DEAR ABBY: When I recently moved to Ohio, I left behind a group of dear friends. One of them, "Cheryl," and I talk on the phone almost every night.

Everyone in this group got along beautifully. We had great times and have fabulous memories of growing up together. Ten years ago, while I was away at college, the group had a falling out having to do with Cheryl. It was silly and childish -- it was over a "boy." It was soon forgotten and apologies were offered. But Cheryl held a grudge and refused to speak to any of the others.

Abby, more than a decade has passed. We're all married now, with kids and jobs. I love Cheryl dearly, but she refuses to reconcile. She's extremely sensitive, and the mere mention of the subject starts her whining about the "mistreatment" she endured.

So even though I'm far away, once again, I must listen to her constant complaint that she has no friends except me. She's upset that I moved away. I'm tired of splitting my time between her and the rest of my friends when I return for a visit.

How can I convince Cheryl that there is a group of girls who miss her terribly and just need her to grow up enough to forgive and forget? -- TORN IN DAYTON, OHIO

DEAR TORN: Young girls can be very cruel. It would be interesting to know the details of what this group of "friends" did to Cheryl when they turned on her, because whatever they did left her unable to trust any of them again. If they really "miss her terribly," then they should be the ones telling her so -- not you.

Because her neediness and self-pity have become more than you care to handle, before you are turned off completely, you should let Cheryl know that you no longer want to discuss "ancient history." And because you appear to be her only friend -- and a long-distance one at that -- you'd be doing her a favor to suggest that she get counseling to help her move beyond the past.

DEAR ABBY: I have met a man, "Alvin," who is the love of my life. He is divorced; I have never been married. Alvin has a 16-year-old daughter whom he adores, and she does not approve of our relationship. We want to be married, but he says it has to be OK with his daughter.

If Alvin really loved me, would he let her stand in the way of our happiness? -- WAITING FOR APPROVAL, CHARLOTTE, N.C.

DEAR WAITING: He might -- if he felt guilty enough about the breakup of his marriage to her mother. My question to you is, do you love Alvin enough to postpone any wedding plans until his daughter approves, or is out on her own -- whichever comes sooner?

DEAR ABBY: I have something I would like to know just for the sake of curiosity.

When my mother became pregnant with me, she was married -- but not to the man who impregnated her. Does this make me a bastard? I am not going to be devastated if the answer is yes -- I just want to know for the knowing. -- AM I OR AM I NOT, COSHOCTON, OHIO

DEAR ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT: The answer to your question is no. Because you were born within the bonds of wedlock, you are as legitimate as the next person.

P.S.: The term "bastard" went out of style at least two decades ago. A better term would be "love child."

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Hurt in Ohio" (Dec. 8), the 13-year-old girl who is being bullied, was deeply affecting. I have been a middle-school teacher for 10 years. I have seen what bullying can do to kids.

I'm proud that "Hurt" told her parents, but because that hasn't helped her, please tell her to find an adult at school whom she trusts and tell that adult what is happening. If she hasn't gotten a response within 24 hours, she should go to another adult, and another and another until someone listens.

And please, Abby, remind parents that ignoring the problem does not make it go away; it only makes it worse. Middle-school kids are especially vulnerable to bullying, and it must be stopped. -- MIDDLE-SCHOOL TEACHER IN INDIANA

DEAR MIDDLE-SCHOOL TEACHER: I advised "Hurt" to have her parents accompany her to discuss the situation with her counselor and the principal. However, it has been pointed out to me that being the victim of bullying sometimes happens to multiple generations in families in which the parents are extremely passive and tolerated it, and are unable to teach their children to be assertive.

Fortunately, more help is available for victims of bullying -- and my readers, in addition to sharing their personal experiences, generously offered resources to combat it. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Please tell your readers that our federal government is concerned about bullying, because bullying increases school absenteeism and drop-out rates and can cause significant, long-lasting difficulties for victims.

As part of its anti-bullying campaign, the Health Resource Services Administration has an informative and user-friendly Web site: www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov. This site has sections for parents, school professionals and students.

Bullying is a national problem. We must work together to end this preventable injury. -- PEDIATRIC CHAPLAIN, ARLINGTON, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: Allow me to suggest to "Hurt in Ohio," or anyone who is concerned about bullying in our schools, a Web site called www.safeschools.com. -- ANN IN FARMINGTON, N.M.

DEAR ABBY: "Hurt," who wrote about being bullied, as well as her parents, should explore the materials on the Southern Poverty Law Center's Tolerance Web site, www.tolerance.org, and direct the staff at her school there as well. A search on "bullying booklet" will provide hundreds of references for use. The materials are free to educators and are in use in thousands of schools. Every school and every person being bullied would benefit from SPLC's products. After all, bullying and ostracism have figured in school shootings and in many student suicides.

There is also excellent anti-bias material that has been used with great success in schools with problems similar to the recent one in Jena, La., heading off sad incidents like theirs. -- S.T.M., VERO BEACH, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: "Hurt in Ohio" mentioned that her friends won't stand up for her because they "like" the jocks who are tormenting her. Well, someone should inform her that those kids are not her "friends." On the contrary, they are enablers. Bullies love an audience, and silence indicates approval.

The answer is to teach students that not only schools, but they themselves should have zero tolerance for abusers. -- HENRY IN LITHICUM, MD.

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DEAR ABBY: I have a close friend, "Ethel," about whom I'm very worried. She sees a therapist, "Amy," once a week for depression and suicidal thoughts, and while I think it's a wonderful idea, I'm concerned because she has become "friends" with her therapist.

This has gone as far as gift-giving, attending the therapist's wedding, etc. I always thought it was a breach of professional boundaries for a therapist to become friends with his or her patient.

I am the one who gets the 4 a.m. phone calls when Ethel is feeling like the world is ending for her. She says my son and I are the only reason she doesn't do something to herself. When I ask Ethel why she doesn't discuss this with Amy, or call her at 4 a.m., Ethel says she doesn't want to burden her with her problems. She also refers to her appointments as "visiting" with Amy and says that they have lovely talks about Amy's family, etc.

I'm a single mother with a full-time job, taking classes at the university for my MBA. I try to make as much time as I can for Ethel, but I'm worn out and worried about those 4 a.m. phone calls. After seeing this therapist for five years, wouldn't you think Ethel would at least be a little bit better? If anything, I think she's worse.

I have suggested that Ethel find another therapist, but all she says is that Amy is her friend. What else can I do? -- SARA IN SALEM, ORE.

DEAR SARA: It's apparent that Amy is no longer acting in the role of therapist. And because she has become a friend, Ethel doesn't want to impose upon her with her problems.

The next time Ethel calls you at 4 a.m., tell her that she is calling the wrong person. The things she is telling you are the very things that her therapist needs to know about in order to help her. If Ethel refuses, then tell her that what she needs is a therapist with a fresh approach. If Amy is truly her friend, Amy will understand that and give her a referral while maintaining their personal relationship.

DEAR ABBY: My 4-year-old grandson, "Teddy," is the apple of my eye.

I recently learned that my son-in-law has been taking Teddy hunting for deer and sees no harm in it. At his age, my grandson should be at a petting zoo admiring God's creatures instead of viewing the killing of them.

I have a policy of not interfering with my children in their marriages or how they raise their children. However, if needed, I am always available for advice if asked. Although I have shared my opinion that Teddy is too young, it has fallen on deaf ears.

At age 4, my grandson is too immature to understand the killing. I don't believe that this exposure is good for his psychological development at his tender age. How do I approach my son-in-law about this, and at what age do you think it is appropriate to allow the boy to go hunting? -- CONCERNED GRANDPA IN GREENVILLE, S.C.

DEAR GRANDPA: It would be interesting to know how your daughter feels about her son going hunting with his dad. While I am not a fan of killing for sport, many people are avid hunters who consume the birds and animals they shoot.

While going on those expeditions at age 4 seems quite young, if your grandson isn't traumatized by the sight of the blood-and-gutting and enjoys the "bonding sessions" with his dad, and his mother has no objection, then I guess he'd old enough to go along -- providing he doesn't get in the way and endanger himself.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)