DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Gregg," and I have been married seven years. We have two children. Gregg was recently laid off, and after doing some research, we decided we'd like to move to Texas where my brother-in-law and his family live. There is more career opportunity for us there, and we have been actively researching careers and housing.

The problem is my father and stepmother are against us moving even two hours away, let alone halfway across the country. We have not told them of our plans yet, but even a casual mention of a long-distance move brought my father to anger and tears for fear that he won't see his only grandchildren and me. His wife made it worse, claiming I was "selfish" for wanting to move away.

Abby, my parents have made their life choices. They have settled down and are happy with their small-town life. How can I get them to understand that this is what we need to do without them making us feel guilty? -- CONFLICTED IN SOUTH DAKOTA

DEAR CONFLICTED: As long as you allow your father and stepmother to make you feel guilty, they'll use guilt to influence the decisions you make. Having a spouse who has been laid off and having difficulty finding employment is a compelling reason to make a move, particularly if there are greater opportunities somewhere else.

My advice to you is to make a list -- as long as possible -- of the advantages your children will have in a larger community, with better educational and cultural exposure, family members around their age they can interact and bond with, etc. Refer to it when your father and stepmother react as you know they will. Let them know they're welcome to visit as often as they get lonely for the little ones, then follow through with your plans.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a problem that is perplexing both of us.

I'm a bartender and work in a very upscale restaurant. A girl who works in my husband's office keeps insisting that she and my husband go on a "dinner date" to my restaurant. She thinks it would be cute for me to wait on them.

My husband has no interest in this girl other than professional and finds it annoying that she constantly pressures him to go on this "date." It has become a source of stress on him.

How can we let her know that this is really "trashy" and it's not going to happen? (She even offered to buy the dinner!) -- APPALLED IN ASTORIA, ORE.

DEAR APPALLED: Your husband's co-worker is either completely lacking in common sense or she has a geranium in her cranium. Continually asking someone on a "date" -- married or not -- is sexual harassment. Your husband should tell her that fact and ask her to drop the subject -- and if she doesn't, his employer should be informed so he/she, or the director of human resources, can put a stop to a possible lawsuit.

A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: The object of life is not to be "happy." The object of life is to make society a better place in which to live. Every one of us has something to offer. In the words of G.B. Stern: "Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute."

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am being married this summer. It will be a fairly large wedding with 185 guests. My fiance's parents and grandparents are very supportive. The problem is my mother. She's an alcoholic.

When she drinks she can't stop, and usually becomes angry and belligerent. She will cause a scene and beg people for money. If she doesn't get exactly what she wants when she wants, she throws temper tantrums and has been known to become violent.

Mom has promised me she'll refrain from drinking at my reception, but neither my fiance nor I believe her. What are my options at this point? Should I allow her to come, with the risk that she'll ruin our big day? Or should I bar her from the reception?

Keep in mind that Mother was drunk during my entire high school graduation party. My friends and teachers who were there could see her bloodshot eyes and smell the alcohol on her breath. She was rude to everyone. I had a collage of their pictures on display, and she spent most of her time at the party coloring over their faces. It was the most embarrassing experience of my life. I am terrified of what she'll do at my reception. -- BRIDE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR BRIDE: You should not have to spend your wedding day worrying about what your mother might do. If you allow her to attend the ceremony with the understanding that she will not be able to drink at the reception, what is to prevent her from having a couple before the ceremony -- with all that that implies? The definition of the disease of alcoholism is that the sufferer cannot control his or her drinking.

Talk to your mother NOW. Explain that she will not be invited to your wedding and why. Alcoholics try to find reasons to celebrate by drinking, and your wedding would be too much of a temptation for someone who isn't already involved in an alcohol treatment program. And nowhere in your letter did you say that this woman has even attempted to help herself.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jack," and I have been together for 14 years. We were married for seven years, then divorced and got back together six months after we split. We remarried three-and-a-half years ago.

We have two beautiful children and are happily married this time around -- except for one thing. Jack says he wants me to go out and find a boyfriend. He says he wants me to be happy, that I am his entire world and he loves me so much he can't envision his life without me.

I have told Jack over and over that this wouldn't make me happy, that I'm happy just being with him. He continues to say the offer is there if I decide to take him up on it. He doesn't seem to get that this is HIS fantasy -- not mine. I am deeply hurt that he would want to put me out there like that. I feel as though he doesn't really care about me and that he's only concerned about how he feels and what turns him on.

Why would he want me to be with other men if he feels the way he says he does about me? -- CONFUSED AND HURT IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONFUSED AND HURT: A couple of thoughts come to mind. Your husband may want an open marriage, and this is his way of opening the door to one. He could also be insecure about his ability to satisfy you. However, the surest way to find the answers you're seeking is in the office of a marriage counselor. Please don't wait any longer to consult one.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I met my best friend, "Chanelle," a hairstylist, 20 years ago when she worked in a beauty salon and I was a walk-in client. We hit it off immediately. She has been doing my hair ever since, and I have referred clients to her over the years.

About 10 years ago, Chanelle began working full-time in her family's business, but continued hairstyling on the side -- first in a salon, now from her home. Over the past three years, I have become increasingly unhappy with her haircuts and color. I expressed it to Chanelle, but she didn't really respond. (Example: I want red hair, but when I asked for more red, she made it darker and darker. Now it looks auburn in daylight.)

I was recently out of town and took the opportunity to make an appointment at a well-known salon. The stylist there informed me that no one has had a hairstyle like mine in 10 years. She also gave me the color I had been trying to get from Chanelle for the last three years. I had her write down the formula and gave it to Chanelle when I got home.

I recently went for a cut and color, expecting that Chanelle would use the formula I had given her. Instead, she informed me that she had thrown it away because she is a "colorist" and can match colors on sight. Needless to say, the color is not what I wanted. When I told her that, she told me the lighting in her home is different and that it would look right outside. I called her again from home to say it didn't. All she said was it would fade over time.

I made an appointment at a salon today to get the color I want. Obviously, I don't want to go back to Chanelle. She hasn't taken a class in 10 years, and she has been shining me on. How do I tell her without ruining our friendship? I should add that she was hypercritical of the cut I got on my trip, which is actually the best haircut I've had in three years. -- BAD HAIR DECADE

DEAR BAD HAIR DECADE: The question isn't whether you are being a "bad friend" by patronizing another hairstylist. It's whether Chanelle has been insensitive to you and your needs. Tell her you love her, but you have decided it's time to update your look so she won't be seeing you "professionally" for a while -- but "how about dinner and a movie next Friday?"

Believe me, it won't be the first time a hairdresser (or former hairdresser) has heard it. It goes with the territory. If she's really your friend, she'll understand.

DEAR ABBY: I don't know what to do. My friend "Joe" and I are in sixth grade. We have been friends since the beginning of this year. His friend, "Sierra," and her friends go to parties where everyone drinks and smokes.

I'm really worried about Sierra, especially because she doesn't listen to Joe when he asks her to stop. How can I get her and her friends to stop going to these parties? What should I do? -- UPSET IN EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR UPSET: It's clear that Joe's friend Sierra and the crowd she's running with have parents who don't look out for them. That's a shame, because they are headed for serious trouble if they continue on the path they're on.

It's time to face the fact that Sierra isn't going to stop without adult supervision. This isn't something you or Joe can handle by yourselves, so tell your mother and tell a teacher or counselor at school whom you trust. The time has come for the topic of alcohol abuse to be discussed in your classroom. Underage drinking is not harmless fun, and can have lasting effects.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)