DEAR ABBY: "Horrified in Dover, Del." (May 30) describes a classic example of what psychologists call "Bystander Syndrome." It's a sad fact that the majority of people pass by an accident or simply stand and watch without helping because they figure that "somebody else" will do something. In many cases, nobody does anything, which can lead to serious consequences.

That is why it's important that people be familiar with basic first aid and not hesitate to take action when they see a crisis unfolding. And if you need something done for you, specifically select someone from the crowd, and indicate clearly to that person what you need. People are far more likely to take action when told to do so. -- STUDENT OF PSYCHOLOGY, LONGMONT, COLO.

DEAR STUDENT: The majority of my readers felt there were legal, ethical and moral reasons why a person should -- or should not -- help someone in distress. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In rebuttal to your assertion that there is "no excuse" not to help, there are at least two reasons why folks might not stop and provide assistance.

The first is general liability, where the lady might, after the fact, decide to bring a lawsuit if all didn't go well with the assistance she was provided. There is also the remote possibility that the accident was staged to provide a basis for a lawsuit.

The other is that the state in which the accident occurred may not have a "Good Samaritan" law, which limits the potential liability of a person who provides assistance to the person in distress. Without that law in place, the courts and juries are stacked against the Good Samaritan.

It's unfortunate that people who offer a helping hand place themselves potentially at financial and emotional risk. I only hope that I have the presence of mind in the future to withhold assistance in a state that has no Good Samaritan law. So far, I have always given assistance, even though I have promised myself I wouldn't. -- GOOD SAMARITAN LAW ADVOCATE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: In your response to "Horrified," you said, "There are still many caring people ..." "Still" is the key word. There was a time in the not-so-distant past when anyone would have helped without hesitation. Walking by was virtually unheard of. Now it's considered normal behavior. Hopefully, this diminished sense of empathy is reversible in our culture. -- STILL CARING, KELSEYVILLE, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: After reading "Horrified's" letter, I must tell you about a similar incident.

"Tank" is a big man. He has only one leg and the other isn't in the best condition. He uses a motorized wheelchair to get around.

One evening during rush hour, Tank was on his way home when one of the wheels on the chair fell off. After a half-hour sitting by the curb in the cold rain with no one coming to his aid, he became disgusted. Being anything but helpless, he held onto the arm of the wheelchair and hopped up on his damaged foot. When the next vehicle drew close enough that he knew he'd be spotlighted in the headlights, he turned around and MOONED the vehicle.

Abby, the police arrived almost immediately to arrest the "flasher." However, after understanding Tank's predicament, they nicely summoned assistance. -- INTRIGUED BY INGENUITY

DEAR READERS: More on this tomorrow, from a different perspective.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: For the second time this week, I saw a dog left in a car while its owner went shopping. Please remind your readers that anything over 70 degrees -- or even 65 on a sunny day -- can mean that the inside of a car will quickly climb to more than 100 degrees!

The dog today, an adorable pug, was panting desperately against the window, which had not even been cracked a couple of inches in an attempt to do the right thing. Abby, the car had a couple of doggie decals on it, as if the owners believed themselves to be animal lovers!

Please also let your readers know it's OK to leave a polite note on a car, telling the owner that it's too hot to leave a dog in a car, and to alert the manager of the store (if they know which one) so an announcement can be made that there is a dog in distress. It is worth the extra minute to try to courteously educate and alert the careless animal owner. -- NO DOGS IN THE CAR AFTER MEMORIAL DAY

DEAR NO DOGS: Thank you for your important message. I spoke with Capt. David Havard of the Los Angeles SPCA, who kindly provided the following information: "Leaving a dog in a car can be considered neglect or abuse. There are laws governing cruelty to animals, and enforcement of those laws would fall under local jurisdiction."

So, readers, if you see a pet left in a parked car, the first thing to do would be to alert security personnel for the parking lot. And if the lot has no security personnel on duty, notify the police. Leaving a note on the offender's car is not enough, because the poor animal could be dead by the time the owner returns.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend for two years. He has met my parents and I have met his, but our parents have never met each other.

Every time we try to get them together, they seem to have some excuse not to. My boyfriend and I recently moved in together and threw a small housewarming party. We invited both of our families, and, of course, like we knew they would, one family showed up and then left before the other arrived.

I want us all to know each other because I can definitely see myself spending the rest of my life with this man, but I don't know how to get it to happen! What should I do? -- BAFFLED IN LOUISVILLE

DEAR BAFFLED: Announce your engagement. That may be what your parents -- and his -- are waiting for.

DEAR ABBY: Last year, for our 13th anniversary, I bought my wife a pair of diamond earrings (about 1 total carat). The only thing I did not mention was that they were man-made diamonds and cost only about one-fourth of the real thing.

Abby, she lost the earrings on a recent trip and is heartbroken. I hate to see her feel this guilty. I want to tell her the truth, but I'm torn because I don't want her to think I'm cheap for getting her man-made diamonds instead of real ones. -- TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL IN HOUSTON

DEAR TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL: There is a way for you to expiate your guilt. Buy your wife another pair of earrings -- and this time make them the real thing.

(P.S. Because of your wife's track record, be smart and insure them.)

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: At 16, I married a man I didn't love. No excuses, but the stress of that marriage kept me an angry person. I was an abusive mother when my children were growing up. I have apologized to them more than once and changed who I am. Last year, my second husband and I opened our home to my oldest daughter and her two children. (She had her third baby while living with us.)

Sadly, my daughter is perpetuating the abusive behavior she grew up with. I tried to gently bring it to her attention while she was living here, but she quickly blamed it all on me. She moved out, separated herself and her children from me, and through telephone conversations has also alienated her sister and brother from me. She has lied to them about me, and they have shared their horror stories about childhood abuse with each other. Now, only one out of four of my grown children will even speak to me.

What more can I do besides apologize? I love my children and grandchildren. I hate seeing them repeat the cycle of abuse. They blame me, saying they learned it from me. I have tried telling my daughter she must learn how to break the cycle and make things better for her own children, but this has only pushed her further away. How can I mend my broken family and my broken heart? -- FILLED WITH REGRET IN INDIANA

DEAR FILLED WITH REGRET: You can't. You planted this crop, and this is the harvest. However, if the child who is still speaking with you can prevail upon his/her siblings to reconsider what they are doing, there is a chance that with counseling the pattern of abuse can be broken. It's a long shot. And if it doesn't work, then you must seriously evaluate whether child protective services should intervene for the sake of your grandchildren's safety.

DEAR ABBY: I need your advice on how to deny my granddaughter the right to live with me. My parents divorced when I was 11. I was the eldest of eight children and was sent to a foster home, where I was also their baby sitter.

When I graduated from high school, I immediately married a boy from school who I was friendly with. It got me out of the system, but I worked hard on that marriage. We had five children in six years, plus both of my elderly in-laws lived with us.

For the last two years I have been alone. (Both of my parents died shortly after my husband was killed in an auto accident.) I have been taking care of others all my life, so now I feel I deserve some alone time.

Because I own my home (which I earned myself), my granddaughter thinks it is her right to move in with her two girls as "you have more space than you need." I love "Mary," but I feel she won't move out once she's in. I don't want to alienate her, but I want her to stand on her own two feet, not mine. -- FEELING TRAPPED AND GUILTY

DEAR FEELING TRAPPED AND GUILTY: Stand your ground. You are not trapped and you should not feel guilty. Your alarm bells are going off with good reason. The statement that you "have more space than you need" is presumptuous, and shows that your granddaughter has an exaggerated sense of entitlement. And you might, indeed, have a hard time getting rid of her once she gets comfortable.

My advice is to "remind" your granddaughter of the facts of your life, just as you related them to me. You are entitled to peace of mind and a life of your own because you have definitely "served your time."

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)