DEAR ABBY: This will be the fourth holiday season my boyfriend and I have shared together. We usually split Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations between our two families, although not equally.

I come from a large family that understands the need to "share" me with my boyfriend's family. My boyfriend comes from a small family; he is the only child. Last Christmas, he was allowed to visit with my family for only 20 minutes.

This Thanksgiving all six of my mother's siblings will be here with their families for the first time in five years. My uncle, who is in the Air Force and is being sent to the Middle East in December, will also be here. It is important to me that my boyfriend spend time with my family this Thanksgiving, but he always knuckles under to the guilt trip from his mother.

He says that until he graduates from college, he has to live by their rules, but I think their rules are unreasonable. We want only two or three hours with him. I don't think this is unreasonable. What do you think? -- WANTS TO SHARE

DEAR WANTS TO SHARE: I think your boyfriend's parents are in for a rude awakening once he graduates from college. But for now they have their son under their thumb, so accept it. A way around this might be for your parents to invite your boyfriend AND his parents to join you for Thanksgiving. For now, they are a package deal.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing about a new trend I have been seeing. It has become commonplace for parents to call their teenage children from the car at the curb when picking them up from a friend's house. I realize this saves time, but I am concerned that today's parents do not do the necessary "legwork" in meeting their children's friends and their friends' parents, checking to see if an adult will be on the premises and observing the general home situation that their child will be visiting.

I am amazed at parents who drop off their teens to spend the night and never bother to come to the door. I also see this tendency in the young people themselves. A young man came to pick up our teenage daughter for a date and called her from the car to say he was out front.

Am I old-fashioned, or is this an issue that should be addressed? -- CONSCIENTIOUS PARENT IN DENVER

DEAR CONSCIENTIOUS: No, you are not old-fashioned. The message you are sending makes common sense.

As to the young man who came to pick up your daughter, I hope she informed him that she wasn't going anywhere until he came to the door and met her parents. That's not "old-fashioned"; it's respectful and a display of good manners. And good manners never go out of style.

DEAR ABBY: I am in eighth grade and take band. My band teacher is very aggressive toward me and often yells at me in class. It's very embarrassing. He makes me so upset that sometimes I start to cry. I don't know how to handle this. I don't want to make him even angrier at me, but I don't think I can take his aggressiveness anymore. How can I stop this without quitting band? -- UPSET TRUMPET PLAYER IN NEW YORK

DEAR UPSET: Because your teacher appears to be losing his composure, you should tell your parents, and they should inform the school principal. Your band teacher may be in need of both professional and psychological counseling.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Call me nostalgic, but I miss receiving handwritten personal notes and letters in my daily mail. Has it finally gotten to the point where it's futile to reach into the mailbox looking for a handwritten letter from a friend or relative?

I'm talking about letters handwritten on stationery, in which thoughts and greetings are exchanged. Yes, they did take longer to arrive -- but I miss them!

Today's mailboxes are stuffed with circulars, ads, requests for donations from every conceivable charity or conservation organization, etc. But where is the simple handwritten note from a grandchild, son, daughter or distant nephew?

With the dominance of e-mail, we have lost touch with the elegance of personal contact. Too many inane e-mail messages are immediately forwarded to half a dozen people -- who forward them to another half-dozen people who aren't interested in receiving them in the first place. How impersonal can you get?

Wouldn't it be great to institute a Handwritten Letter Week? It would be one week a year during which we would forgo e-mail and sit with pen in hand to jot a few personal notes on stationery to friends and relatives across the country. Don't you agree? -- WALTER H., OKLAHOMA CITY

DEAR WALTER H.: Yes, I do. Although e-mail is here to stay, handwritten correspondence still has an important place in people's lives.

Each method of communication fills a need. E-mail is fast, cheap and easy. However, it can often also be terse and impersonal. Handwritten messages can be an art form, an elegant skill that expresses emotions. Some examples: love letters, letters of condolence, and thank-you notes for gifts or for having been entertained.

Many people forgo writing to others because they either don't know what to say or are afraid they will say the wrong thing. But anyone can write a letter by following a few basic rules. My booklet "How to Write Letters for All Occasions" contains not only the fundamentals, but also sample letters for almost every occasion. It can be ordered by sending a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus a check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to Dear Abby -- Letters Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

With the holiday season upon us, and people sending greeting cards through the end of the year, this is the perfect time to enclose a handwritten letter. While letter-writing may always be a chore to some people, there are occasions when the handwritten word is the most appropriate, sensitive and elegant means of communicating one's thoughts.

DEAR ABBY: I am 11 years old. What do you do if you have a friend you swore you'd tell everything to, but you have a secret you just "can't" tell him? -- SEDIKA IN DETROIT

DEAR SEDIKA: Honey, you stop making promises you can't keep!

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Muddled Mommy in Miami" (Sept. 21) really hit home. A child with Down syndrome had made an inappropriate remark to the writer's 4-year-old son.

I'm the mother of a daughter with Down syndrome. There have often been situations in which she has said or done something inappropriate to another child. I try to intervene when I know about it. I have her apologize to the child and the parent and try to make amends. Sometimes, it turns out that she was misunderstood because of poor speech and language skills.

By all means, Muddled Mommy should say something! This can be a teaching/learning moment for both her son and the other boy. Many children with developmental disabilities are mainstreamed with regular education children in school. Kids with Down syndrome need to be taught proper social skills so they can have a relationship with their peers.

If children with Down syndrome (or other disabilities) are taught to hold to acceptable societal standards, they can lead productive lives as adults. Isn't that what we want for all of our children? -- MOMMY IN WORTHINGTON, OHIO

DEAR MOMMY: Absolutely! It is the responsibility of parents to teach their children -- both abled and disabled -- acceptable behavior. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As the parent of a special-needs child, I have come to realize that learning needs to take place on both sides. The mother of the Down syndrome child should have been told about her son's comments so she could take corrective action. But "Muddled" should also have taken her son aside and explained about children with special needs and disabilities so he could learn tolerance and understanding. Four years old is not too young to start.

We also have younger twins, who, at an early age, asked why their older brother "acts the way he does." In the six years since then, they have grown to be more perceptive and understanding. They are more forgiving of their peers and willing to help those less fortunate -- "special" or not. They understand that there are many different types of people in this world, and I believe that knowledge will help make them more enlightened adults. -- CHARLES H., FREMONT, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I have been both a special education and a regular education teacher. By approaching the mother of the child who threatened her little boy, the writer could have alerted the mother to inappropriate behaviors that may be preventing her child from having positive peer interactions.

Often children with disabilities repeat what they have heard others say. If the child truly meant what he said about "kicking his butt," then the mother should raise those issues with his teachers and therapists. -- SPECIAL ED TEACHER IN NEVADA

DEAR ABBY: As a parent of a child with Down syndrome, I believe it's important that my daughter be treated like any other child. That includes knowing when she misbehaves. Having an extra chromosome doesn't give her a free pass. My expectations for her do not differ from my other children. Standards should not be lowered because she is differently abled.

What that boy said was inappropriate. Perhaps he heard it at school or from a sibling. Either way, his mother should have been immediately made aware of it. Your advice was right on the money. -- P.W., BIG RAPIDS, MICH.

DEAR ABBY: I've worked with people with disabilities for 15 years. They have difficulty learning social skills. Sometimes they learn a phrase and repeat it over and over without realizing its impact. What the child said might have been a defense mechanism to keep others from picking on him. In any case, others should not ignore inappropriate behavior just because the person appears to have a mental disability. -- AMY IN KANSAS CITY

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)