DEAR ABBY: My brother and I are one year apart and grew up practically as twins. We buried our mother and bought some land together. Then, in our late 20s, my brother met and married a woman. We still lived together, only with hostility and distance.

Five years have gone by, and we now live apart. However, the feelings of hurt still remain -- and in fact have intensified. Recently I wrote a letter to him expressing my anger about the past, and he cut me off permanently.

We both understand that we needed to separate and how unfortunate it was that it happened with a lot of anger and resentment. However, I am being married this summer and am unable to decide if I should invite him to the wedding. On the one hand, I don't want to create another wound, but on the other, it feels as if we have finally broken free, and it is time to move on and respect his wish to be rid of me.

I am actually relieved that the end has finally come. The truth is, I'm not even sure if I want him there. But the rest of our family probably will. What do you think? -- GERALD IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR GERALD: A wedding is the joining together of a couple who hope to spend the rest of their lives committed to each other. It is NOT a time for feuding brothers to attempt a reconciliation, which could be distracting for all concerned. If you plan to patch things up with your sibling, do it before the wedding or don't invite him.

DEAR ABBY: Is it appropriate for a couple living together -- "Carrie" is a widow and "Jake" is divorced -- to wear wedding bands on the ring fingers of their left hands? They say they are "married in their hearts" and cannot marry legally for financial reasons.

My husband and I feel that the wearing of wedding bands without following the rules of marriage (i.e., a ceremony conducted by a person licensed to marry and the receiving of a legal document) diminishes the sanctity and authenticity of our own wedding bands and those of all others who are legally married. -- JEAN IN LOS GATOS, CALIF.

DEAR JEAN: Couples who find themselves in the situation of the couple you have described sometimes discuss it with their clergyperson and exchange vows so they can be "married in the eyes of God." Because Carrie and Jake's marital situation bothers you so much, why don't you mention this to them?

After that, however, I would urge you to devote your attention to your own marriage, because how others choose to conduct their lives is no reflection on the sanctity and authenticity of your wedding bands -- and frankly, it's none of your business.

DEAR ABBY: My precious daddy died of cancer seven years ago. My problem is, Mother has never laid him to rest. She keeps his ashes in her dirty garage. She says it's because he wanted all three of us children to be together when his ashes were scattered -- but my brother lives 1,000 miles away and hasn't been able to get back home.

I have tried talking to Mom, reasoning with her, even suggesting she drive off one day and do it by herself if it would make her feel better. Still nothing! Isn't this disrespectful? Dad deserves better, but she refuses to let him go. -- STYMIED IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR STYMIED: Your mother's inability to let go of your father's ashes is not as unusual as you think. Consider this: Your father is in heaven. The ashes in the garage are but the remains of his discarded earthly shell. If enough time elapses, you can scatter your parents' ashes together.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My elderly mother-in-law, "Marsha," is in failing health. Lately she has been talking about how she "won't be here next year," implying that she thinks she will be dead. But there is one thing she refuses to do. Marsha will not have a will made up or sign an advanced directive! She thinks that if she does, it will be signing her own death warrant.

Marsha is facing major surgery in the spring. She owns her own house, and she has many medical bills and debts. She has said that after she's gone, it will be "up to other people" to "handle those things." Her children cannot be trusted to agree on wise decisions about her estate, and I have seen other such unplanned estates eaten up by court-appointed administrators who take more than a year to settle matters.

Because we often discuss your newspaper column, I am hoping you might convince my mother-in-law that wills are not only good planning, but will ensure the legacy for her grandchildren that she talks about, but currently cannot guarantee. -- DUTIFUL DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

DEAR DUTIFUL D.I.L.: I'm sad to say that many people feel as your mother-in-law does -- and when they go, they leave turmoil in their wake. No one likes to face his or her own mortality, and yet the reality is that we're all gonna go sometime. (May Marsha live to 110!)

If she maintains her current stance, she risks leaving a legacy of dissension among her children -- and there's no guarantee that her grandchildren will see a penny from her estate.

It is very important that Marsha discuss this subject with her lawyer or CPA, who can explain to her what the laws are in the state where she resides and convince her of the wisdom of preplanning for the inevitable. It's not signing a death warrant, but rather a guarantee that what she has worked so hard to accrue in her lifetime will go where she wants it to.

DEAR ABBY: I have been having an argument with myself for some time now. My problem is, I'm not sure if it's appropriate to stop calling my aunts and uncles by their titles and switch to just calling them by their names. I am 23.

Can you tell me what, if any, is an appropriate age to begin using aunts' and uncles' names rather than their titles? -- UNSURE IN TEXAS

DEAR UNSURE: Calling someone "aunt" or "uncle" has nothing to do with age. In addition to a family title, it can also be regarded as a sign of affection or respect.

Before you stop using it, ask the person what he or she would prefer to be called. That way you won't cause any misunderstandings or hard feelings.

DEAR ABBY: My son has a serious girlfriend I'll call "Danielle." They are 24, and it looks like they might get married. We have the reverse of the typical mother-in-law/daughter-in-law problem. I am very easygoing and don't interfere or criticize. Danielle, on the other hand, has strong opinions and voices them loudly. There is no discussion. Danielle is always right.

My husband and I are going through a rough time financially, and Danielle suggested that we come and live with them. She said I could cook and clean, and my husband could do the repairs around the house. I was shocked and hurt. I would never have said that to my mother-in-law.

I know it's important to stay on good terms, but it is becoming increasingly difficult. Any suggestions? -- NETTIE IN NEBRASKA

DEAR NETTIE: Just this. Only as a last resort should you and your husband live with your son and his tactless girlfriend. If you do, it appears you will be treated as domestic help, and frankly, you deserve better.

TO MY ASIAN READERS: A happy, healthy and prosperous New Year to you all. This is the Year of the Pig, and as you probably already know, pigs are affectionate, intelligent and have a voracious appetite -- for life.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My brother has 15 children by eight mothers. Five are with his wife, from whom he has been separated for 16 years. My sister-in-law becomes very upset when my brother shows favoritism toward children he has outside his marriage. Until recently, she tolerated this. However, now she says she hates him more today than ever -- even though they are not together.

I feel their marriage is long over, and she should not focus on what he is doing nor should she allow herself to become emotionally distraught over his behavior. It just doesn't seem to be sinking in, and I need some advice about how I can tell her to move on with her life without sounding like a broken record. So many children out there in this world are in the same boat because of their fathers' irresponsible behavior. -- BRAVEHEART IN SYRACUSE, N.Y.

DEAR BRAVEHEART: Your sister-in-law may have clung to her marriage because her religion frowns upon divorce, or she may still be hoping that your brother will grow up, wise up and come back to her. You can reason with her until you are blue in the face, but until she is ready to accept reality, nothing will change.

I don't know who is supporting all those children financially or emotionally, but there ought to be a law against the kind of irresponsibility your brother has exhibited.

DEAR ABBY: I recently grew close to a member of the same social organization that I belong to. We have much in common. She is someone I can open up to and share my real feelings with. I can't do that with anyone else.

Here's the twist: She's 15 and I'm 22. I never thought I could fall for someone that young, but she is different. She is so much more mature than anyone I know at that age. We have talked about our feelings and realize that they are mutual.

I know the law frowns upon this, and I would never go against the law. The legal age in this state is 16. I know we will still be close by then. Would it be wrong to try for more of a relationship when she turns 16? -- GOT IT BAD IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR GOT IT BAD: That depends upon what you mean by "more of a relationship." While the young lady may be mature for her age, she does not have the life experience of someone your age. Intellectually she may be mature, but she may still be 15 years old emotionally.

Although the legal age in Connecticut may be 16, if I were you, I'd discuss this situation with the girl's parents before trying for "more." She's their daughter, and you will need their approval in order to date her.

DEAR ABBY: A co-worker recently lost her father. An envelope was passed around asking for donations to purchase flowers for her. She anticipated our gift of flowers and requested the money instead, so she was given the cash.

No sooner was the envelope in her purse than she immediately passed around a pre-typed note thanking us for the "heavenly bouquet." Am I wrong to have formed the opinion that she took advantage of our generosity, especially because it's common knowledge that she has a big gambling problem? -- ASKANCE IN GEORGIA

DEAR ASKANCE: Please do not be so quick to judge your co-worker. The money may have been put toward covering the expense of her father's funeral. However, if you are correct, the poor woman has enough problems to deal with. Please cut her some slack and let it go.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)