DEAR ABBY: I recently ended a nine-month relationship with a 40-year-old man I'll call Shallow Hal. I was head over heels in love with him. We had a lot in common and our personalities were compatible, but there was one major problem. Hal loved everything about me, but his love for me was contingent upon my losing weight.

Hal told me that when I lost weight, he would treat me better, let me meet his family and introduce me to his friends. Until I did, he denied me all those things, including hugs and kisses. For nine months Hal strung me along, and I believed that losing weight would change everything and we would end up together, happily ever after.

I am currently working on my master's in counseling psychology, and I should have known better. Clearly, Hal did not accept me for who I was, and I should have ended the relationship long ago because he was not into me. Some days he didn't know if he ever wanted to get married and have kids; other days he did. He was definitely unstable.

Why did I put up with this when I was the one who did all the driving to his house and all the courting? And how do I keep all this from replaying in my mind? I hear his weight comments over and over, and it's self-destructive, but I can't seem to let it go. Why do so many women like me waste so much time on men who simply don't care? The worst part is, I still love him. Please advise me. -- HEARTBROKEN IN WEST CHESTER, PA.

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: What you have described sounds more like obsession than love. You, like many other women, could not resist the challenge of "winning" a man who was unwinnable. By remaining one step out of reach, he stays in control. The woman gives and gives and gives, hoping that by giving just a little bit more she can "make" the man love her. It's a mating dance that doesn't end until the woman either wises up or collapses from emotional fatigue.

A way to erase those old tapes from your mind would be to consciously remind yourself why the comments were made. If that doesn't do the trick, then talk to a therapist. What you think of yourself is far more important than what Shallow Hal thought of you.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 52-year-old woman, my sister is 54 and our mom is 79. Last summer, when we were all together, we decided to bring in an expert to discuss the antiques we had acquired from family members over the years.

Although it was interesting to hear the monetary values placed on the 40-or-so pieces, the most valuable part of the experience was the ability to discuss and learn about the pieces together. Mom became a beacon of recall when information from our expert triggered her memories, and the experience was priceless. The only regret we had was that we didn't do it sooner, while my Aunt Wilma (Mom's older sister by 15 years) was still living, because we all agreed she would have been able to add to our laughter, our knowledge about the antiques and, consequently, our family history.

Abby, I know you have said this before in your column, but please remind your readers again that they should take time NOW and do things with loved ones while they are still living, rather than regretting not doing it after they are gone. It really was fun. We have talked about that day ever since. -- DR. MARCIA K., MARINA, CALIF.

DEAR DR. MARCIA: You have written an important letter. The greatest gift people can give each other is the gift of their time, their affection and their interest. No tangible item compares to the gift of love.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing this in the hope that you may be able to help me. My husband of 20 years, "Rocky," has moved out of our home and into the apartment of his first love from 25 years ago. Because of some research I did on the Internet, as well as some conversations I had with a doctor, I think it's possible that he is going through a mid-life crisis.

Rocky is 43. I don't like the life he led all those years ago, and I'm afraid he is headed back in the same direction. He has changed, but she has not.

Rocky refuses to talk to me and hasn't spoken to the kids since he left. He says he is scared of what they will say to him and of how they must feel toward him. I am so hurt. I love my husband so much and miss him with all my heart. Do men who go through changes like this usually return to the families they left behind? Please help me. -- ROCKY'S WIFE IN MARYLAND

DEAR WIFE: Some straying husbands recognize that they have made a mistake, return to their families and make their marriages work. Others do not. Only time will tell into which category your husband will fall.

In the meantime, do nothing rash. Wait him out. Have the kids write to their father once a week, telling him how much they love him, miss him and need him. You should do the same, and enlist the help of your in-laws to see that the messages get through. While you're at it, assure him that you're willing to work on whatever issues drove a wedge between you in the first place.

I can't guarantee that this kind of campaign will work, but it's certainly worth a try. And in order to retain your sanity, stay active, in close touch with friends and family, and cultivate support systems of your own. And please know that I'm rooting for you.

DEAR ABBY: One of my girlfriends, "Dana," broke up with her boyfriend, "Gil," last summer. Prior to the breakup, Dana had obtained the password for his computer log-in to help him fix a computer problem. After the split, she tried Gil's computer password on his e-mail and gained access to his e-mail account. Dana has been reading his e-mail for six months.

When they split, he requested that there be no contact of any kind. Should I contact Gil and tell him what has been going on? And is this stalking? -- ANONYMOUS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Yes, it could be considered a form of stalking, because Dana appears to be obsessed with who her former boyfriend is seeing and what he's doing. You would be going Gil a favor to tell him to change his password. Wouldn't you want to know? I would!

DEAR ABBY: I have lived for years without an answering machine. It was my choice. Many people have complained to me about it over the years, but I feel that between my phone, my cell phone, my husband's cell phone and his business line, we are quite reachable -- and what's the big deal, anyway? I'm home almost all the time and frequently scroll through my caller ID.

Is it a breach of "good manners" not to have an answering machine, as many people have suggested? -- JULIE IN COLORADO

DEAR JULIE: No rule of etiquette "demands" that you have an answering machine or be available to people 24/7. Everyone deserves private time. Perhaps the complainers are upset because you are not calling them back as quickly as they would like. But that's their problem, so don't make it yours.

TO MY CHRISTIAN READERS: Happy Easter, one and all!

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a middle-aged woman, currently married to a wonderful man I'll call Ron. I was married once before to a man I'll call Hank, with whom I had two daughters. When my daughters were little, I grew restless and had several affairs. I fell in love with one of the men -- Ron.

When Hank discovered my infidelity, he committed suicide. About a year and a half later, Ron and I married.

My eldest daughter is now 15, and she has asked me the reason for her father's suicide. I want my daughter and I to have an honest relationship. Should I tell her? -- UNFAITHFUL IN MICHIGAN

DEAR UNFAITHFUL: People in their right minds do not kill themselves because a spouse is unfaithful. Apparently your former husband had other issues, including depression. I recommend that you tell your daughter that her father committed suicide because he battled depression and lost. From my perspective, it's the truth.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old woman who still lives at home with my mother. Daddy died when I was 13. She and I have been extremely close ever since. We have had our disagreements with each other, but all in all, I've been there for her. She has done so much over the years for me.

However, because I am now an adult, I feel it's time for me to move out and get my own place. When I told Mom how I felt, she became furious. She has always pushed in my face that she couldn't wait until I move out. Now that I'm actually doing it, she is threatening that if I go I can't come back -- ever. I can't wash laundry at her house, and I can't come to visit.

My two sisters and my brother moved out, and moved back at one point. They also did their laundry here and slept over when needed. I don't understand why she's acting this way toward me.

Now Mom is screaming and complaining about every little thing to the point that I'm considering seeing a shrink to handle it. Can you help me cope with the stress my mother is handing me? -- STUNNED IN PHILADELPHIA

DEAR STUNNED: You are your mother's baby -- the last fledgling to leave the nest. I'm sure you have been the center of her life for a long time, ever since the death of your father. When you go, your mother will have to do some serious thinking about the way she has lived her life, and the direction she plans to take for the rest of it. She may be threatening you because SHE feels threatened by the fact that you're leaving.

The best advice I can offer is that you tell her how much you love her and how grateful you are to have her in your life, but that in order for you to grow, you have to separate from her for a while.

P.S. Your idea of a "shrink" is an excellent one. I recommend that you AND your mother see a licensed therapist for family counseling to ease the transition.

DEAR ABBY: Every time my husband does the dishes I see red. I was taught to do the glasses first and the silverware next because they touch your mouth. My husband does the plates and bowls first, then the glasses and silverware. What is the proper way to do dishes?

Also, when I vacuum, he always tells me I should dust first, then vacuum. I vacuum, then dust. Should he be doing the housework or should I? -- TERRI IN JOHNSTOWN, PA.

DEAR TERRI: You should be doing the dishes, and he should be doing the dusting and vacuuming. And you both should be saving for an automatic dishwasher.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)