DEAR ABBY: We have a large collection of 18th- and 19th-century antiques, mostly inherited. It consists of furniture, silver, china, Oriental rugs and artwork. Our son professes an interest when asked, but recently threw out a very good (but not antique) rug we had given him. He replaced it with a rug from IKEA.

His wife is a sweet woman, but does not care at all about possessions. Their house is chaos -- a big way station. Because these possessions are family items going back generations, I'm floored by his not understanding the significance and the good fortune of having them. How should I approach this? -- ROBERT IN ATLANTA

DEAR ROBERT: Talk to your son, but above all, do not be defensive. His and your daughter-in-law's inability to appreciate the value of the heirlooms isn't a personal rejection. Forgive me if this seems blasphemous, but some people consider antiques to be simply used furniture. And they don't want the responsibility of polishing silver or having to worry about breaking a dish.

Because your son's lifestyle is so different from your own, please give serious consideration to donating your heirlooms to a museum or selling them to someone who will appreciate their value. The proceeds could be placed in trust for the next generation of your family, and you will have peace of mind knowing your heirlooms will be preserved.

DEAR ABBY: I'm the only African-American at my job. I work in a small office. I enjoy my job and get along with everyone -- including the individual I have issues with. I'll call him "Rick." Rick thinks it's comical to always talk to me with what I'll refer to as "homeboy slang."

When another co-worker asked about my plans for the holidays, Rick chimed in and said, "Y'all know she ain't 'bout to tell y'all her business." Abby, I don't talk like that, and I was offended by his statement. Some co-workers laughed while others said they agreed he was being rude.

I usually ignore him, but I can't do that any longer. I deal with ignorance all the time, but it's embarrassing at my workplace. How can I put Rick in his place without blowing my top? -- HAD IT IN NORTH BERGEN, N.J.

DEAR HAD IT: The ideal time to have spoken up was the first time your co-worker pulled that nonsense. Take Rick aside and tell him privately that he embarrassed you and that the connotation is racist. If the man has any manners or common sense at all, he will apologize. But whether he does or not, make clear that the next time it happens you'll complain to the boss. His behavior is over the line and not funny.

DEAR ABBY: Something has bothered me for a long time, and I'm wondering if it's just me.

My women friends and I will walk into a restaurant and the waiter or waitress will come up and say, "What can I do for you guys?" or, "What would you guys like?" Then, after we've started eating, the person will return and ask, "How are you guys doing?"

Abby, I'm not a guy. I'm a lady. Why can't these people simply ask, "How are you today?" What do you think? Am I too sensitive? -- DISGRUNTLED IN LOMPOC, CALIF.

DEAR DISGRUNTLED: You are being addressed that way because the server was not taught differently. Also, your server may be quite young and using the most casual form of English. Are you too sensitive? If you're letting it ruin your meal, yes, I think so.

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DEAR ABBY: My son is a police officer in the same town where I work (population 6,000). Over the last five years, I have been confronted by co-workers who have been cited by him. I have tried many responses, but the hits keep coming.

I have told them that when he does his job, it has nothing to do with me. I have tried reminding them that he has a boss they can file a complaint with. I have tried joking, and I have gotten upset.

Last week, things got worse. My supervisor was pulled over by another officer from the same department. She was cited for multiple infractions and her vehicle was towed. She proceeded to call me at home and tell me to deliver a message to my son that all the officers in that department are "@#!*@!" Of all people, she knows how hard it has been for me. Abby, I was shocked.

I have to work with this woman in the same classroom every day. (Yes, she's a teacher.) Please tell me how to handle this. -- TRAPPED IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TRAPPED: If she's treating you differently in the classroom, you will have to have a talk with her about it because it could affect your career. And I am sure she'd prefer that you not be forced to take this matter to the principal of the school.

Your supervisor's car may have been towed because she was so smashed she couldn't make it safely home. When people have overindulged, they often become overly emotional and show poor judgment -- which is the condition the woman appears to have been in when she called you. It is entirely possible that she no longer remembers anything about that conversation.

It appears your son and his cohorts are doing their job conscientiously and effectively. Please don't allow those they have ticketed to intimidate you. They have no one to blame but themselves for their predicament.

DEAR ABBY: It's snowbird time again in the Sunbelt. After a long hot summer, our family looks forward to these mild winter days. That is, except for the inevitable arrival of the "Snowbirds." I'm avoiding the temptation to use their real names.

These two "birds" don't fly in with just a suitcase and a few things on hangers. They arrive complete with a 40-foot motor home and an excitable cocker spaniel with a serious incontinence problem.

These people know my husband and I have full-time jobs and four children who are all involved in after-school activities. We have neither the time, the legal parking space nor the desire to have them here.

This is especially hard for me to swallow because while I was growing up, these relatives never once sent me a birthday or Christmas card, never came to any of my recitals or my high school graduation, nor did they respond to the invitation to my wedding.

What can I do with these people? (Please don't suggest murder -- we've considered it.) But we think our chances of getting a jury of 12 snowbird hosts are slim. -- ANNUALLY AGITATED IN ARIZONA

DEAR AGITATED: I have an easier solution. When the Snowbirds call to tell you they're coming, inform them that you won't be hosting them this year -- and pass along the address of the nearest RV park. You are under no obligation to host anyone who isn't welcome, and you have already been taken advantage of enough.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: We have out-of-state friends who have two daughters, ages 10 and 11. More than once I have seen the mother give her girls sips of her wine -- even hard liquor -- when she is drinking. We do not allow our children to do this. We have discussed drinking in moderation with them, but only when they are of legal age.

My problem is, this friend and her family will soon be coming here to visit. She has now informed me that she'll be bringing a bottle of wine for her girls to drink. When I asked her not to because I'm not comfortable with it and my kids aren't allowed to do so, she started arguing that mine don't have to. Then she said that she wouldn't bring a bottle for her girls, but would let them have some of hers. She argues that this is common in Europe.

This situation has me uncomfortable. Am I being unreasonable? -- OLD-FASHIONED IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: Unless your friend and her family LIVE in Europe, please wake up to the fact that she is trying to rationalize her own alcohol problem. While some parents allow children an occasional sip of whatever they (the parents) are drinking, they do NOT bring along an extra bottle "for their children"!

This indicates to me that the girls are doing a lot more than "sipping." What you have described is a family in serious need of an intervention, because your friend's behavior is child endangerment. She's jeopardizing her children's health. My advice is to tell her you would prefer no alcohol in your house -- period. I'm betting it will cause her to cancel her plans to visit.

DEAR ABBY: I have a close friend, "Dee," who is more than 50 pounds overweight. She wears the trendiest clothes, styles her hair and makeup to perfection, and has oodles of male friends she'd love to be more than friends with, but has never been in a serious relationship.

When we go out with her male friends, they shower me with compliments and attention. I'm friendly, but never flirt with them. It makes me uncomfortable that Dee -- who I'm constantly trying to shift attention to by mentioning the "funny thing she did at work today," or a compliment that she received at work, etc. -- is obviously unhappy.

I love spending time with her, but feel like if I'm there she'll get less attention and lessen her chances of finding a significant other. Dee has a wonderful personality and is one of the nicest people I know. I really want to see her happy.

I have even resorted to lying to her about men looking at her in a bar or fabricating compliments that I say I overheard a male friend say about her. It visually changes her mood for the better, but I feel awful for making it up. I'm becoming exhausted trying not to show interest in her friends, "dressing down" when we go out so as not to attract attention, and lying to her to make it all better. What can I do besides avoid her altogether? -- "DEE"-VOTED FRIEND IN D.C.

DEAR FRIEND: The first thing you must do is stop lying to her. Every time you do, you raise her hopes that the person you have invented will show an interest, which of course can never happen.

The second is to have a loving and truthful discussion with her about how much you care about her and about her weight because it affects not only her social life, but it could also affect her health. Sometimes it takes a loving friend to direct our attention to something we would rather ignore, and it appears in this case, that person is you.

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