Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: As you know, when students are in their last year of high school, their minds start wandering to other places -- college, careers, marriage, etc. But my daughter is the complete opposite. All she wants to do is party and have fun.

When I approach her about the importance of planning her future -- things like college and work -- she tells me to "take a chill pill" and refuses to listen.

I want the best for my daughter. I'm a single parent and am afraid she won't get the education she deserves. She was a very bright student. She was on her way to being valedictorian until she took a turn for the worse. I have tried everything. I even scheduled a meeting with her school guidance counselor. My daughter never showed up. What can I do? -- SCARED PARENT IN PUERTO RICO

DEAR SCARED PARENT: Girls on their way to be(coming) class valedictorian don't normally take the kind of nosedive your daughter has. The first thing you should do is screen her for drugs. If she tests positive, get her into rehab. This will effectively remove her from the "party scene."

If the results are negative, sit your party girl down and inform her that the party is over. The time to start planning her independent future is here and now, and unless she wants to face the job market with only a high school degree she needs to make plans to complete her education.

And, dear parent, if that girl prescribes one more "chill pill" for you, show her in no uncertain terms what life will be like trying to build a secure future while earning minimum wage. After that, what happens will be up to her.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 15-year-old high school student with a big problem. My boyfriend of two months, "Justin," gave up smoking for me. We made an agreement that if he started again, I would dump him.

Now he's asking my permission to start again. I don't want Justin to smoke, but he tells me that smoking is "a part of him," although he wants me to be happy and knows I am against it.

I really like Justin and love being around him. But if he smokes I know it will cause a lot of problems with us. Please help me, Abby, because I'm not sure how long I can take this. -- ANTI-SMOKING IN ST. PAUL

DEAR ANTI-SMOKING: My experts tell me that smoking is both treacherous and addictive. The earlier a person starts, the harder it is to quit because the need for the nicotine becomes hard-wired into the brain. I have never heard anyone say that smoking improved his or her health, although I have heard more than one person say that it shortened their lives.

If you truly care about Justin, you will stand your ground and remind him that you have an agreement, and in order to have you for a girlfriend, he will have to hold up his end. Believe me, you'll be doing him a favor.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 13 and have a problem. My mom's stepdad just passed away. My problem is I'm not sad. I mean, I knew him well enough -- but I'm not SAD. My mom cried, but I didn't. Is there something wrong with me? -- PROBLEM IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR P.I.P.: There is nothing wrong with you. Every person grieves in his or her own way. It's possible that your mother's stepdad occupied a larger place in her life than he did in yours. Therefore, the empty space his passing has left is greater for her than for you. You're normal, so stop worrying.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a special cake recipe that I have perfected over the years. I get compliments on it and requests for the recipe every time I take one to any non-family gathering.

People often ask me to make these cakes for them for special occasions. I always tell them that I will need to charge them for it because the ingredients are expensive. No one has a problem with paying me.

I love to cook, and it gives me pleasure to see people enjoy something I have prepared. However, because I use my special recipe as another source of income -- albeit a small one -- what can I say to those people who demand that they must have the recipe?

I usually evade the question by ignoring them, which I know is rude, but I don't know how to tell them "no" without seeming offensive and snobbish. Please help. -- FRUSTRATED COOK

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Saying no nicely shouldn't be difficult if you say it with a smile. One way would be to say, "I'm sorry -- I don't share this recipe because it's a way I can earn extra money." That's not rude; it's the truth. Another smiling response might be, "Coca-Cola isn't giving away its recipe, and neither am I!"

DEAR ABBY: I go to church with a woman who is generous and means well, but she likes to give away her old hand-me-down clothing. Recently she gave me two old dresses that fit me, but I wouldn't be caught dead in. I'm 15, and she doesn't understand that.

I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so when she asked if they fit and if I liked them, I told her they did and they were pretty.

My mom is planning to donate the dresses to charity. But now the woman is saying she wants to give me more of her old dresses. I don't know how to handle this. -- SECONDHAND TEEN

DEAR SECONDHAND TEEN: Your neighbor is both kind-hearted and generous. She also appears to be into recycling, which is a good thing.

Before you turn your nose up at what she is offering, please consider that vintage clothing can be valuable. Some of it is "classic" and can be worn regardless of what the current fad may be. Members of the Hollywood crowd, as well as fashionable members of New York society, already know this. I often see their photos in magazines wearing some of the marvelous items they have collected.

However, if your neighbor's dresses are really not your style, then you should be honest and graciously tell your neighbor that they're not for you.

DEAR ABBY: When you're at a restaurant, after you have made your selection from the menu, what should you do with it? Do you place it closed directly in front of you, or place it hanging halfway off the table? -- CONFUSED IN DENVER

DEAR CONFUSED: If the server has not yet taken my order, I close the menu and place it beside me on the table. (The closed menu signals to the server that I have made my choice.) After my order is taken, I hand the menu to the server.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: While my daughter and I were at the supermarket, we ran into Santa at the deli! You can't imagine my daughter's surprise -- not to mention my own.

There he was, with his perfect bowling ball head and full white beard. He had a jolly big belly, rosy cheeks, even small square wire-framed glasses. He wasn't dressed in his traditional holiday outfit; he was casually dressed.

My daughter, who is 9, had started having serious doubts about Santa last year, but she sure does believe now. She ran up to him and said, "I knew it! I knew you were real! Where's your sleigh? Where's your reindeer?"

The man winked at me, looked down at my daughter and said, "Sweetheart, they're at the North Pole. I'm in the area checking things out before Christmas." Then he asked her if she had been a good girl. When she said yes, he advised her to write him a letter. It was wonderful.

I know some people don't believe, and I know some feel it is technically lying to children, and not everyone shares the same religious beliefs. I respect their right to celebrate the holidays in their own way.

I grew up poor. I knew when Christmas morning came it would be no different than the year before on Christmas Day -- there would be nothing. I missed out on so many wonderful things in my childhood.

Like many parents, I want my kids to have the childhood I didn't have. I studied hard, got a good education, met a wonderful man and married. We have two beautiful daughters, 9 and 11. We're not rich, but we're comfortable and don't want for much.

Every Christmas, my children and I go to the local mall and visit the Orphan Tree. Each of them chooses an orphan and buys him or her whatever is on his/her list. I explained when they were younger that sometimes even Santa needs a helping hand. I also point out how fortunate they are -- and when you are fortunate, you must give something back.

To you and your readers: Whether you choose to believe or not -- I wish you happy holidays. -- STILL A BELIEVER IN OHIO

DEAR STILL A BELIEVER: It is a wise parent who not only enjoys the holiday season, but also uses it as a teachable moment to show children the true spirit of giving to others. Happy holidays to you, too -- and to my readers as well.

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Phil" books an annual trip every year for a closely knit group of 12 friends. We pay him by check and eventually receive flight schedules, hotel reservations, etc.

We have recently learned that Phil receives about $500 a year in perks and credit card points for booking these trips. He never mentioned it to any of us. Instead, he makes believe that we're indebted to him for his service.

Isn't it customary and ethical to redistribute such money to everyone in one form or another? Should we confront him about this? -- COUSIN ROB IN NEW YORK

DEAR COUSIN ROB: I see no reason to confront Phil. Nor do I see why he should compensate you and the others for any money he received for doing all the work of arranging the trips. The arrangement you have described is not uncommon.

However, if you and the others feel cheated because Phil was compensated for something you assumed he was doing for nothing -- then each of you should take turns making the travel plans so the perks and airline points are automatically divided among you. (When you do, you may find that Phil worked hard for the money.)

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)