DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Vince in Vallejo" (Jan. 3), the construction worker who is suddenly afraid of heights, reminded me of a similar experience I had at about his age. I, too, suddenly found myself afraid of things that had never bothered me before. I was nervous if my husband drove too fast. I became frightened of heights.

I think that, at a certain age, death suddenly becomes real, either because of the death of someone we know or just awareness of how time is passing. We are not immortal, and for a little while we become self-protective. It passed for me, and I'm sure it will for him, too. -- ALICE IN TROOPER, PA.

DEAR ALICE: You could be right. However, I advised Vince that he should consult his doctor to make sure his problem wasn't of a medical nature. Sometimes a stitch in time ...

DEAR ABBY: You were right on about "Vince" going to see his doctor about his fear of heights. It may not be a lack of courage on his part, but rather his inner ear.

I began having problems with heights several years ago and mentioned it to my doctor in passing. After he ran a few tests, it was discovered that I had inner-ear problems. The slight, subconsciously noticed balance problems I was having were translating into my fear of heights. When I got my balance back, the fear disappeared. -- SARA IN CHICAGO

DEAR ABBY: I was a daredevil in my youth, but it all changed when I became a parent. My fear of heights is also painful, embarrassing and pretty noticeable because I live in the mountains. I guess caring about someone more than myself made me realize how important my own mortality was. -- AFRAID TO LIVE ON THE EDGE IN COLORADO

DEAR ABBY: I am 52 and have been in the building trades all my life. I have been on my share of roofs and high places in my time. My body is also now telling me that it's no longer the place for me to be.

We don't have to show off for the younger dudes -- just share our knowledge with them. At this point in life, our knowledge is a lot more important than our sense of balance. "Vince in Vallejo" should stay on the ground and teach the next generation how to do it right. That's how I learned when I was young. -- "ZAC" OF ALL TRADES IN CINCINNATI

DEAR ABBY: My experience is similar to "Vince's," and I'm about his age. I believe that the loss of flexibility in my knees, which began with the onset of osteoarthritis, has made me less comfortable working at heights -- especially the slope of a roof. Your advice to him was right on. He should not be concerned about any loss of courage. -- BOB IN COOPERSBURG, PA.

DEAR ABBY: I was a construction worker as a young man; now I am a recreational therapist who works extensively with seniors. I have also been a martial artist most of my life and own a small chain of martial arts schools.

My training and personal experience show that as we age, the large nerves in our legs that give us information about our balance, timing and position become less effective. Much of my current teaching is to help seniors reduce their chances of falling.

You can help get the message out that as we age, our balance begins to go, but by building up our leg strength and being mindful of our stepping, we can ameliorate these effects of aging.

Muhammad Ali observed that "the legs go first." At 52, my own legs and balance are not what they once were, and neither are Vince's. No more jumping kicks for me, and Vince needs to stay off the walls. -- SILENT DRAGON IN CONNECTICUT

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Valentine's Day is nearly here, and it can be a sad day for people who are alone -- especially for widows and widowers living by themselves. This holiday can be more painful for them than birthdays, anniversaries and other holidays because they are constantly bombarded with images of love by retailers.

I would like to offer a suggestion that can turn an otherwise difficult day into a day for them to look forward to.

Last year, my fiance and I spent Valentine's Day with his widowed grandmother. Her husband has been gone 10 years, and she has not remarried. He was her soul mate, the center of her life. We wanted to do something to make it a day she could look forward to.

Abby, I cannot tell you how happy she was when we told her we would be spending the evening with her. She had the table set for dinner by noon that day. When we arrived, she was glowing. We stayed for hours and listened as she told stories about her life with her husband. We both learned so much that we didn't know about her life and family. We wouldn't trade that night for anything.

As a couple in love, we get to spend every day celebrating our love for each other. We don't need a day set aside to remind each other of that.

Valentine's Day is about love. It doesn't have to be romantic love. We have decided to spend every Valentine's Day from now on with her, so we can make it "her" special day.

Everyone knows someone who has lost the one that he or she loves. I see no reason not to take a little time to make this a special day for them. Such a small gift can make a world of difference. -- BETH IN BAKERSFIELD, CALIF.

DEAR BETH: Thank you for a beautiful letter. From reading it, I know you and your fiance have a wonderful future ahead of you.

You have made an important point. Regardless of the holiday hype, the most precious gift a person can give to another isn't one that's tangible. It's the gift of time.

Although Valentine's Day celebrates romantic love, we all know that there are many kinds of love. On Wednesday, I hope that none of my readers who are unattached will sit at home alone and brood. Reach out to other singles! Rent a stack of videos, pop some popcorn, sit back and enjoy each other's company. Or pick up the phone and call someone to say that he or she is in your thoughts. Everyone likes to be remembered.

For those lucky folks who "have everything," take a moment and thank the good Lord that you are so blessed. And while you're at it, offer up a prayer for the safety of the men and women who are serving our country in all four corners of the globe, as well as their families at home who are doing without them. I have found that doing so puts everything in perspective.

DEAR READERS: Here's your smile for the day. The children will love this!

Question: What is smarter than a talking parrot?

Answer: A spelling bee!

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 23. I was married at 19 and divorced at 22. I then jumped into a highly incompatible match that led me astray from home and family. I came to my senses and ran back home.

Since then, I have fended off requests for serious relationships and opted instead for "flings." I have, however, become attached to one "fling" in particular. He is 31 and lives close by. I have known him almost six months.

We have an "arrangement" -- we are "friends with benefits" only. However, I no longer want this. I want to take it to the next level. I have developed deeper feelings for him and have told him so.

He has not voiced the same sentiments. He said he was hurt in the past and doesn't want to be hurt again, so he doesn't get involved. He sends me mixed signals, and I am confused. He doesn't call for weeks, then calls several times a week "just to talk." When I leave him, sometimes he barely notices; other days he'll walk me to my car and send me off with a kiss. He sends cute e-mails and gives me trivial gifts.

I feel like a pseudo-girlfriend. I am there when he has time for a "girlfriend" type. I don't know where I stand with him. Should I wait it out or just let him go? He's a great person and an awesome man. I care for him on many levels. I want our relationship to progress, but I feel him holding back. What should I do? -- TIRED OF THE GAME IN ARIZONA

DEAR TIRED OF THE GAME: You are very young. With a failed marriage behind you, and a rebound relationship that didn't work out, it's time to slow down and realize that lasting relationships take time to build. Your problem is that you expect instant romance on your terms, and you have forgotten that you set the rules of this "game."

My advice is to stop asking for a commitment, and fill the time you're not with him with friends -- and other dates should you meet someone you "click" with. When he calls, don't always be instantly available. Show some independence. Some men find that trait very appealing -- particularly if they're relationship-phobic. After three or four more months, you can then have that chat with him about "where is this going?"

DEAR ABBY: I am a special education teacher who works with people who have mental retardation. Everywhere I go, I hear teenagers and young adults calling each other "retarded." This disturbs me greatly.

Abby, I want people to understand that the word "retarded" is very offensive when used in this context. Many people, young and old, live with mental retardation as a daily struggle. Using this term in a derogatory fashion is just as inappropriate as any racial slur.

Please let your readers know that using the word "retarded" lightly is not appreciated. -- IRRITATED IN MISSOURI

DEAR IRRITATED: I'm printing your letter because apparently a lot of people need to see it. Mental retardation is also no laughing matter to parents, siblings and other relatives of people who have it. To use the expression as a derogatory comment shows that the speaker is both ignorant and insensitive.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)