DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our 60s and raising our 4-year-old grandson. His mother is incarcerated, and the father signed away his rights a couple of years ago.

The child is starting to ask questions about his father. How much of the truth should we tell him? -- STUMPED IN CORPUS CHRISTI

DEAR STUMPED: Be as honest with your grandson as you can without being cruel. Explain that when he was born, his father "wasn't ready" to be a father, so it was his wish that you take care of his son.

If the boy asks where his father is, tell him he is "far away." (Even if he lives across town, emotionally he is far away.) As your grandson grows older, he will have to be told more of the truth. But the information he receives should be age appropriate.

Please don't think your situation is unique. Millions of children today are being raised by their grandparents. Grandparents As Parents (GAP) is a support network where grandparents like you can share feelings and find support. The mailing address is: GAP, 22048 Sherman Way, Canoga Park, CA 91303. The Web site is � HYPERLINK "http://www.grandparentsasparents.com" ��www.grandparentsasparents.com�. When you contact this organization, you may be surprised to learn how much company you have on this "adventure" of parenthood the second time around.

DEAR ABBY: I am in the process of a divorce. My wife said she doesn't love me anymore and found love in another man's arms. I poured out my heart to "Marta," a mutual friend of ours, and she helped me through it all. Marta also had a lot of issues, and I did the same for her.

Later on, we found ourselves attracted to each other. However, we have decided not to pursue a relationship because we don't want to hurt other people. Marta and my wife work together. (Also, Marta is still with someone else.)

Should we dismiss our feelings for the sake of others or go for it for the sake of our happiness? -- CONFUSED IN TEXAS

DEAR CONFUSED: If Marta is married, she owes it to her husband to see if they can work out their problems. If she's not married, then I see no reason why you and she should not give your relationship a chance and see where it leads. The fact that Marta works with your wife should have no bearing on the matter.

P.S. Answering your question would have been simpler if you had made clear who the "others" are you would sacrifice your happiness for.

DEAR ABBY: A man I know is devastated by the loss of his 19-year-old son. The young man was a high school graduate, an excellent student and an athlete. The police are still investigating, but it seems he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time -- a victim of random violence.

I'm at a loss as to how to help my friend. Is there any kind of support group that might help him get through this? -- DAN IN DETROIT

DEAR DAN: Yes, there is. It's the National Organization of Parents of Murdered Children, a group that was founded in 1978. With 300 chapters, it provides mutual support to people who have survived the violent death of a loved one as they seek to heal from their loss. It would be a kindness to refer your friend to the Web site: � HYPERLINK "http://www.pomc.org" ��www.pomc.org�, or give him the toll-free phone number: (888) 818-7662.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

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DEAR ABBY: My dad's first wife, "Peggy," got pregnant while he was overseas in World War II. When he came home, he divorced her and tried without success to get custody of their two kids. Peggy went on to have three more kids out of wedlock with three different men. She had sex in front of the kids, misspent their child support money -- you name it. She also put Dad's name on all of their birth certificates.

All of this came out when Dad sued her over child support, and it's recorded in court transcripts. Peggy told all the kids that he was their dad, turned his own two kids against him and generally made his life hell.

Dad married my mom after his divorce and was a great husband and father up until his death. I recently found out that the illegitimate kids have been using my dad's name to establish false legitimacy and respectability all their lives. Should I confront them and ask them to stop? Their mother died last year. -- RICHARD IN CORSICANA, TEXAS

DEAR RICHARD: What on earth could you possibly have to gain by confronting them? None of this is their fault. They may be living completely respectable lives. If your description of their mother is accurate, don't you think they have suffered enough without your attacking them and saying they have no right to use the name they've been using since birth?

As long as those people are not using your father's last name to defraud anyone, they have a right to call themselves anything they please. Your efforts would be better spent on living a happy and useful life, and bringing as much honor to your own name as you possibly can. I see nothing positive to be gained by what you have in mind.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl. I have this boyfriend I have been dating for over a month. His name is "Travis," and he is 15 -- about to turn 16. Travis has had other girlfriends before me, but he said that nothing happened between them. He calls me about four times a week, and I talk to him at school daily. He keeps giving me the impression that he wants to move our relationship further.

When I told one of Travis' closest friends, I was informed that he had said that to the last three girls he had. So now I suspect that he has had sexual relationships with all of them. I would do anything for Travis, and he would do the same for me. But I am not sure I want to have sex with him -- at least not yet.

I don't know what to do. My sister, "Tess," who is dating one of my friends, told me to just go along with it. But I don't know if I would be doing the right thing. I want Travis to be happy, but I don't want to get hurt in the process. Please help. -- LOST AND CONFUSED IN LAKE CHARLES

DEAR LOST AND CONFUSED: Travis may be the nicest boy in the world, but look at the last three girls he "had." He's not with any of them, is he? That means your boyfriend has a short attention span, and more than a girlfriend, he wants a challenge.

Please do not listen to your sister's advice and "go along with it" to make him "happy." There are three sad girls standing in the background who tried to make him happy. I predict that trio will soon become a Greek chorus, and you do not want to be part of that crowd. Trust me on that. And strictly limit your "alone time" with him.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Like "Fine, Thank You in Gastonia, N.C." (March 23), I, too, was annoyed when people greeted me with the mindless, "How are you?" "How ya doin'?" etc., which required me to respond to someone who clearly had no interest in a real response. (I understand their feigned interest is more automatic than rude.)

So, I make a game of it. Unlike the greeter who blurts out the salutation without thinking, I listen and am prepared with several responses. For "How ya doin'?" I answer, "Not so good. My wife and oldest son and I just got out of three months in rehab for peanut butter addiction. I was a two-jar-a-day man myself. My boy had it even worse -- three jars of the hard stuff, crunchy!"

When asked, "What's up?" I'm inclined to respond, "My blood pressure, cholesterol and body mass index!" -- DAVE IN MARSHALL, WIS.

DEAR DAVE: Many readers who wrote to comment on that letter said they were perplexed at how "How are you?" has essentially replaced the greeting "Hello." And they were eager to share the quips they use to answer that rhetorical question. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have an alternative to the answer you gave to "Fine, Thank You" that I often use.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. When someone who knows I'm in AA asks me how I'm doing, my favorite reply is, "I'm walking, breathing and sober -- anything beyond that is gravy."

Another favorite I often use with people who don't know I'm in AA is, "Well, I woke up on this side of the grass, so I must be doing pretty well!" -- SHIRLEY IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ABBY: I have been having a lot of fun with this response to the "How are you?" question. I say, "I can't answer that." Expecting the worst, most people ask me why. That's when I say, "Because of the Medical Privacy Act!" Everyone has a good laugh and is relieved not to have had to listen to a list of my ailments. -- HAPPY BOB IN KIMBOLTON, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: I learned some years ago the power of a positive attitude. When an acquaintance asks how I am, I set the tone for my own day by answering, "I'm fabulous, thanks! How are you?"

You know the old "fake it 'til you feel it" philosophy? That's why I originally started doing it, but it has paid off for me because I receive positive energy in return. Not only do I actually feel happier after the interaction, but it's difficult for someone else to respond negatively to your smile. -- COLLEEN IN PORT COQUITLAM, BRITISH COLUMBIA

DEAR ABBY: My reply? "I'm better on the inside than I look on the outside!" -- JOYCE IN CONVERSE, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I once heard this response: "Vertical and ventilating!" I still laugh when I think of it. -- DOC IN CHARLESTON, S.C.

DEAR ABBY: My favorite response is one I get from a friend: "All monitored systems are functional." -- ED IN SAN JOSE

DEAR ABBY: My husband's grandfather, a Lutheran minister for more than 70 years, always used to say, "I'm answering the roll call." (He lived to be 102.) -- FAITHFUL READER IN MISSOURI

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)