DEAR ABBY: My little girl, "Angela," is 3 and has never seen her father. We were engaged to be married, but he left me three weeks before I had her. She is now asking lots of questions about who he is and where he is.

People who are "educated" in this sort of thing have instructed me to talk about it, keep it simple and not to lie. I have explained to Angela that "you have a daddy, his name is Jeff, and that he lives too far away to see." This was acceptable for a while, but she continues to ask about him.

What is hard to explain to my child is that her father abandoned us with no explanation. The guy didn't even give me a phone call to let me know he wasn't going to be around. He just disappeared. It has been four years of grieving, and I still cry over the loss of my best friend, the father of my beautiful little girl -- not to mention the many issues that go with being a single mother.

Please help me answer questions that are painful for me to explain, so it won't leave a permanent scar on my daughter. -- DEVASTATED IN ST. CHARLES, MO.

DEAR DEVASTATED: I have often thought how unfortunate it is that boys can father children at the age of 11, when many of them don't grow up until they're in their 30s. The "best friend" who fathered your little girl is a prime example.

This is the "mantra" to repeat when your daughter asks about him: "Your father's name is Jeff. I don't know where he is. He left before you were born." It's simple, it's no reflection on her -- or you, for that matter -- and it's the truth. Of course, as your daughter grows older and asks for more information, she should be given more details. But for now, this should be enough.

A final thought. Because four years into the grieving process you are still crying, please consider some sessions with a psychologist. You deserve more happiness and satisfaction than you appear to be getting. You can't change the facts, but you can change the way you react to life's challenges.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were recently asked to join another couple, "Johnny" and "Brooke," at an upscale restaurant that we would not ordinarily frequent. We decided to join them and had a lovely, if extremely expensive, dinner.

When the check came, Johnny took several gift cards out of his pocket and applied them to their half of the bill. (They covered the majority of it.)

We had no idea that this was the reason Johnny and Brooke wanted to eat there and were shocked that they had not said something earlier. We might have declined.

Of course, we paid our portion of the bill, but when we discussed it later, we both felt that we had been duped. Had the tables been turned, we would have applied the gift cards to the entire bill. Were we duped, and were they cheap? -- AM I STUPID IN POMONA, N.Y.?

DEAR AM I: If you went to the restaurant under the impression that you were being treated to dinner, then you were duped. If you went there planning to split the check -- as many couples do -- then you would have paid for your half of the bill anyway. Whether the money they applied to their half was earned or gifted should not be your concern.

As to whether they were "cheap" -- well, they could have been more generous. But they were under no obligation to be.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Furious in Vancouver, Wash." (5/30), about adults-only weddings, was right on.

My brother is being married in two weeks. We were informed, via e-mail, that children were not invited. The note said that baby-sitting was being arranged, but that each couple would be responsible for the baby-sitting fee.

My wife and I are upset about it, because we have an adopted 16-year-old and an 8-year-old who will be in the wedding party as the ring bearer. We also have a newborn, but because baby sitters are being arranged we didn't have a problem leaving him with them.

As you suggested, I called my brother to ask about it. They relented, and now the plan is for no children under 7. This will result in excluding only two children from the guest list.

In the end, it was better for me to talk to my brother first than to go off half-cocked and create a potentially ugly situation for what should be one of the happiest events in my brother's life. -- MIKE IN INDIANA

DEAR MIKE: Readers from both sides of the aisle wrote to agree that the writer was being unreasonable and that she should attend her brother's wedding -- with or without her husband. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Furious" made ME furious. She implied that her brother should not allow his son at the wedding because "if no kids are allowed, then there should be no exceptions." She must be joking! Not to allow his own son at his wedding is much different than not allowing a couple of nephews. There are many reasons why her brother and soon-to-be wife might have reached their decision. She should grant her brother's wish and stop complaining that her young children -- who would be bored anyway -- can't attend. She should make it a date night out with her hubby and enjoy herself! -- FURIOUS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: The woman whose children were not invited to her brother's small wedding needs to check an etiquette book. It is the privilege of the host/hostess to determine the guest list, and not for the guests to question. It is also rude for guests to ask to invite extra guests, or to bring them anyway, especially to a small wedding.

-- ETIQUETTE MAVEN, FORT WORTH, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: As a wedding singer and tour guide for a historic home that hosts weddings, I'm appalled at the behavior of children at weddings. I am even more disgusted at the lack of parental control I have seen exercised. By the way, I have four children of my own whom I love, but I don't take them to weddings. -- BIG BROWN SINGING TOUR GUIDE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR ABBY: Sorry, I must disagree with you on this one. It's the brother who has done something he'll regret. The sister is reacting to his disrespect for her family.

My wife and children are my world, and other family members are simply satellites around that world. If they refuse to recognize my world, then to me, they're just insignificant comets flying through my universe. -- DOUG IN BLANCHARD, OKLA.

DEAR ABBY: Not every occasion is designed to give parents the opportunity to parade their kids around like show dogs. Sure, your kids are sweet and adorable in their parents' eyes, but not everyone shares that opinion. Deal with it! The wedding couple has the final say on who is invited to their wedding. Either hire a baby sitter or stay home. The choice is yours. -- CHILD-FREE IN TENNESSEE

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Can you go to Al-Anon if you had a husband who was an alcoholic, but is dead? He committed suicide with a 5.0 blood alcohol level.

I have been a mess for the last two years. I can't sleep, can't concentrate and don't enjoy anything. I would really like to be able to talk with people who understand what living with an alcoholic is like and won't blame me for what he did, as most of his family does. But I hesitate to go to Al-Anon.

What can I do to get over the self-inflicted death of a man I'll never stop loving? -- HURTING IN HOUSTON

DEAR HURTING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the tragic loss of your husband. There are several things you can do to heal yourself. The first is to recognize that the symptoms you describe are signs of chronic depression for which you will need professional help -- so pick up the phone and ask your doctor for a referral to a therapist.

While I am sure you would be welcome at Al-Anon, another group that would also welcome you with open arms is the American Association of Suicidology, which provides -- among other things -- materials and referrals to local self-help groups for survivors of suicide. The Web site is � HYPERLINK "http://www.suicidology.org" ��www.suicidology.org�.

DEAR ABBY: I want you to know you have helped me find a way to spend more time not only talking with my fiance, but also sharing our thoughts and values. We have been together more than two years. "Marshall" isn't much of a talker, while sometimes I just ramble on. I suspect Marshall often agrees with me just to get me to shut up.

Well, I have been reading your column archives online recently and have started sharing some of the letters with him. I read them aloud and ask him how he would respond to them and why. After he answers, I tell him my feelings on the subject. The broad range of issues in your column helps us discuss important issues that don't normally come up in conversation.

Marshall and I agree most of the time, but not always. When we don't agree, we discuss how we would compromise if we were in the same situation as the person writing the letter. Then we read your response. This has helped us realize things about each other that we hadn't previously and has definitely brought us closer together. Thank you!

-- LOYAL READER IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR LOYAL READER: You're welcome. I'm pleased my column is helping you and your fiance to better communicate. However, before you and Marshall finally tie the knot, allow me to offer a suggestion that could help you head off numerous serious problems before they become issues. It's premarital counseling, and it will facilitate meaningful discussions regarding money, sex, children and religion, to name a few of the topics.

DEAR ABBY: My soon-to-be-ex-husband's secretary keeps giving my 16-year-old daughter extravagant gifts for Christmas. One year it was a complete Tiffany jewelry set (earrings, necklace and ring). This past year, "Donna" gave my daughter a $200 gift certificate to an expensive clothing store and another $200 one at a trendy cosmetics store. Should I be suspicious? -- EAST COAST MAMA

DEAR EAST COAST MAMA: No, by now you should be convinced.

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