DEAR ABBY: I have waited 36 years to marry. Most would say I was the quintessential bachelor. When I was younger, I never thought I'd date anyone with a child. I didn't want to deal with the "baggage" I thought came with dating a single mother.

Needless to say, I have been dating a delightful woman who has a 4-year-old son with whom I get along great. We've dated for a year and a half, I love her, and it's time I propose.

The three of us are a little team, and I'm wondering, when I ask her to marry me, should I involve her son and buy something for him -- and if so, what? I was thinking of a custom-made charm for a chain (remember, he's only 4). I would like it to be something he can keep with him the rest of his life. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. -- BACHELOR IN DOVER, N.H.

DEAR BACHELOR: Your sentiments are endearing. Because you are a "team," it would be wonderful to involve the child in the proposal. You might include him in the "surprise" for his mother, or even propose becoming a family to both of them.

However, at 4, the boy is too young to entrust with a piece of expensive jewelry -- and by the time he would be old enough to wear and appreciate it, a charm might not be in fashion, so I don't recommend it. The promise of your love and support is gift enough.

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Yvonne," has been struggling with a painful issue most of her adult life. Her parents show no interest in her. This has been the case since she was young. Yvonne has continually reached out to them without success. Her mother calls maybe once a year and never sends anything for her birthday or Christmas. Her father is pretty much nonexistent.

This has been affecting my wife more and more as she gets older. She's 29 and a wonderful mother and wife, but every time she sees a mother and daughter spending time together on TV or in public, it makes her very sad. She always comments that she wishes she was like that with her mother. I have tried to console her the best I can, but it doesn't help much. What can I do to help her overcome this? -- HURTS FOR MY WIFE IN WARREN, MICH.

DEAR HURTS FOR MY WIFE: It appears you're doing all you can, but filling this hole in your wife's heart is more than a "civilian" can accomplish. She may need the help of a psychologist in order to repair the damage caused by her parents' neglect. Please suggest it to her because your wife may be more resilient than she thinks. I say this because she has been able to be an effective mother even though she had a poor role model to follow.

DEAR ABBY: I just found out that my mother has become engaged. I don't have a problem with it except for the fact that her fiance, "Harry," is younger than my brothers and me.

My father has passed away, and I do not intend to call Harry anything other than his first name. When I refer to him in conversation, should I call him my stepfather or my mother's husband? -- "STEPCHILD" IN VIRGINIA

DEAR "STEPCHILD": You are all adults. Therefore I see nothing disrespectful in referring to Harry as your mother's husband. That's what he will be.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

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DEAR ABBY: My husband is 56. His daughter, "Loreen," from his first marriage is 35. At times when he gives her a hug (as she's leaving from a visit) he will slap her on the butt. This makes me uncomfortable because it seems inappropriate at her age. I have told him how this makes me feel; he says it's something he has always done with both of his children. (He also has a son.)

I guess I could see it as a playful gesture when they were kids, but at this point I don't think so. It reminds me of the kind of intimacy demonstrated between a husband and wife, not a father and daughter. Am I being too uptight? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: You have confused someone getting a "love pat" with someone being hit ON. Yes, I think in this case you are being too uptight, unless there is something else you have observed that you haven't told me.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 16 and have a 13-year-old sister I'll call "Becky," who is mentally retarded. My mother recently tried to force me to promise that I'll always take care of Becky when she and Dad die or can no longer take care of her.

I think it's unfair to saddle me with a lifetime obligation like this. I have had to make many sacrifices because of Becky. I have to share a room with her and sleep with her in a double bed because she's afraid to sleep alone -- even though we have a spare bedroom. I have never had a sleepover because Becky gets too upset with someone else sleeping in our room. I could go on and on.

I think I should be free of Becky as an adult. There are other alternatives for challenged individuals. Mother says it's my obligation because she's family. I don't believe it should be my lifetime obligation just because we're born to the same parents. What do you think? -- NO THANKS! SACRAMENTO, CALIF.

DEAR NO THANKS!: You appear to be very angry, and with some justification. You have already had too much responsibility thrust upon you. Your sister should have been taught to sleep by herself years ago, because eventually that's what she will have to do.

Your family obligation to your sister isn't necessarily the kind your mother is trying to coerce you into. If and when your parents become too incapacitated to care for Becky, a group living situation might be healthier for all concerned. Your sister may not have a life of her own until she makes that transition. Consider how lonely it must be for her to have no socialization beyond your parents.

While you do not have to keep your sister with you, you do have a moral obligation to see that she's well cared for. In that sense, your mother is right. But you certainly have a right to pursue your own life, career and family without anyone laying a guilt trip on you. And you do not have to sacrifice your happiness, or sleep with your sister, for the rest of your life and/or hers.

DEAR READERS: Today marks the lunar New Year. It's the Year of the Rat. Those born in the Year of the Rat are imaginative, charming and generous to those they love. Gung Hay Fat Choy!

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR READERS: Today's column is a continuation of yesterday's, with more of your thought-provoking answers to my question, "What do you think is society's greatest problem?" Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You won't print this, but in my opinion organized religion has a lot to do with why the world is so badly messed up.

Although most religions espouse values of kindness, generosity and good works, in practical application, it seems that religion is used more often to divide "them" from "us," and to give people yet another way to discriminate against one another. It isn't limited to wars between different religions; one need only look back a few years to see different sects of Christians killing and terrorizing each other in Northern Ireland. And look at the state of religious warfare today. Muslims are murdering and terrorizing other Muslims in Iraq just for belonging to a different sect of Islam.

If people were more concerned with doing the right things in THIS world, rather than preoccupying themselves with what is going to happen in the NEXT one, our world would be a better place. -- KIM IN COLUMBUS, OHIO

DEAR KIM: Your letter has merit, and that's why I printed it.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in this world a little more than 14 years, and to me, the main problem in our world today is lack of forgiveness. We hold onto our anger and hate, thinking it makes us who we are, but really it destroys us.

Abby, I am not naive. I know not all people are good, but I believe people's actions depend on their circumstances and past, and we cannot judge them solely on what they do. If we could forgive people's bad decisions and move on, the world would be a better place. -- KATIE IN JAMESVILLE, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: It's the "me first" mind-set that is illustrated by the guy who cuts you off in traffic, the young woman who rushes past the elderly woman with a cane entering a public restroom to grab the larger handicap stall when all the others are empty, the young mother who continues shopping with a screaming toddler having a tantrum -- oblivious and not even trying to control it.

It's the co-worker who rises to the top by telling lies or taking credit for the work of others, or the person who cheats you in a business deal.

The bottom line? We have made evil politically correct and faith unmentionable. -- MARTHA IN CRESCENT CITY, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I think the problem is ignorance -- ignorance of the fact that we are faced with choices every day and can act on them for better or worse. We are ignorant of our own empowerment when it comes to the environment, how we treat others, our society's history that at times leads us down the same path toward war and the destruction of others. It's ignorance of the plight of our neighbors, our community, our country and around the world. There is woeful ignorance of our government, that it services the people, that its prime mission is the safety and well-being of the people, and our own civil rights.

Merlin of King Arthur's round table said, "The curse of man is that he forgets." If only we won't forget that we are loving beings, capable of great love beyond measure, if only we would not ignore so much, but remember just a little. -- MAURICE IN ALBUQUERQUE, N.M.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)