DEAR ABBY: My husband recently began carrying on his phone conversations on "speaker mode" when he got his new cell phone. As a result, I end up hearing most of his conversations in our small house or while we're driving in the car.

Often, while he's talking to his mother, I have overheard her tell him to keep several things she has said to him secret from me. She has no reason to do this, as most of the things she asks him to hide from me are inconsequential and have nothing to do with me. Occasionally, she even confesses to him that she went ahead and did something I specifically asked her not to do -- especially in matters concerning our children.

This situation has left me feeling angry and hurt, especially since my husband feels that his mother is doing nothing wrong by asking her son to keep secrets from his spouse. While my husband made vows to me, I can't help but feel as if he thinks it's the other way around. I feel like my mother-in-law's behavior, and my husband condoning it, has put a strain on my marriage. Am I wrong to feel this way? -- ANONY-MRS. IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ANONY-MRS.: Because your husband is carrying on his conversations with his mother over a speaker phone, it should be obvious that he is not trying to hide anything from you. Your mother-in-law is playing a childish game with her son, who should have put an end to it many years ago by simply saying, "Mother, I don't keep secrets from my wife."

However, if you are wise, you'll choose your battles carefully. As things stand, you are fully aware of what your mother-in-law is up to. And if I were you, I'd keep it that way.

DEAR ABBY: Our 17-year-old twin son and daughter met with military recruiters who came to their school and made the military sound exciting and glamorous. They are now saying that after they graduate next year, they want to join the military instead of going to college. They have even put up military posters in their rooms that they received from the recruiters.

My husband and I are horrified. We cannot stand the thought of them going off to war, and do not believe that war is the answer to the world's problems. It will be a year, and hopefully the novelty of the idea will wear off by then. However, I don't want to take a chance. How can I counter the idea? -- CLEVELAND MOM

DEAR CLEVELAND MOM: Before your children commit themselves to the idea that the military is all foreign travel, shiny medals and glory, they should see firsthand that there is a more serious side. Contact your nearest veterans hospital and inquire about you and your children paying some visits and volunteering to help wounded vets. It may be a sobering experience, but it should open their eyes in no time flat.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an administrative assistant and often take calls for my boss. He usually asks me to tell the caller he is not in the office or to send them to his voice mail.

I'm a terrible liar and not very good at making up excuses for him. I usually stammer or stutter when I'm lying. What can I tell these people and still stay true to myself? -- S-S-S-STUCK IN GARLAND, TEXAS

DEAR S-S-S-STUCK: It isn't necessary to lie to the caller your boss wishes to avoid. Simply say: "Mr. Crockett is not available at this time. If you'd like to leave a message, I'll connect you to his voice mail so nothing gets lost in translation." That way you are not lying; you are facilitating the caller.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: How do I politely tell my mother-in-law to stop doing my laundry? It all started when I was on bed rest due to my pregnancy. I didn't mind her doing an occasional load to help us out. But now she does it anytime she's over to watch the kids.

I'm very picky about how I do my laundry, and this is the main reason I don't want her doing it. Also, I'd prefer she spend time playing with the kids than with the laundry! She also puts things away in the wrong places. She does it with my dishes, too. Once I told her not to worry about my laundry because I wasn't done sorting it. She took it upon herself to do it anyway.

She's very strong-willed. My husband and I have had problems with her not respecting our parenting, too. She often takes things the wrong way. What's the best way for us to tell her that her help is not needed? -- DIRTY FAMILY LAUNDRY

DEAR DIRTY FAMILY LAUNDRY: Short of locking your laundry hamper to dissuade your mother-in-law, you should make out a list of tasks you WOULD like her to perform when she comes over. If you take the time to show her how you would like them done, it could be a positive, beneficial family time for all of you and prevent misunderstandings.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I disagree on discipline when other children come over to play with our 4-year-old daughter. I believe we have the right to tell them "no" in our own house, and she says we should wait and tell the parents.

A recent example: A friend came over and got bored playing with our daughter, so he went to her room and dumped all of her toys on the floor. Still bored, he went to the living room and proceeded to dump a 300-piece container of Legos all over the floor. I told him he should not do that and should pick up the pieces and then take them out one at a time. My wife was horrified at MY behavior! What do you think about this? -- PUZZLED IN SAN PABLO, CALIF.

DEAR PUZZLED: I think you showed great restraint in how you handled the boy. I'm not sure I would have had your patience. As to who should have been spoken to about the child's behavior -- the boy or his mother -- both of them should have been told that in your house, children are expected to act responsibly. Period.

P.S. So who picked up the Legos?

DEAR ABBY: My best friend and I are having a big mutual birthday party April 1. It's going to be a big bash with lots of people, lots of drinking and, of course, the possibility that others may bring drugs.

We plan on inviting all our friends. However, we have a few friends who no longer live that kind of lifestyle.

Do we still invite our sober friends to this gathering? We love them and want them to be there because they're our friends, but we also don't want to lead them into temptation or dangle what they can't have in front of their faces. What do you think? -- FRIEND IN NEED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FRIEND IN NEED: By all means invite your abstinent friends. They have made their choice to forgo the "higher spirits," so to include them will not seduce them from their sobriety. If you are going to exclude prospective guests, make it those you think will bring illegal drugs to your party -- or you could wind up "entertaining" more guests than you're planning for. Like the police.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Late last summer, we invited another couple -- good friends -- over for an informal dinner. When they walked in, they handed me a basket of fresh-picked vegetables from their garden.

Abby, I had a complete meal prepared. I love fresh vegetables and don't mind adding them to a meal. However, because the dinner was already on the table, I had to put everything on hold and find a way to keep everything warm while I prepared what they had brought.

I take pride in preparing a good meal and worried that it might not taste the same after having sat for 15 or 20 minutes. I feel they should have let me know in advance so I could have had water boiling when they arrived.

At the time, my husband told me not to say anything because it's the thought that counts, but it's still bothering me. How do you think I should handle this in the future? That wasn't the first time they have come to dinner with a "surprise" contribution, and it won't be the last. -- READY TO SERVE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR READY TO SERVE: Just because someone brings a gift of food or wine when he or she comes to dinner, the host is under no obligation to serve it. What you should have done was put their veggies in the fridge to enjoy at another meal and not stressed yourself out.

DEAR ABBY: I know my question may not seem earth-shaking in comparison with many of the questions that appear in your column. However, my best friend and I were wondering if you could settle an argument. Should a short person wear ankle-length skirts? -- FIVE-FOOT-TWO IN ILLINOIS

DEAR FIVE-FOOT-TWO: According to fashion designer Bradley Bayou, author of the new book "The Science of Sexy: Dress to Fit Your Unique Figure With the Style System that Works for Every Shape and Size" (Gotham Books), "Wearing an ankle-length skirt would work for you -- as long as your outfit is monochromatic. In other words, do not cut your body in half by wearing a top that's a different color than the skirt."

I'm sure that anyone who watches QVC has seen or heard about the talented Mr. Bayou. He has dressed (and undressed!) such Hollywood celebs as Halle Barry, Salma Hayek, Beyonce, Queen Latifah, and all the "Desperate Housewives."

Imagine being lucky enough to have someone like Bradley Bayou standing next to you in a clothing store dressing room, sharing his secrets for dressing to look your very best. Well, open his book, and you'll get a taste of the star treatment.

DEAR ABBY: We have two beautiful little boys. The older boy is 3, the younger one an infant. People always comment on how much they look alike -- as if they could be twins three years apart.

The problem is, my husband and I (close family, too) do not think they look anything alike, so we don't know how to respond. If we disagree, people go so far as to argue with us. But to agree seems silly when they really do not look alike. What is the polite way to disagree without an argument? -- PROUD MOTHER OF TWO DIFFERENT BOYS

DEAR PROUD MOTHER: Say something noncommittal -- such as, "Yes, there is a strong family resemblance." (But only if they look like they could be related.) To disagree, regardless of how politely you do it, will only generate more conversation on a subject you would prefer to avoid.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)