DEAR ABBY: You were right to tell "Just Saying No" (Jan. 16) that his pot-smoking classmates could be headed for addiction or other problems. I worry that marijuana poses more risks to teens than they -- or their parents -- recognize. More kids need professional help kicking marijuana than for all other drugs combined. It is not a "harmless" drug.

School failure, which you mentioned, could be only the first of many problems daily pot smokers may experience. Researchers have a long way to go in understanding the complexity of brain function, but we know that illicit drug use changes the developing brain. Many young people smoke pot before their brain development is settled, and their chronic use of the drug can affect certain centers in the brain that control emotion and reason.

Research shows that regular use of marijuana may also lead to mental health problems. Youth who use marijuana weekly have double the risk of depression later in life, and are three times more likely than non-users to have suicidal thoughts. -- MARC GALANTER, M.D., DIRECTOR, DIVISION OF ALCOHOLISM AND DRUG ABUSE, NEW YORK UNIVERSITY MEDICAL CENTER

DEAR DR. GALANTER: Thank you for lending your expertise on this subject. I am sure many teens and their parents will find your letter enlightening.

If they wish, younger readers can read and consider the latest scientific facts about marijuana and other drugs by logging onto www.abovetheinfluence.com. Parents can visit www.theantidrug.com for tips on talking to their adolescents and teens about drugs and how to get them help if that conversation begins "too late."

DEAR ABBY: Every time my husband and I attend a viewing, no matter who the deceased person is, my husband insists that I get in line in front of him. This means I'm the one who must approach the grieving family.

Some of the funerals we have been to are for people my husband knew well, but I knew only casually. It makes me uncomfortable to be the first to approach the family. He insists that it's "proper etiquette" to have me in front of him. I would have no problem being first if it was for someone I was close to. I feel he should do the same. Is there a right way or a wrong way to line up? -- ROCKY RIVER, OHIO, MOURNER

DEAR R.R.O.M.: There is no right or wrong way for mourners to line up for a viewing. Your husband may feel uncomfortable addressing the grieving family because he doesn't know what to say, and that's why he's defaulting to the old "ladies first" practice. (Please inform him that it should be ladies first only if the lady would LIKE to go first, not if she objects!)

However, because you appear to be stuck in the role of "point person" for your family, simply tell the family members you are "sorry for their loss." This applies whether you know them well or not, and it's all they really need to hear.

DEAR ABBY: I am a senior in high school and in a long-distance relationship with a magician's apprentice who is a year younger than me. What should I expect from this relationship? -- LINDSAY IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.

DEAR LINDSAY: Because, as part of their business, magicians often spend a lot of time on the road, expect a vanishing act. (Now you see him -- now you don't.)

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Valentine's Day is once again upon us. As a single woman, I have recognized that even on this day one can feel completely left out of things. So, last year I started a new tradition with my single women friends.

On Valentine's Day we meet for dinner. We call it "Singles Appreciation Day." Last year we had a great time together, and this year should be even more fun.

Singlehood is not something to cry about. It's something to celebrate and enjoy, just as we would the state of marriage when we find the right person. People need to learn to appreciate the value of each phase of life as we enter it. For now, I am happily appreciating the stage of being single. -- SANDY IN NORTH HIGHLANDS, CALIF.

DEAR SANDY: I'm sure I'm not the only person who admires your positive and intelligent attitude about the journey we all make through life. Today, more and more people are choosing to remain single into their late 20s and 30s -- and Valentine's Day seems to have become less a holiday and more of a marketing campaign that makes the unattached feel adrift, alone and often depressed.

A wise person told me years ago that we are as happy as we make up our minds to be -- and I hope more singles will learn from your example.

DEAR ABBY: Last year on Valentine's Day I had many errands to run, so I started at my favorite coffee shop at 7 a.m.

At a table in front of me was an elderly couple who were already eating. I enjoy people-watching, and it was easy to observe them. The man was having trouble opening his little package of jelly. I almost went over to help him. Why didn't I? Because he was there with a lady. Sister, wife, friend? I couldn't see her left hand. If I had offered help, it might have embarrassed him. This was a buffet breakfast.

As I ate, I watched him make several slow trips for food. He put milk and sugar in her dry cereal. He cut her food and twice wiped her mouth with her napkin. He put sugar and cream in her coffee and stirred it.

When they finally finished, he helped her from her chair, helped her with her coat, straightened out her folding walker, held her arm as they left and helped her into an older model car.

That vignette made my day. Were they sweethearts? I don't know, but there certainly was a lot of love there. Not a word was spoken, but I'm sure the message was received. We could use more of that kind of "conversation" every day, not just on Valentine's Day. -- S. FROM TENNESSEE

DEAR S. FROM TENNESSEE: The demonstration of love and commitment that you witnessed transcends any message that could be given verbally, or anything that could be written on a card. You saw a demonstration of the kind of commitment that is promised when people say to each other "in sickness and in health," but few people think through when they make that vow.

Your letter touched my heart, and I thank you for sending it so I could share it with my readers on this day that celebrates love.

DEAR ABBY: My 94-year-old mother, who lives in a nursing home, has had so much fun making valentines for all her grandkids -- ages 17 to 46.

She sent a picture taken of herself in a bubble bath and wrote, "I hope your day is as happy as I am here in this picture. Proverbs 15:15, 'For the despondent every day brings troubles; for the happy heart, life is a continual feast!' Happy Valentine's Day!"

I am so proud of her attitude. -- KATHY IN KENNEWICK, WASH.

DEAR KATHY: And well you should be. Your mother sets an example we should all be fortunate enough to follow.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: When I recently moved to Ohio, I left behind a group of dear friends. One of them, "Cheryl," and I talk on the phone almost every night.

Everyone in this group got along beautifully. We had great times and have fabulous memories of growing up together. Ten years ago, while I was away at college, the group had a falling out having to do with Cheryl. It was silly and childish -- it was over a "boy." It was soon forgotten and apologies were offered. But Cheryl held a grudge and refused to speak to any of the others.

Abby, more than a decade has passed. We're all married now, with kids and jobs. I love Cheryl dearly, but she refuses to reconcile. She's extremely sensitive, and the mere mention of the subject starts her whining about the "mistreatment" she endured.

So even though I'm far away, once again, I must listen to her constant complaint that she has no friends except me. She's upset that I moved away. I'm tired of splitting my time between her and the rest of my friends when I return for a visit.

How can I convince Cheryl that there is a group of girls who miss her terribly and just need her to grow up enough to forgive and forget? -- TORN IN DAYTON, OHIO

DEAR TORN: Young girls can be very cruel. It would be interesting to know the details of what this group of "friends" did to Cheryl when they turned on her, because whatever they did left her unable to trust any of them again. If they really "miss her terribly," then they should be the ones telling her so -- not you.

Because her neediness and self-pity have become more than you care to handle, before you are turned off completely, you should let Cheryl know that you no longer want to discuss "ancient history." And because you appear to be her only friend -- and a long-distance one at that -- you'd be doing her a favor to suggest that she get counseling to help her move beyond the past.

DEAR ABBY: I have met a man, "Alvin," who is the love of my life. He is divorced; I have never been married. Alvin has a 16-year-old daughter whom he adores, and she does not approve of our relationship. We want to be married, but he says it has to be OK with his daughter.

If Alvin really loved me, would he let her stand in the way of our happiness? -- WAITING FOR APPROVAL, CHARLOTTE, N.C.

DEAR WAITING: He might -- if he felt guilty enough about the breakup of his marriage to her mother. My question to you is, do you love Alvin enough to postpone any wedding plans until his daughter approves, or is out on her own -- whichever comes sooner?

DEAR ABBY: I have something I would like to know just for the sake of curiosity.

When my mother became pregnant with me, she was married -- but not to the man who impregnated her. Does this make me a bastard? I am not going to be devastated if the answer is yes -- I just want to know for the knowing. -- AM I OR AM I NOT, COSHOCTON, OHIO

DEAR ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT: The answer to your question is no. Because you were born within the bonds of wedlock, you are as legitimate as the next person.

P.S.: The term "bastard" went out of style at least two decades ago. A better term would be "love child."

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)