DEAR ABBY: This letter is regarding "Second-Guessing Myself in New York" (June 9), the young single woman who wants to have a baby by artificial insemination and thinks her dad will be a great role model. My sister had the same idea.

Shortly thereafter, I had my first child. My beautiful daughter was born with multiple birth defects and required many surgeries and hospitalizations. Thank God, I was married, and my husband was very supportive. I had to quit my job and stay home to care for our daughter. She is much better now, but will always require some help.

Our family had no history of birth defects, and my pregnancy was perfect. No one had any idea that my daughter would have problems. It was a big wake-up call for my sister. It made her realize that, as a single parent, she would have been unable to take time away from her job to care for a child with intensive (and expensive) needs.

Readers who are considering the prospect of becoming single parents by choice should remember that sometimes not everything goes as planned. -- MOTHER WHO HAS BEEN THERE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR MOTHER: Thank you for adding your personal perspective to this issue. The responses I received about the letter from "Second-Guessing" were balanced and thoughtful. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Four years after my first marriage, I decided that if the right man had not come along by the time I was 30, I would have a baby on my own. Then came Steve, the man of my dreams, the one I wanted to share my life and have children with. We began trying to have a child. When it didn't happen, we explored other options, but Steve said he didn't want to raise "someone else's child." I prayed that eventually I'd conceive and my dream would come true.

Three months ago, without warning, my "wonderful" husband of 22 years told me he was no longer in love with me. He had fallen for someone else (who has children, by the way!). The shock is still painful, but the truth is, if I had stuck with my original plan I would have my child. Now at 53, I have no children and my biological clock has stopped ticking.

If "Second-Guessing" is financially and emotionally prepared to have a child by age 30, she should not deprive herself of something she desperately wants. -- MARRIED MR. WRONG IN INDIANA

DEAR ABBY: At 28, with no potential husband in sight, I was worried that I would never get to have a baby. It was something I wanted more than anything, and couldn't see happening unless I did it myself.

Just before I turned 30, I met my husband. At 31, we were married, and a year later I had my first child. We have been happily married for eight years with two wonderful little boys. I cannot imagine doing it on my own. I have a loving spouse with whom to share all of this joy.

I, too, was worried about the high divorce rate and unhealthy relationships I saw around me. My husband and I sought counseling together before our wedding to make sure we were starting out on the right foot, and to learn how to resolve conflicts in a healthy way.

My advice: Hang in there and work hard to find the right partner. It is worth the wait! -- PATIENT ONE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: I am the only child of the most loving, generous, hard-working, inspiring single mother in the world. She always wanted to have a child, got pregnant at 30, and made the decision to raise me by herself. My mom and I are a complete family, and I wouldn't trade my relationship with her for anything. -- DAUGHTER OF A SINGLE MOM IN SEATTLE

DEAR ABBY: Has "Second-Guessing" thought about adopting or fostering a needy child? While I am sure that most people think they have something extraordinary to add to the gene pool, the sad fact is that there are countless thousands of children in this country who need a stable family. -- BOTHERED IN SAN FRANCISCO

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: We're having a problem with my little sister, "Madison." She's 6 -- almost 7. Mom told me that Madison talked to her dad and told him that my grandfather touched her. Two weeks after Madison told him, he finally told my mom. Mom talked to Madison about it, but she denied saying it.

Mom asked me if I would talk to my little sister and see what her response was. When I asked her if Grandpa had touched her, she put her head down and quietly said, "No." She does that when she's lying.

I waited an hour or so and asked about it again. She still said no, so I asked if she would like me to talk to Grandpa for her. She said yes. Then I asked, "So he did touch you?" She quickly said no and changed the subject.

Mom and I don't want to cause trouble with my grandparents, and we don't have enough proof that he did touch her. Please help. We're in desperate need of it. -- PROTECTIVE SISTER IN WASHINGTON

DEAR PROTECTIVE SISTER: Sometimes people who molest little children lead them to believe that it was their fault, or tell them that if they tell their mother, the molester will harm the mother. It is time to involve a trained, nonthreatening professional in this discussion.

I recommend that your mother ask Madison's pediatrician for a referral to a child psychologist who specializes in abuse. Through discussion, art projects and "play" sessions, he or she can evaluate the situation and determine what did or did not happen.

In the meantime, Madison should not be alone with her grandfather unless she is closely supervised.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old recent college graduate. I have a great job and live in a country club community. My problem is, my boyfriend and I eloped, and I have yet to tell my ultra-traditional parents. They have never met him, as they live up north and I am in Florida.

Do you have any advice on how to tell them that I am married? -- SERIOUSLY SCARED IN FLORIDA

DEAR SERIOUSLY SCARED: The longer you hold off telling your parents, the more angry and disappointed they will be. I suggest that as soon as you and your husband can possibly manage it, you pay your parents a visit so you can tell them the good news. Put it this way: "Mom, Dad, I have a once-in-a-lifetime gift for you. Meet your son-in-law! I know you'll grow to love him as much as I do." Then duck.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance's parents told us they would help us pay for our wedding and sent him a check.

I am the one designated to plan this affair, but my fiance refuses to give me access to the money and says his parents gave the money to "him" for our wedding. He would rather I make the purchases and then ask him for a reimbursement. The check was made out to him. Should I feel any right to have access to the money? -- CONFUSED OR CONTROLLED

DEAR CONFUSED OR CONTROLLED: Be thankful this issue came up when it did. In the future, will any money your fiance's parents give you (both) also be controlled by him? You should definitely have access to the money without having to go hat in hand to him.

Many marriages have ended over issues of money and control, and my advice to you, before you get any closer to the altar, is to sign up for premarital counseling with your fiance to be absolutely sure you're on the same page before marrying him.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I still feel immensely hurt because of a failed relationship from almost 30 years ago. My high school sweetheart of almost four years broke off our engagement when we were in our early 20s. Our lives were going in different directions -- I was going to college and she was partying.

Over the years I never really got over the hurt, even though I have been married for 20 years and have a loving family. I finished college and have a great career.

Recently the wound was reopened when she reconnected through our high school Web site. She told me about her life, which has had its ups and downs. She now lives five states away. She's happily married but "just wanted to see what I'm doing and how my life ended up." I never returned the e-mail as it hurts too much.

How do I get over this, or doesn't the pain ever truly go away? -- ACHING IN NEW YORK

DEAR ACHING: First, thank your higher power that you have a successful career, a happy marriage and a loving family. Your pain will dissipate when you stop nursing your old hurts and count your blessings.

Quit dwelling on a disappointment from 30 years ago and begin living in the moment. Brooding is wasted effort. It only diminishes the present, and you have already wasted enough time looking over your shoulder.

If my commonsense cure doesn't do the trick, ask your doctor for a referral to a licensed psychotherapist for counseling because it appears you're mesmerized by the ghost of Christmas past.

DEAR ABBY: In April, my husband and I lost our daughter, Sophia, to complications from several birth defects. We received support from everyone we know, including some nice gifts, money for expenses, as well as cards and meals.

We have so many people to thank. We truly appreciate everything we have received, and when I see people in person I thank them. But I can't seem to bring myself to write thank-you cards.

Would someone expect a thank-you card for a gift to a parent who has just lost a child? I'm dreading the idea of going through the process of writing them. It brings back so many difficult memories. Does that make me ungrateful? I don't want to seem ungrateful, but the stress of having to write the thank-you cards is making me sick. -- GRIEVING MOTHER IN MISSOURI

DEAR GRIEVING MOTHER: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your baby girl. Please know that under the circumstances, all of your feelings are normal. However, the caring and generosity of those who reached out to you should be acknowledged.

Because you can't bring yourself to do this task yourself, enlist the help of close friends and family to help. The message doesn't have to be long and fancy. Keep it simple: "Thank you for reaching out to our family during this difficult time. Your kindness and generosity are much appreciated," should suffice. You should sign the cards. This will get the job done and free you from any sense of guilt or obligation you have for not having tackled the task sooner.

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to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)