DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law recently came for a visit. I have not really trusted "Claire" since I began noticing that every time she would leave, a garment or two of mine was missing.

During this last visit, a day before her scheduled departure, I noticed a shirt I had just washed was missing from the laundry room where I had left it. I mentioned it to my husband, and he found it -- in Claire's suitcase.

My husband wants an apology and to inform her that she's not invited back. Is there a proper way to handle this? We haven't said anything to her yet. -- SICK OF THE STEALING IN PHILADELPHIA

DEAR SICK OF THE STEALING: What a sad situation. Obviously, the time has come to clear the air -- but please try to do it kindly. Your sister-in-law may be a certified kleptomaniac, unable to control her impulse to take things. Or, she could be frustrated with her own life and covetous of the loving relationship you enjoy with her brother, and took the items in an attempt to fill the emptiness she feels inside. In either case, she should be confronted with the evidence and told that you both know what has been going on -- and if it happens again, she'll no longer be your houseguest.

DEAR ABBY: This is an open letter from a grieving wife to unfaithful husbands everywhere. You're welcome to print it if you think it might save families from added grief.

Dear Unfaithful Husband: Have you ever stopped to think what would happen if your life ended suddenly, giving you no time to clean up what you would not want your family to know?

My husband died instantly in an automobile accident during his workday. When I was asked to pick up the contents of his desk, his car and the locker at his club, I was shocked beyond belief. The loving husband and father I thought I knew after almost 30 years of marriage had been leading a double life. He had at least three other women conveniently located within a 25-mile radius of our home and his office.

It has taken me three years and numerous counseling sessions to come to terms with my anger and grief. I know it was insecurity caused by his father leaving them during his early years and his mother's resulting instability, but I am still having difficulty getting beyond my anger and hurt when I think of how our grown children might have had to go through this if both of us had been killed in the accident.

For those who are cheating and think you have it hidden so well, stop and think: What would your family find after your death that would cause them additional grief? -- STILL GRIEVING IN DIXIE

DEAR STILL GRIEVING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your double loss -- that of your husband of 30 years, and also the illusions you had about your life partner. I suspect the latter is what is still causing you grief. I'm pleased to print your open letter to cheating spouses everywhere. However, rather than urging them to cover their tracks, would it not better to suggest they correct what is missing in their marriages so they can remain faithful?

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Richard" for three years. We began dating when my daughter was 1. He is great with her, and with me. The only problem is he doesn't want to get married.

I love him, but I'm not getting any younger and I want to be married. I want another child and a stable family for my daughter. Richard says he is afraid that the stress of dealing with the both of us would drive him crazy. I gave him an ultimatum -- marry me or let me move on. Was I wrong to do that? -- HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS IN MISSOULA, MONT.

DEAR HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS: If Richard has been able to tolerate the "stress" of dealing with you and your daughter for three years, then he isn't afraid the stress of dealing with the two of you will drive him crazy. He's afraid of commitment.

There is nothing wrong with wanting another child and a stable family for you and your daughter. And if Richard isn't man enough to provide those things for you, then yes, you were right to give him the ultimatum.

DEAR ABBY: My parents and I go out to dinner once a month. Mother eats slower than the rest of us, and no one in our family minds. She was still enjoying her dinner when the server came to clear our plates. He stood there watching her eat, then offered us dessert! My father and I believe it was very rude.

This has happened to us a number of times. Are restaurants really encouraging their wait staff to rush patrons along by doing this? -- ANNOYED IN VERMONT

DEAR ANNOYED: Many restaurant managers feel that the more often they can "turn" a table, the better their bottom line will be. It also gives the servers the opportunity to earn more tips. However, for your server to have made you feel rushed was tactless.

Because you felt you were being rushed, you should have told the server, "Thank you, but we prefer to wait until everyone has finished eating before you clear or we order dessert."

P.S. Not every patron feels the way you do about this. Some diners prefer to have their dirty plate taken away and to be served coffee while the slow eaters finish their meals.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to know if there is a "proper" way to hold a pen or pencil while writing. My grandmother and my mother seem to think that penmanship is much neater when you hold it between your middle and index fingers. I, however, naturally hold it between my middle and ring fingers.

They both tried to teach me to write the way they do, but I couldn't even write my name. If you could help, I'd be grateful. -- KAELA IN RED OAK, TEXAS

DEAR KAELA: The "proper" way to hold a pen or pencil is the way your mother and grandmother do. It is the way they were taught in penmanship class in grammar school, and it's the way you should have been taught by your teachers. Had you been taught correctly from the beginning, you would have mastered the technique at a time when it was easy to learn.

However, because you write neatly holding the pen the way you do, I see no reason why you should worry about what is proper at this late date. Do what works for you, and obviously this does.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have read your column for the better part of 20 years and always enjoyed it, even if I didn't always agree with your advice. The fact that it makes us think is what makes it so enjoyable.

Now I find myself writing to get an opinion on a matter that has been very hard for me. I have been married for the last 20 years to a woman who has been hard to get along with, at best. We were married because she became pregnant. I thought I was doing the right thing. Later, I found out she had stopped taking birth control pills so she could get me to marry her.

Looking back, it was not the right thing to do. I have stayed married and we have had a second child. Again, she was on the pill, and again I thought I was doing the right thing by staying around to be the father.

I removed my wedding ring 10 years ago and have been barely getting along with her while I work a lot of jobs away from the house to avoid the never-ending arguments. I don't hate her or wish anything bad for her, but I have reached the point where I can no longer stand to be around her. I have concluded that staying married for the sake of the kids and trying to be a two-parent family was the wrong thing to do.

I know the ensuing divorce will be ugly, with her constantly harassing me, but how can I help her to see that our marriage has been a train wreck in slow motion for 20 years? -- LIVING AWAY

DEAR LIVING AWAY: Your marriage was based on fraud, and a marriage with fraud as its foundation is like a house built on quicksand. As unhappy as you have been, your wife appears to have been even unhappier. She knows she tricked you into marriage and you weren't in love with her -- and she has been taking her anger out on you and herself ever since.

As you said, ending the marriage won't be pleasant -- and she will probably be punitive. Therefore, it is imperative that your children be made to understand that, regardless of what has happened with their mother, you will always be there for them. As to "helping her see," etc. -- save that effort for later, much later, when her anger has cooled to indifference.

DEAR ABBY: I carpool my daughter, "Leslye," to school with one other student. It has been helpful because Leslye needs to be taken to and from school five days a week. The problem is, Leslye does not like riding in the other mother's car because it is filthy.

Leslye has come home with stains on her pants from sitting on melted crayons, old food, etc. She tells me that it's OK for all trash to be thrown on the floor. It was that way all year.

Have you any suggestions on how to handle this situation next year? (I am a non-confrontational type of person.) I hope the other mom reads your column. -- MARIAN IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR MARIAN: And what if she doesn't read my column? Unless you are willing to advocate for your daughter, there is nothing I can do. It would not be confrontational to tell the woman that your daughter's clothing was soiled because of the melted crayons -- or food -- on the seats of her car, and that it's time the vehicle was cleaned. It's part of responsible parenting. If she doesn't get the message, then it will be up to you to provide more suitable transportation to school for your daughter.

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