DEAR ABBY: Our divorced daughter has been dating "Brian," a man she met online, for a little over a year. My husband and I are concerned about the behavior of our 13-year-old granddaughter, "Lolita," toward him. Lolita is naive in many ways and unaware of the pitfalls she may encounter. She's constantly sitting on Brian's lap, hugging him, or talking to him in very close proximity.

We feel that our daughter should have a talk with Lolita and explain that a "young woman" who is rapidly developing should not act this way with a man who is not her father. Failing that, we feel that, as the adult, Brian should discourage it -- which we haven't seen him do.

On a trip to the beach a few months ago, their "play" in the ocean looked more like a couple than a girl with a potential stepdad.

Our daughter also has an 8-year-old girl to whom Brian does not show the same kind of attention. I don't want to make unwarranted accusations about something that may be entirely innocent. It could seriously jeopardize our relationship with our daughter. Do we have a valid concern, or are we just two Puritanical old fogies? -- FEELING UNEASY IN FLORIDA

DEAR FEELING UNEASY: It would be interesting to know how involved in your granddaughters' lives their father has been. If the answer is "Not very," then it's possible that Lolita is trying to elicit from Brian the kind of affection she has craved from her dad. She may not realize that boundaries are being crossed unless it's explained to her. Because what you saw aroused your concern, you should certainly mention it to your daughter, and urge her to have "that talk" with Lolita.

It concerns me that Brian does not treat both of your granddaughters equally. He may be flattered by the attention he receives from Lolita. Or, he could be flirting with her with an eye to molesting her. Not knowing Brian or his background, I can't predict what might or might not happen. Has it occurred to you to Google him or check the state sex offender Web site? If you haven't, your daughter should.

DEAR ABBY: I have a feeling that my girlfriend of one year, "Wanda," may be trying to manipulate our relationship in a way that I don't get to spend time with my friends, my ex and our kids. When I try to spend time with them, Wanda either gets sick or some terrible situation happens.

She has told me many times that she is a jealous person. I have backed off spending time with all the other people in my life, and now she's hanging out with her girlfriends, saying that because I work nights -- and she works days -- that she "can't just sit at home." She also says that when I'm off I should want to spend all my free time with her.

I was thinking about asking her to marry me, but now I feel cold feet approaching. What should I do? -- BEEN HERE BEFORE IN MISSOURI

DEAR BEEN HERE BEFORE: You appear to be a young man with good sense -- including your sixth. Jealousy and an attempt to manipulate are often signs of insecurity. Trying to quell your girlfriend's insecurity by isolating yourself won't make her less jealous because jealousy and insecurity are insatiable. Unless your girlfriend is willing to accept that she has a problem and get some counseling, my advice is to pay attention to those cold feet and keep walking.

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DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Considering It in San Mateo" (Nov. 26), who asked you if it was permissible to have an affair because his wife of 34 years no longer wanted to have sex, was good, but you missed a couple of important points.

How is that man's hygiene? Does he bathe every day? Is he kind, loving and considerate of his wife during the day? Are her hormones imbalanced? Is she depressed or anemic?

Before "Considering It" goes jumping at another opportunity, he might want to consider showing affection and concern to the woman who has been with him for so long. -- BETSY IN HOUSTON

DEAR BETSY: Some readers scolded me for my response to that letter, not realizing that part of my reply was tongue-in-cheek. (No, I do NOT advocate adultery.) Others felt I didn't go far enough in my reply. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Has "Considering It" done anything to ensure that his wife is well both physically and mentally? Could her lack of interest in sex be linked to depression, post-menopausal hormone imbalance or another physical condition?

In a loving way he should urge her to see her physician and her gynecologist. If she refuses, he should contact them and ask for advice or help. He should also take a long, hard look at how he presents himself.

Finally, he might speak with a counselor, because lack of sexual activity can signal problems elsewhere in their relationship. Marriages take work -- even those that have lasted 34 years. -- SUSAN IN NEW WINDSOR, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: I am a nurse-practitioner, and for years I have heard women in their 40s and 50s complain about loss of libido. In our area, a group of gynecologists has begun offering bioidentical hormone replacement. This term refers to hormones that are exactly the same in structure and function as those produced by the human body.

My husband had also quoted the article regarding "having regular sex would improve your health." Do these men really think we are happy with symptoms like hot flashes, fatigue, weight gain, etc.? When I started experiencing symptoms similar to your reader's wife, I decided to see for myself. It has been several months since I started bioidentical hormone treatment, and things have improved considerably. -- SMILING IN MIDDLETOWN, DEL.

DEAR ABBY: The writer's wife may have a medical condition such as high cholesterol or high blood pressure, requiring medication that decreases libido. She could be depressed, which affects interest in sex. Menopause can also cause significantly reduced sex drive. Some hormone replacement medicines may help with this. These conditions can be evaluated and treated by her doctor or OB/GYN.

The man should also evaluate the way he treats his wife. Men often remind their wives that they desire sex, but forget that women need romance and stimulation. Perhaps he should try a different approach?

Before stepping out of the marriage, with or without her permission, he should consider these possibilities. Infidelity is destructive for the family and personal psyche. -- NURSE-PRACTITIONER, NEWBERRY, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: There are some great medications on the market for women with low or no libido. My husband suggested it to me -- very nicely -- and I promised to check it out. I did, and, oh my goodness, we're acting like teenagers again! -- ONE HOT OLD LADY, AND I DON'T MEAN HOT FLASHES, GLENDALE, ARIZ.

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DEAR ABBY: I have four beautiful children. I have tried to raise them to appreciate the importance of family and understand that love is the most important thing of all.

My problem is my youngest daughter, "Samantha," who is 24. She's divorced with two boys, ages 5 and 15 months. She lives at home with me and my husband, which is not an issue. What does bother me is that she flies off the handle and yells and screams about anything and everything. She doesn't get that trait from me. She learned it from her father.

I know my daughter loves her children, but she is showing less and less patience with them. I have tried to help her overcome this problem, but so far nothing has worked. She is hollering more than ever. I think she functions better when she is working full time, rather than being a stay-at-home mom.

My husband and I worry about Samantha and the kids, but we would also like to have more harmony, peace and quiet around here. I realize that counseling might help her, but we can't afford it. Have you any other options? -- NEVADA MOM AND GRANDMA

DEAR NEVADA MOM: While it may be unrealistic for you to expect peace and quiet in a household with two active boys under the age of 6, your daughter is only fueling the fire by losing control and yelling and screaming.

Children learn by example, and my concern is that she may be perpetuating the same destructive habits she learned from her father and teaching her sons unacceptable behavior.

Your daughter may be frustrated because she feels trapped in her role as a stay-at-home mother and could possibly benefit by allowing herself some time for herself. As I say in my booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," "Having one's freedom of movement restricted, or feeling 'tied down,' often makes one angry." The first step in dealing with one's anger is to recognize that you are getting angry BEFORE you lose control and express the anger inappropriately.

My anger booklet can be ordered by sending a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. If your daughter is willing to read my booklet, it should give her some helpful insight into the cause of her anger and some tools for coping with it.

DEAR ABBY: We are throwing our dad a surprise party for his 60th birthday. Instead of gifts for our dad, my sisters and I would like to have the gifts go to charity. How would we word that on the invitations? -- MARGARET IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR MARGARET: Include in the invitation a note that says: "The gift of your presence will be present enough for Dad. However, if you feel you must give something, then a donation to ( ) in his honor would be appreciated."