for years; now it's my turn with a question. Two years ago, some friends of mine saw I was in a real bind, caught in a vicious circle I couldn't get out of on my own. They invited me to move into their spare room until I could meet some goals and was able to move on. I decided to accept their offer.

The time I have spent with them has literally changed my life. I have grown tremendously in the last year and a half -- emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I have even improved physically. From day one, they made me a member of their family, and I have come to love them as such. They have been my supporters, my advisers, my friends, and I count myself lucky to have been part of their household.

Now that I have met most of my goals, I am getting ready to move out, and I am not sure how to repay them. They have literally set my life in a new direction. Any successes I have from this point on will be success that they have had a hand in.

How do I thank this couple and their family for all they have done for me in the last 18 months? -- GRATEFUL WOMAN IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR GRATEFUL: I doubt that anything you could buy for these angels on Earth would mean as much to them as a handwritten letter from you expressing the feelings you have confided to me. I am sure it would be something they would treasure for the rest of their lives.

Of course, it goes without saying that being able to move out and live a full, successful and happy life will also show them that their efforts were not wasted. I cannot imagine a better tribute to their generosity.

DEAR ABBY: About a year ago, my brother, "Ronny," stopped speaking to our parents. He said they did something "unforgivable" to him during his childhood. I know Ronny wasn't neglected or physically or sexually abused. From what my parents have told me about e-mails they have received from him, he is angry about basic mistakes parents make.

Recently he mentioned that he just wants them to "respect" him. I have seen Ronny become overly sensitive about any sort of teasing that comes his way, and I guess that he's referring to this. I have asked him not to tell me his reason, for fear of being too angry about why he made this decision. This mess has caused a lot of tension in our whole family.

My brother is coming to visit me and my family in a few weeks, but won't be visiting our parents. How do I handle their questions and probing about his visit, and what do I say when they get angry about his not visiting them? -- RONNY'S SISTER IN IOWA

DEAR SISTER: I think you should ask your brother about his reasons and withhold judgment. I'm glad that he wasn't beaten or sexually abused as a child. However, someone should have told your parents that "teasing" can be like acid, eating away at a person's self-worth.

While it may seem to you that Ronny is overly sensitive, I find it interesting that you didn't mention what he was teased about that was so hurtful he's avoiding "the folks." Was the teasing two-way, or was it aimed only in one direction? And was it persistent?

Do not allow your parents to put you in the middle. This isn't your squabble; you have nothing to do with it. When they ask how the visit went, tell them it was "nice" -- if it was. Do not go into chapter and verse. And if they become angry that Ronny did not visit them, face it -- the problem is theirs, and it's up to them to resolve it, not you.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)