DEAR ABBY: I had to write after reading the letter from "Ready to Serve in New Hampshire" (Feb. 23), who felt compelled to delay her dinner party when her guests brought fresh vegetables from their garden.

My husband's summer hobby is a large vegetable garden, and he, too, enjoys giving away the fruits of his labor. When we are invited to dine with friends, he also brings a gift of his wonderful vegetables. But in no way does he expect our hosts to prepare them for us. They are intended for the family to enjoy at future meals.

I doubt that "Ready's" guests intended for her to cook those veggies, either. She should have thanked them and stored their gift for future dining. -- FARMER'S WIFE IN KANSAS

DEAR FARMER'S WIFE: Most of the letters I received commenting on that question agreed that the woman had stressed out needlessly, and that common sense dictated the items should be consumed later. However, some other readers wanted to share their own experiences when receiving and giving edible gifts. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I often bring a basket of vegetables from my garden as a house gift, especially if someone had commented on my garden. Never in my wildest dreams would I think my hosts would put everything on hold in order to serve the veggies immediately. If I brought homemade bath salts as a gift, I wouldn't expect the hosts to stop what they were doing and take a bath.

"Ready's" friends did nothing wrong. She overreacted to their kind gesture. -- GREEN THUMB IN AMARILLO, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: What on earth made "Ready to Serve" think she was supposed to cook the items her guests brought to her home? If they were meant to be served that evening, they would have already been prepared. My guess is that the guests eat those fresh vegetables every day while they are in season, and the last thing they'd want to do is eat them again at somebody else's house.

"Ready" made a mistake and then got frustrated. Just because I take fresh eggs to my friends when they invite me to dinner doesn't mean I want them scrambled for the meal. -- COUNTRY GIRL FROM THE SOUTH

DEAR ABBY: A Southerner by birth and training, it is not in me to forgo bringing a host/hostess gift to dinner, no matter how informal the meal. I also would not expect my gift to be used then and there.

"Ready" should have smiled graciously and said, "Oh, how lovely! Bob and I will certainly eat well this week." Those of us who bring edible gifts should indicate that they are intended for later enjoyment. -- SOUTHERN GENT

DEAR ABBY: Who invites guests over for dinner and has the meal ready to serve as they arrive? How about a little conversation while dinner is being prepared? How about some time to relax and talk before sitting down to the table?

The fresh vegetables this couple brought could be added to the menu if desired, but a matter of 15 or 20 minutes' preparation time shouldn't be the deciding factor. -- JOHN C. IN POMPANO BEACH, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 47-year-old male and grateful to "Ready" for bringing back some wonderful memories of summers at my Grandmother Ruby's house. We spent many a summer gardening together. We would take vegetables over to friends and family, and they'd do the same for us. It was Ruby's way to show off her garden and share its bounty with others.

When my grandmother received such a gift, she would always make a big deal of it and, if the veggies were pre-cleaned, would place them in a basket and use them for a centerpiece. Thanks for helping me remember a wonderful time. -- SMILING STILL IN SAN ANGELO, TEXAS

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 28-year-old woman and have been dating a 26-year-old man I'll call "Chris" for four months. We have become good friends. On our last date, the topic of sex came up, and Chris told me that he was a virgin and that it was very important for him to find a girl who had "never been with anyone" either.

Well, Abby, that bridge was burned when I was a teenager. I was honest with Chris about it, which was not easy because I now regret some of the poor choices I made at that time of my life. I am a completely different person now due to a religious conversion and am waiting until I am married to have sex again.

I told Chris this, and asked if he wanted to continue the relationship. His answer was he'd "have to think about it." We are still friends. He says he likes me and still wants us to date.

However, although I care deeply for him, I now feel devalued. I'm afraid this issue is going to cause problems in the future. I believe that purity is an issue more of the heart than the body. If I had known that virginity was so important to Chris, I would never have dated him in the first place. I can't change the past, and I have strong opinions about men who sing "Amazing Grace" in church while insisting on marrying virgins. What should I do? -- DEFLOWERED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR "DEE": Cross Chris off your list as husband material. Your friend may be self-conscious about his lack of experience or his old-fashioned values. It's the old double standard, and even some men who have sown acres of wild oats feel this way.

While most men today have more sophisticated thinking about sex, the one you are dating has his heart set on a "sweet old-fashioned girl." If that's what he wants, it's his privilege -- provided he can find one. As for you, it was your bad luck to get involved with someone whose values are different from your own, but that's the luck of the draw. Please don't take it personally. It's time to move on.

DEAR ABBY: I had a teenage pregnancy while our family was living in a foreign country. I gave birth to a son and named him "Jacob." After a few months, my parents thought it best to send me away to live with relatives.

My parents raised Jake as their own, legally adopted him and never hid the fact that I am his biological mother. Eventually everyone in my family moved to where I live, including my son, whom I treat as a younger brother. However, we have never lived under one roof.

I am now the mother of 2-year-old twins. Jacob adores the girls and sees them often. I don't know how I should explain Jake to my daughters. No one outside my family knows he is my son. My husband knew about this long before we had children, but never mentioned it to any of his family.

I didn't do the right thing when I was younger. I never got the chance to be a mother to Jacob, but I would like to be a good one for my girls, and I'm hoping you can help me. -- JUST CALL ME BRIANNA

DEAR BRIANNA: Your daughters are so little they are not likely to ask questions about Jacob for many years to come. But secrets have a way of revealing themselves, often at the most inopportune times.

Because so many family members know Jacob is your son, it is likely to come out sometime. When it does, do not deny it. Simply say that when Jacob was born, you were very young and unable to provide for him financially -- which is why your parents adopted and raised him as their own. It's the truth. End of story.

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DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from "Dirty Family Laundry" (Feb. 24), who asked you how to stop her mother-in-law from doing her laundry. Would you please ask her to send her mother-in-law to my house? She'd be greatly appreciated.

I used to be picky about how laundry got done and where the dishes were put away. But now that I live 1,000 miles from all family, and have a baby and a 3-year-old to take care of AND unending chores to do, I would love the help. -- TIRED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR TIRED: Your sentiments were echoed in the majority of the responses I received from readers about that letter. Most of them felt she should stop "sweating the small stuff" and be grateful to have a mother-in-law who is willing to help out any way she can. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Not only is the writer of that letter "particular," but also ungrateful. Life is too short to look for things to complain about. Let it go, dear. So what if she doesn't do the laundry just right? It can all be replaced, and sooner or later you will find whatever item she has misplaced. It really isn't worth getting upset about. I am truly grateful that my daughter-in-law overlooks my mistakes and loves me in spite of them. -- LINDA IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law used to come to our house for weekend visits. My husband and I would work and come home to a "clean" kitchen. The only problem was she couldn't see very well, and all of the dishes were still dirty and put in the wrong cupboards. The stove and countertops were also covered with an inch of soap film. Everything had to be washed all over again.

After about six of her visits, and grumbling under our breath after she left, my husband and I decided that this would become the ritual and turned it into a treasure hunt to recapture our kitchen.

My mother-in-law has since had a stroke that has left her paralyzed, so she doesn't visit anymore. What we wouldn't do to have her whole again. -- WHAT'S TWO DAYS EVERY NOW AND THEN?

DEAR ABBY: Her mother-in-law does her laundry while she's baby-sitting? And instead of being grateful for the help, she criticizes the way it is done? That woman needs a reality check about what is important in life -- the generosity of someone who is willing to do her housework and watch her kids, or whether her laundry is done to her specifications. She owes her mother-in-law a hug and a thank-you, not criticism. -- WISH MY MOM-IN-LAW WAS STILL WITH US

DEAR ABBY: I have lived with the same problem for 16 years. My suggestion? Stop regarding her helpfulness as criticism.

I used to think it was my mother-in-law's way of telling me I wasn't doing my job properly. Maybe it was. Maybe it was a control issue. Or perhaps she only wants to be helpful. Who cares? Hide any clothes that need special attention someplace where she won't find them. Then write 100 times on a piece of paper, "She did the laundry so I don't have to. Yay!" So what if her son's Batman underwear are in his sock drawer? She'll find them ... eventually! -- TINA IN VIRGINIA BEACH

DEAR ABBY: Years ago, my mother would come to visit our young, busy family. She would drag out the ironing board and tackle my overflowing laundry baskets. At first I was embarrassed, then upset. It wasn't until I realized that Mom felt this was her contribution to our family that I got smart and became thankful. I would leave a small basket for her to work on and hide the rest.

Now, whenever I'm standing over that same ironing board, I can feel my mom smiling down and saying, "Do you want help with that?" -- MISSING MAMA IN MILFORD, MASS.

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