DEAR ABBY: I completely agree with your reply to "Sorry No Vacancy" (Nov. 2), advising the writer to stand her ground regarding the vacation house. It appears she was raised in a household with brothers who were used to bossing their sister around, and a mother who allowed the boys to do it.

They had their chance to work on the house, but lacked the vision and work ethic their sister had. They sold her their share and contributed nothing to the final result. They have no right to now claim ownership privileges. If the mother thinks her sons need a second home to vacation in, she should pass out keys to her own house.

As you may have guessed, I grew up in a home where boys were more valued than girls, and I remember how hard it was to strive for equal respect. -- KATHRYN B., BETHEL, ARK.

DEAR KATHRYN: Many readers had the same reaction as yours: The problem is the brothers' greed, and the "key" to her dilemma should be to remove the welcome mat. "Sorry" should enjoy her vacation home because she deserves to. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Sorry's" situation reminded me of the story of "The Little Red Hen," in which the cat, dog and mouse slept all day while the little red hen planted, sowed, watered and milled the grain. Then when the bread was baked, the dog, cat and mouse all wanted to "help" eat it. The little red hen wouldn't give them one bite because she had done all the work.

Those jealous brothers need to back off and let their sister have her house. I wouldn't even invite them for a picnic. Perhaps then they'd learn their lesson like the animals in that famous children's story.

Stick to your guns, girl! -- HOPING YOU DO IN WASHINGTON

DEAR ABBY: I am a retired banker and have dealt with a number of family situations similar to the one in "Sorry's" letter. Her brothers are deadbeats. They are more than happy to enjoy the benefits of the completed project, but were nowhere to be found when the planning, expense and work were being done.

"Sorry" has tried to handle this correctly from the beginning. Each brother was given the opportunity of equal ownership. They all opted to take the money and run.

What "Sorry" should do now is what she did in the beginning: have the property appraised in its improved condition, then offer to let each brother buy -- at current market value -- an equal position or buy the property in full.

By the way, I have never seen one deadbeat pay up. These guys ran the first time, and they'll run again. People like them always do. -- BOB B., DESTIN, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: Years ago, our family cottage passed on to the second generation. It was rundown and needed costly repairs and renovations. My husband and I lived closest to it; consequently, we won the "work lottery."

I made my brothers an offer through an attorney: "I'll pay each of you your fair share of the assessed value of the cottage, and you will always be welcome for overnight visits." Everyone agreed, and my checks were sent out. It has been a grand open house ever since -- reunions, parties, etc. Twenty years have passed, generations of relatives still come and go, and I couldn't be happier. -- VISITORS WELCOME IN WISCONSIN

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DEAR ABBY: I have two adult sons living at home, ages 22 and 24. Both are working. I have recently retired, and my income has become half of what it was before. I told my sons that if they are to continue living here, they must pay room and board of $30 a week or find a place to live with the amenities they have here.

They are now ranting and raving and calling me a bad mother. Am I being unreasonable? I feel I have provided my sons with a good life, and it is now time for them to take some responsibility for their own support. It's time to grow up. Am I wrong?

My oldest son says he refuses to help me pay my mortgage! I told him to either pay the $120 a month or try to find a cheaper place to live. Any thoughts on this? -- STRESSED-OUT MOM, LAKE VIEW, N.Y.

DEAR STRESSED OUT: You're making perfect sense to me. If your older boy was not centered so much on himself and his wants (notice, I didn't say "needs"), he would realize that you have made him a generous offer.

Because of your diminished income, of COURSE there is no question that your sons should contribute to the household expenses. It's possible they won't realize what a good deal they've been having until they try to match it in the real world. Stand your ground, Mom, and don't take any back talk.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married four years. During that time we have had three children. Our youngest was born three months ago with various medical problems including heart defects, enlarged kidneys, hearing problems and Down syndrome.

To top it off, I have recently been diagnosed with cancer. I start radiation and chemo next month. I am stressed to say the least, and being intimate with my husband right now is at the bottom of my list of things I need to do.

My husband is having a problem understanding why I am not interested in sex. He takes it personally when I don't accept his advances. I love him very much, and I'm grateful for everything he does for me and the kids, but right now I have no interest in sex. How can I get through to him without hurting his feelings? And how do I stop the advances so I don't feel so guilty? -- STRESSED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR STRESSED: Excuse me? You've had three children in four years, you're caring for a newborn with physical and developmental disabilities and you're beginning treatment for a life-threatening illness. Frankly, I'm surprised you are still standing.

If necessary, drag your spouse to your OB/GYN, your pediatrician and your oncologist. Your husband may be the father of three, but he needs to learn the facts of life -- the first of which is that right now, you are physically and emotionally distracted and unable to perform as he would wish.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I recently attended a lovely party at a home with two baby grand pianos. One of the guests -- I'll call her "Sophie" -- is an accomplished pianist, and she dearly wanted to sit down and play.

We encouraged her but she refused, stating that the host and hostess might not appreciate having their party interrupted. Should Sophie have asked permission, or would that have created undue pressure on the hostess? -- DAVID IN CUPERTINO, CALIF.

DEAR DAVID: It depends on the hosts. Some would welcome it; others might not. Sophie was correct to refrain from playing the piano without being asked to. It could have, indeed, been disruptive. And if either (or both) of the hosts is a serious musician, many musicians prefer that their instruments not be played by someone else.

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DEAR ABBY: The standard form of greeting in the West is a handshake. But this can lead to transmission of germs.

Being from India, I use the standard form of Indian greeting by holding my palms together, which is very hygienic. (By the way, many South Asian countries have the same custom of greeting.)

You might consider passing the word along because I'm sure your readers could understand the benefit of such a gesture -- particularly during the cold and flu season. -- SUNITHA IN KUWAIT

DEAR SUNITHA: I'm pleased to pass the word along. Your practical suggestion is a good one and something I have used myself. All you do is place your palms together, thumbs up at chest height. The friendly message it sends is clear when it's done with a smile.

DEAR ABBY: I recently landed a dream job as a nanny for a wealthy family. When I say "wealthy," it's probably an understatement. These people have a big-screen theater in their home, a personal trainer over here four times a week, matching Lexus SUVs, gadgets galore and the biggest refrigerator I have ever seen -- not to mention the countless other real estate properties they have in California, Aspen and New York.

Coming from a more consumer-conscious background, I grew up recycling and shopping at thrift stores. I use alternate forms of transportation and refuse to "keep up with the Joneses."

How do I get this family, especially the children, to recycle, donate and think globally (i.e. sweatshops and child labor) without coming off as preachy? They are nice people, but these things have never been a part of their universe. -- RECYCLIN' IN COLORADO

DEAR RECYCLIN': Your employers appear to be comfortably ensconced in their lifestyle bubble, which is an alternate reality from most of ours. However, you can positively influence the thinking of their children, and the most effective way to do it is to teach them by example.

DEAR ABBY: I discovered a video camera recording me on the toilet in my brother-in-law's bathroom. When I confronted him, he said he was trying to photograph his wife and he had "forgotten" that my four children and I were coming over. Even though the tape had been recording for an hour before his wife was due home from work, I couldn't "prove" anything, so I let it go.

More recently I have learned he's been asking a close friend of ours some very personal questions, and asking for pictures of her various body parts.

My husband doesn't want to hurt his sister and has asked me not to say anything. So now I have to have the creep over at our house for family get-togethers and pretend I like him so she doesn't ask questions. Also, my children want to sleep over at their house, and I have to keep making up excuses. What do I do? -- GOING CRAZY IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR GOING CRAZY: Your mistake -- and your husband's -- was in keeping this from your sister-in-law because it is not just her husband's problem; it is also hers. Your brother-in-law's fetish is creepy, possibly illegal and a huge invasion of privacy. Your children should not visit their home unless closely supervised by you or their father. Their safety is more important than your sister-in-law's "feelings." So speak up!

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