DEAR ABBY: My family owns a golf course. One of the longtime members, a man I'll call "Jack," died suddenly. Another member took it upon himself to commission a watercolor of a golf scene and hang it in the pro shop in Jack's memory. The painting is tastefully done, matted and framed with a brass plaque stating, "In Memory of ..."

The problem is, it just appeared on the wall without getting permission. The deceased member's family saw it recently and had no idea it had been done or who did it. Apparently, the golf pro knew about it, but he left on vacation right after it was put up and never notified us. He quit as soon as he returned from vacation -- but he did identify the person who had the painting commissioned.

The fact that someone would think it appropriate to put a memorial in another's place of business strikes me as odd. We have had many members pass away, and there is no picture hanging in their memory. Jack donated time and money to the course, and a bridge has been dedicated in his memory and a sign erected at the bridge. However, other past members have contributed as much or more than Jack did, and there's nothing in their honor or memory.

Enough is enough. I think the best place for the picture is with Jack's widow. I believe she would appreciate the fact that a club member had the painting done in her husband's memory and would enjoy looking at it -- in her home. What do you think, Abby? -- STRIKES ME AS ODD

DEAR STRIKES ME AS ODD: Obviously Jack was well-liked, or a bridge would not have been dedicated in his memory. Although your family owns the club, you should realize that when members join your club -- if they like it and feel at home there -- they begin to feel some "ownership" in it.

While it may have been presumptuous for the person who commissioned the painting to have hung it in your pro shop without first asking for permission, I see it as a sentimental gesture, not someone trying to usurp your authority. However, because you are the owner (or one of them) and because you are offended, you should take it up with the person who ordered the painting.

DEAR ABBY: Given all your years of giving advice, what would you say is the main basic problem in society today? I think it's a lack of communication skills. Perhaps if we all just began speaking up, speaking plainly and with others' feelings in mind, many things would be easier. What do you think? -- TAB IN SWANSEA, ILL.

DEAR TAB: You have posed an interesting question. While I agree that if people of conscience were willing to speak their minds we would live in a less complicated world, there is no "one" basic problem in society today.

I receive more than 10,000 letters and e-mails a week from people pouring out not only their headaches, but their heartaches as well. Many of them are hoping to find quick and easy solutions to problems they've struggled with for years, while others don't expect an answer -- they write only to complain, unload or confess. Many of those who write to me are lonely and have no one to talk to. They know they can confide in me and that I will treat them with respect.

My mother used to describe herself as "an amateur wailing wall without portfolio." And I can attest to the fact that there are as many different kinds of problems as stones in the wailing wall.

Readers, what do you think society's greatest problem is today?

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a single parent of a 16-year-old son I'll call "Joel." His father has always been a part of his life. Abby, my son was once a polite, respectful, hard-working young man. But over the past year, he has changed radically.

Joel now thinks of no one but himself and his girlfriend. He makes promises to do whatever he thinks will get him what he wants. Then he cuts classes with his girlfriend, chews tobacco at school, refuses to do his homework, and lies about his progress reports and report cards.

If he doesn't get his way, he becomes very aggressive. He recently put his fist through a picture and the wall. There are two knuckle indentations in my front door that he put there. I take him to a counselor for his aggression, but it isn't working.

He is over 6 feet tall and weighs more than 200 pounds. He is the only male in my household. His father is having the same problems with him that I am. All he wants to do is spend time with his girlfriend. He will stay with whichever parent allows him to be with her or stay on the phone with her.

Joel was involved in baseball since the age of 5. He no longer cares to play. This was a sudden change of heart for him. I had him drug-tested without his knowledge. He was clean. I am at my wits' end. I am now on anti-depressants. I was never like that before he became so aggressive.

His father and I have discussed putting Joel in a teenage camp for juveniles. He's not a bad kid. I just don't know what to do anymore. Restrictions, no phone calls, no cell phone, no TV, not going out to eat, no seeing his girlfriend outside of school -- none of these things have worked. I've tried making him get a job, but he refuses. Please help me. -- NOWHERE TO TURN IN FLORIDA

DEAR NOWHERE TO TURN: Send your son away only as a last resort. It appears his hormones have kicked in, and if I had to make a wild guess, I'd say he's sleeping with the girlfriend.

Reasoning with him, punishing him and taking him to a counselor haven't worked, so be prepared to get tough. The next time he threatens you and destroys your property -- and that's what putting a fist through a wall is -- call the police and let them handle him.

There is a support group for parents of hard-to-handle children, and your son qualifies. The group is called BILY (Because I Love You). Contact it through its Web site, � HYPERLINK "http://www.bily.org" ��www.bily.org�, or at P.O. Box 2062, Winnetka, CA 91396, and tell them I sent you.

DEAR ABBY: I have many male friends whom I regard as "just friends." But from time to time, one of them sees me in a different light.

What's the best way to politely turn down a date and still maintain a guy's friendship? -- JUST FRIENDS IN HAWAII

DEAR JUST FRIENDS: The mistake many women make in telling men they are not romantically interested in them is soft-pedaling the message in an effort to be kind.

My male readers have told me that in the long run it's kinder -- and less a waste of everyone's time -- to say straight out, "I like you as a friend, but I don't want to date you." Or to put it another way, "I like and respect you, but the chemistry isn't there."

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Our 23-year-old son, "Jason," told me yesterday about a letter he had received from his grandmother. In it she complained that she's embarrassed by his having fathered a child out of wedlock and said the situation is "very difficult" for her. She is deeply religious, but known for her affinity for gossip.

Our younger son, "Connor," spent last summer in jail for stealing from us and possession of a controlled substance, but he did not receive a similar letter.

Although I would have preferred that Jason and his girlfriend had taken more time to build their relationship and marry before adding a baby to the family, they are very happy about the impending arrival, and he has purchased a beautiful ring. I don't think my mother-in-law's attempt to shame him into marriage would make a solid foundation for their relationship, nor does a guilt trip make a healthy honeymoon getaway.

My husband, in a rare flash of wisdom, suggested (but not to his mother) that if the situation is too "difficult" for her, perhaps she ought not talk about it.

Should I tell this woman that if she can't be supportive, she should keep a respectful distance? Or should I let Jason and his father deal with her? I am too upset by her behavior in general to separate this issue from her usual judgmental, self-righteous and gossipy nature, and would like never to speak to her again, but I'm sure that's not a constructive solution to the problem. Thank you for your insight. -- IRATE IN NEW YORK

DEAR IRATE: Let's view the situation from your mother-in-law's point of view for a moment. Being "deeply religious," it follows that she believes sex outside marriage is wrong, and the baby is "proof" that her grandson had sex -- unprotected, yet! -- with his girlfriend. Being the town gossip, she realizes that others are talking, and she feels it reflects somehow upon her. From a "contemporary" point of view, having a baby without being married is no longer the shock and disgrace that it was when your mother-in-law was a girl.

Because you are angry, it would be better to let your son and your husband tell her to calm down. And, specifically, your husband should share his "flash of wisdom" with his mother. The fact that your younger son did not receive a similar letter from his grandmother is a reflection of her skewed sense of priorities.

DEAR ABBY: I have a big problem. My sister keeps telling me not to use a lot of water because in the future my great-grandchildren are not going to have enough water. Now I feel like I should never have sex because I do not want my great-grandchildren to suffer.

Yeah, I know I am only 13, and I am already thinking about my children. Should I just forget it or never have children? Please, I need your help! -- WHAT ABOUT THE FUTURE, ROCKFORD, TENN.

DEAR WHAT ABOUT THE FUTURE: You may be only 13, but it is wonderful that you are already thinking about how to make the world a better place for your children. What you should NOT be obsessing about at your age is having sex.

How much more constructive it would be to focus your intellectual energies on discovering new ways to create potable drinking water. (We need more women in the sciences!) As to our natural resources in the meantime, use what you need, but don't be wasteful. Let your conscience be your guide.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)