DEAR ABBY: I would like to comment on the letter from "Polite Visitor in Missouri" (Aug. 25), the minister who asked about the etiquette involved in pastoral visiting. I have been a Lutheran pastor for 33 years. This topic should have been covered while the writer was in seminary, but perhaps "Polite" missed class that day.

A coffee hour/social hour is an impossible time to get to know people. "Polite" needs to understand that these visits are not social calls; they are part of his or her job, just like being a doctor, financial adviser, etc.

Allow me to offer a suggestion for "Polite": Invite members of the congregation to sign up if they're open to a visit. The visit does not have to be at their home. Meeting people for lunch at their workplace puts a time limit on it and allows the pastor to become aware of other aspects of their lives. -- JOHN BACKE, DENVER

DEAR JOHN: Thank you for the suggestion. My readers did not hesitate to offer chapter and verse on this subject, as you will see. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Although I don't completely disagree with the response you gave to the minister in Missouri, I want to tell you there are some nuances around being a pastor that factor into this decision.

Being a pastor is different from being a co-worker, friend or boss. When we arrive as a pastor of a church, we are almost immediately thought of as part of the family. We are called in times of crisis and celebration, and we come into people's homes when others aren't invited.

I recognize that not everyone will be comfortable inviting me into their home, but for those who would like to get to know me better (and allow me to get to know them), I prefer to visit with them one-on-one. That way, the first time I am called is not when they are in crisis, and there is a more relaxed atmosphere. For anyone else, I make myself available at my home or the church. -- GREGG SEALY, HOQUIAM, WASH.

DEAR ABBY: Our rabbi has started a sort of random "lucky winner" approach to meeting members of our temple. After the sermon, he will issue an invitation to "anyone born in the month of July" or "anyone wearing green today" -- or any number of other ways of selecting people at random. These people, who are bound to be different each week, are invited to join him following the service for a short meet, greet and chat. In this way, he can interact with small groups, and everyone gets to know each other. -- RIVKA L., ATLANTA

DEAR ABBY: My husband has been a pastor for several years. Moving to a new congregation is always difficult and getting acquainted can be daunting. His solution is to get a pictorial church directory, if one is available, and study the names and faces so he can match them correctly when he meets church members.

This has worked well in both small and large churches. Parishioners appreciate being recognized by name -- and sometimes invite both of us to dinner. -- K.A. REENTS, BLOOMINGTON, ILL.

DEAR ABBY: In the church where I belong, there are cards in the pews for people to fill out. The minister can then call on those who wish to meet, and nobody feels put upon. -- IDAHO ABBY FAN

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 22-year-old man, and I think I have found what I want to do with the rest of my life. There's just one thing: It's not the typical male career. I want to work in a beauty salon as a stylist.

What's holding me back is I'm afraid people will think I'm gay. I have nothing against gay folks, but I am strictly heterosexual.

I have always been told that I'm good-looking, and the fact that I am artistic will also be a plus. I think I could make a lot of money in this field.

Please advise me how to get over this hurdle. -- FUTURE HAIRSTYLIST? IN N.Y.

DEAR FUTURE HAIRSTYLIST?: You have chosen a fertile field of endeavor, one that provides opportunity, portability and the possibility of steady work. While it is true that there are many gay men in the field of hairdressing, there have been over the years some very successful -- and famous -- heterosexuals. Examples: Vidal Sassoon, Jon Peters, Jay Sebring, Gene Shacove and, more recently, Jonathan Antin, to name a few.

How you will be perceived should not be your primary consideration. You know who you are, and the fact that you are straight will get around. Speaking as someone who has spent many hours in beauty salons over the years, I can tell you firsthand that there are very few secrets.

DEAR ABBY: I am basically your average seventh-grader with divorced parents. My dad is about to get married again. I like my future stepmom, except for one thing. She never buckles her seat belt. She says it's uncomfortable, and she doesn't like it.

She recently moved here from Colombia, but that does not excuse her from obeying our laws. I don't know what to do. My dad tells her to buckle up, but she never does. What should I do? -- STRAPPED IN TIGHT

DEAR STRAPPED: Most adults hate being told they are wrong by a young person, so if I were you, I would use a light touch and two-pronged attack. The next time your father's fiancee refuses to buckle up, casually mention that the front passenger seat of an automobile is sometimes referred to as the "death seat" for a reason -- that people who have not fastened their seat belts have been known to go headfirst through the windshield. Then change the subject. (Example: "Oh! Did you see that cool red Corvette?")

Your father should also tell her privately that by refusing to buckle up, she's setting a poor example for his child.

DEAR ABBY: How do you stop someone from serving food you don't like? A woman I tutor was nice enough to make me a dish native to her country, and when she asked me if I liked it, I gave her a rave review (to spare her feelings). I really hated it, but now she thinks I love it, and she keeps making it for me.

How can I refuse without hurting her feelings? I don't want to continue to just accept it and have to throw it away. -- WASTING FOOD IN VIRGINIA

DEAR WASTING FOOD: Try this: "You were so kind to make it, and I thank you. But as much as I like it, it doesn't like ME -- so I cannot accept it."

It's as close to the truth as you can get without being offensive, and should successfully discourage her from making it in the future.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have enjoyed reading the occasional letters people write you about the acts of kindness they have experienced. I would like to share one that happened to me.

About a year ago my husband left me. Shortly afterward, I learned that he had embezzled funds from work, been fired from his job, and that our home was in foreclosure and the utility bills had not been paid.

I had been an agoraphobic housewife for years. In a panic for funds, I held a yard sale. That weekend I met quite a few of my neighbors and, in the course of the day, we shared stories of marriages gone wrong. I received many words of encouragement, even as I watched my beloved possessions carted away for a pittance. But the most amazing thing happened that day. A woman I'd never met before came back after the sale, handed me an envelope and left. Inside was $200. I cried like a baby.

Since then, I have overcome my agoraphobia, found a job and an apartment, and have begun the long process of rebuilding my life. I have no way to find that angel to thank her, but I'm hoping she reads this letter and knows that through her act of faith and love she helped me to achieve independence. You are, indeed, an angel, mystery woman! -- MS. B. FROM HORN LAKE, MISS.

DEAR MS. B.: The kind of empathy you described is usually demonstrated by someone who has experienced a similar kind of pain. Doing a good deed for someone in need can be an empowering act -- not only for the receiver but also for the doer. Sometime in the future, you will meet a person who needs a helping hand -- and when you do, you'll pass her good deed along and be a "guardian angel," too.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old girl from a loving family. My mom and I argue about only one thing -- my hair. Mom wants me to have short hair, but I want it long. I think I am old enough to decide how I want to wear my hair.

I have tried to compromise with her about it, but she won't listen. I take care of my hair by myself, so I don't understand. Please help me. -- CONFIDENT WITH LONG HAIR IN FREMONT, N.C.

DEAR CONFIDENT WITH LONG HAIR: At 16 you should be able to wear your hair as you wish, as long as it's clean and neat. I wish you had told me exactly what your mother's objection is to long hair. Could it be that she's afraid it will be too time-consuming to take care of?

If that's not the problem, then it may be this argument isn't really about hair at all. It's about her asserting control and your deferring to her wishes. If that's the case she's squandering her authority -- because a wise parent chooses her battles more carefully.

DEAR ABBY: With the holiday season fast approaching, my husband and I are wondering what does one give to the day-care provider who cares for our child during the work week? Should it be a monetary gift, or a personal gift for her? Your suggestions would be greatly appreciated. -- CURIOUS IN AUSTIN, TEXAS

DEAR CURIOUS: A nice card with money is always appropriate -- and that way your day-care provider can select something she would like or perhaps needs.

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