DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Crystal" for about a year. For the last seven months we shared a house together. We live in a very small town, and to make extra money as well as have something to occupy her time, Crystal started her own business. It has not been going well, and to top it off, I was laid off from my job.

Crystal decided to return to the city where she was living before I met her and take up her old job. She finally admitted to me, days after I proposed marriage, that she is a paid escort.

To me it is morally wrong, but she sees nothing wrong with it. I agreed to let her do it -- with limitations -- meaning nothing illegal or sexual. But I still have a problem with her going out with strange men for money. I also don't like the thought of her sharing her company this way.

Crystal insists that she's doing nothing wrong and now she is upset with me for having a problem with it. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do? I am teetering on the edge of telling her goodbye. -- TEETERING IN MONTANA

DEAR TEETERING: Please "teeter" no more, because I am giving you the little push you need to straighten out your thinking. Your feelings are your feelings, and you are entitled to them. Most men when confronted with this question would feel just the way you do. So face the fact that you and Crystal have very different values, and let her go.

DEAR ABBY: I have two stepchildren whom I love dearly. The older one, "Dawn," went through a difficult divorce and got bad credit because of it. Dawn is a single mother and has no major credit cards she could use in case of emergency, so I put her on one of mine that I don't use. I told her to use it as she saw fit, so she would have something to fall back on should something happen. It had a limit of $1,000.

In the year and a half that Dawn has had the card, the limit has gone to $1,800. However, she has missed some payments, and several over-the-limit fees have been assessed. The last time, I confronted her about the situation and she blew up at me and said that I had told her to use the card "as she saw fit."

Abby, I don't have the heart to remind Dawn that she's damaging MY credit with her poor payment history. (I can ill afford to assume the payments.) I have been denied credit because of this and have lost points off my credit score. I feel I am being punished for trying to be nice. I also hesitate bringing it up because I love my granddaughter to death, and I'm afraid Dawn won't bring her around if I mention something. What should I do? -- NERVOUS AND ANGRY

DEAR NERVOUS AND ANGRY: You were extremely kind to have given your stepdaughter your credit card as a safety net in case of an emergency. However, your mistake was in telling her it could be used "as she saw fit" without giving her realistic guidelines, because it seems she "saw fit" to use the card irresponsibly.

Please do not allow this mess to continue out of fear that your grandchild will be used as leverage. You have already been damaged enough, and this will continue as long as you continue to allow it. It is imperative that, for your own financial health -- not to mention your peace of mind -- that you cancel the card immediately. Sadly, if your stepdaughter does not make good on the balance, you are going to have to, and that's reality.

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DEAR ABBY: "Frustrated in Philly" (Jan. 14) wrote that he is burnt out from working two jobs because his wife, "Darla," is preoccupied with material things and "likes to keep up with the Joneses." He said they've been married 10 years and have three kids, and although she promises to get a job and help with the bills, it never happens.

Your advice to "Frustrated" should have included, "Sell some of your toys, quit one of your jobs, and spend more time at home with the family before you have a heart attack! Do not kill yourself to please a taker." -- JOHN C., SAGINAW, MICH.

DEAR JOHN C.: I told "Frustrated in Philly" that in his wife's view, his role is to support her in the manner to which she aspires, regardless of its effect on him -- and that he should offer her the option of marriage counseling or consult a lawyer. However, not all of my readers viewed the situation in the same light that you and I did. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm sad that you thought the wife who kept developing "mysterious illnesses" and failing to find a job was totally selfish and perceived her husband's role as "to support her in the manner to which she aspires" while her own role was simply "to enjoy it." Speaking from experience, I think her problem may be fear.

After an eight-year career, I was a stay-at-home mom for nine years. By the time I thought about going back to the work force, my confidence had been nearly destroyed (because my husband was so controlling and hypercritical), and it made me afraid to try.

In spite of my husband's disapproval, I joined a direct sales company and struggled to succeed. Because of my low self-esteem, it was like trying to climb a mountain with a boulder on my shoulder. I am still with that company, but no longer with my (ex) husband, and I am finally very happy.

I'm afraid your answer to the husband will make him continue to be angry and confrontational. If only he'd stop trying to force her to get a job and talk to her about what's best for the whole family's future, there might be some hope. He could say: "Honey, we're on the same team. I'm afraid that working two jobs is ruining my health. If there's a reason why going back into the work force scares you, let's talk about it." -- JERSEY GIRL

DEAR ABBY: "Frustrated" should not have to work two jobs just to keep up with his wife's spending. Marriage counseling is a good start, but there may be something more serious going on. It seems to me like his wife's behavior could be a sign of severe depression or bipolar disorder. It's worth checking out. -- HOLLY IN COLORADO

DEAR ABBY: I would remind "Frustrated" that raising three children under the age of 10 is a full-time job, even if it doesn't pay financially. Also, would a woman who has not worked outside the home in at least 10 years be able to get a job that pays enough to offset the cost of child care now that Mom's not home?

"Frustrated" needs to sit down with his wife, decide on mutual financial goals, and develop a budget. If sticking to a budget is impossible for her, then maybe he needs to take control of the finances, cut up the credit cards, and put his wife on an allowance to cover household expenses. Finances are one of the most common reasons for marital strife. I hope that couple can reach a compromise. -- JENNIFER IN FLORIDA

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DEAR ABBY: I am a single woman in my early 30s who has never been married. I recently fell in love with a wonderful man with whom I spend a great deal of time. He is unaware of the intensity of my feelings, and I'm afraid of telling him out of fear of rejection.

There are a couple of additional concerns: He is 15 years my senior and a medical doctor. I am a social worker in a lower socio-economic class. In addition, we are of different religions, but we have similar spiritual beliefs and values. He is also my co-worker.

I am very interested in pursuing a deeper relationship with this man, but would like to hear your advice first. Thank you for your thoughts on this. -- LONGING FOR MORE IN CHICAGO

DEAR LONGING: Although it is possible that the doctor is also attracted to you, the fact that you are co-workers makes the situation possibly problematic. Because you spend "a great deal of time" together, I assume that you discuss subjects beyond those that are work-related. One way to proceed might be to mention that you "happen" to have a couple of tickets to a play or other event he might be interested in -- and would he like to accompany you. If the answer is yes, you're off to a good start.

DEAR ABBY: As the "Baby Boom" generation is now growing older, when will food product manufacturers wise up to the fact that printing cooking instructions on their products is no longer acceptable?

I pass on buying many items in the supermarket for this reason. Perhaps with your influence these people will begin to understand that they're losing money from older people simply because we can't make out a half-cup from a third of a cup in such tiny print. There are also young people with visual impairments, too. Thank you! -- REVEREND JOE IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR REVEREND JOE: Much as one might pray for it, I'm doubtful that the food manufacturers are going to alter their labels for the visually challenged. However, because reading package directions -- and I presume labels -- has become a problem for you, I recommend you carry reading glasses and/or a strong magnifying glass with you when you do your marketing. That should solve the problem.

DEAR ABBY: The recent letter and follow-up in your column regarding "Vince," who is becoming afraid of heights now that he's older, prompts my own. You counseled him to see his doctor.

I have a similar situation. I am in my 40s. When I was younger, I was never afraid of anything -- no known phobias. However, as I have gotten older, I have developed claustrophobia! I have refused to go into MRIs -- even "open" ones. I panicked several times feeling trapped in my own car. Now I'm afraid to fly -- not because I'm afraid of flying, but because once I'm airborne, I start panicking about being closed in.

I think our minds rewire themselves as we get older. What do you think? -- JUANITA IN SPRING, TEXAS

DEAR JUANITA: With every activity you refrain from enjoying, you isolate yourself further. Therefore, I am giving you the same advice I gave to "Vince in Vallejo." Please discuss this problem with your doctor. There is help for people with phobias, and yours are multiplying.

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