DEAR ABBY: I have been engaged to a widower I'll call "Grant" for about a year. Grant's wife, "Lilly," has been gone for 15 years. He talks about her frequently, which is OK with me. Lilly was an important part of his life for a long time.

My problem is, I feel I can never quite measure up to her. When we're out in public, he frequently refers to "his late wife," which makes me a bit uncomfortable. Recently he told me in conversation, "Do I wish I had never met you and Lilly was still alive? Absolutely!" It came out of the blue and hit me like a lead balloon.

I understand that Grant wishes his late wife were still alive, but did he have to say, "Do I wish I had never met you?" He is also critical of me and puts me down rather often. When I became upset about his comment, he acted like I was overreacting and overly sensitive.

I feel so hurt. I don't even know if I want to be with Grant anymore. Please give me some advice. My self-esteem is at an all-time low, and I am very depressed. -- UNDERVALUED IN PANAMA CITY, FLA.

DEAR UNDERVALUED: Is it possible that your fiance's comment was in response to something you said to him? (Example: "Grant, you bring up Lilly so often it makes me feel like you wish you had never met me ...")

It appears your fiance isn't particularly sensitive to your feelings and isn't likely to change. However, what troubles me more about your letter than the fact that Grant lacks tact and often refers to his late wife -- with whom he obviously had a lot of history -- is the fact that he puts you down and then blames you for reacting. If this is what you would tolerate in a husband, then you're a glutton for punishment.

DEAR ABBY: We recently invited friends to join us at a special event plus dinner. As plans are coming together, I find that their adult children and spouses have been invited to join us.

Am I wrong in thinking when you invite your friends to a special event, dinner, etc., that it's inconsiderate for them to ask other people to join the party? If I had wanted to spend the evening with their children -- or anybody else -- I'd have included them, but I didn't. I wanted to spend the evening with the people with whom I initiated the plans.

I'm hoping my letter will be published and those folks will recognize themselves. I still plan to go and will grin and bear it, but it's frustrating. What is your advice? -- REALLY ANNOYED, ALBUQUERQUE, N.M.

DEAR REALLY ANNOYED: Please do not rely too heavily on the people you mentioned reading your letter and recognizing themselves. Dear Abby readers are considerate, and the majority of them abide by the rules of etiquette -- at least the majority of the time.

What your guests did was extremely presumptuous. Perhaps they don't recognize that their "children" are individuals and not simply extensions of themselves. You are a good sport to go along with their co-opting your evening, but the next time you invite them out, state plainly that you want it to be "just the four of you." No need to be nasty -- just clarify.

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DEAR ABBY: Although I agree with you that "'Dee'-Voted Friend in D.C." (Dec. 26) needs to stop lying to her friend and building up false hopes, I think you missed the mark with the rest of your advice.

Believe me, Dee knows she's overweight and that it's negatively affecting her social life. She's just not ready to deal with it.

"Dee-Voted" didn't indicate that Dee has even asked for her advice or help, so maybe she should consider her own motivation. Does she really just want to help her friend, or does she want Dee to conform to her standards?

Abby, friendship is acceptance. If she's truly a friend, "Dee-Voted" will simply enjoy Dee and remain supportive until that special guy who can appreciate her comes along. Believe me, he's out there. -- G.D. IN BOZEMAN, MONT.

DEAR G.D.: You make a valid point. Although most of those who responded disagreed with my advice to "Dee-Voted," I feel it is important to address the issue of the health risks -- heart disease, diabetes, stroke, joint pain -- related to people who are overweight or obese. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a chubby person myself, I'm sick and tired of the myth that extra pounds mean you can't find love. I have never been a thin person, but I've rarely been a single person.

I firmly believe that there is a shoe for every foot, and finding that shoe has more to do with having confidence and being true to yourself than being thin. I have known many women who have lost 50 pounds or more only to find the problem wasn't their appearance. It was something much deeper in their personalities.

If Dee is striking out with the men in her life, my advice is to look in a different social circle for a date. If the men she's aiming for can't see past her size, I'm not sure why she'd want to be with them anyway. -- CHUBBY AND LOVED, ALEXANDRIA, VA.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think Dee isn't aware she's overweight? I'm a lot like her, only I'm 100 pounds overweight.

Dee should drop this "friend." Nobody needs friends who are condescending or pity them. Instead of trying to find a man in a bar or restaurant, where appearance is all that is considered, she should try other avenues.

There's plenty of love for everybody, and chances are it's not only her weight that's keeping the right men away. For me, it was the chip on my shoulder -- the belief that I wasn't good enough because I was fat. Once I made peace with that, I've had them ... KNOCKING DOWN MY DOOR IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ABBY: There's no way to delude yourself into thinking you're not fat if you are. Dee is reminded of that fact when she goes to the mall and shops in plus-size stores and departments. She knows what's reflected in the mirror.

I've been fat all my life, and I have never lacked for male companionship when I really wanted it. Dee needs to believe that she's beautiful, talented and funny, and that she is worthy of love and respect, no matter what size her jeans are. When that happens, she'll find "Mr. Right." -- PLUS-SIZE AND HAPPY

DEAR ABBY: Many cultures embrace being plus-sized as a beautiful thing. As a man, I would choose a larger woman over a "twig" any day of the week. Dee is beautiful regardless of weight. One day someone like me will come along and prove that she is loved for who she is. -- ERIC IN COLORADO

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DEAR ABBY: My husband's sister, "Mia," is a lesbian who came out to her family 10 years ago. Her parents disowned her. We were just out of high school, and for years we had no idea why. We were not allowed to invite Mia to our wedding or to have any contact with her.

Several years later, she began trying to repair their relationship, despite the fact that she's forbidden to talk about her life or bring her partner anywhere near them. This was when we learned what had happened, and we were appalled at how Mia had been treated.

When she comes to town for holidays, she stays with us. Because of this, my in-laws treat us like "sinners" just as they do her, and we're caught in the middle.

We have tried explaining to these family members that they are entitled to their position and we're entitled to ours; that Mia is family and deserves respect and kindness. They call us liberal freaks with no moral values and say we should stand up to her and not let her "manipulate" us. My husband and I are tired of the drama we get at holiday time. Not only do they usually pick a fight with Mia while she's here, but they also won't speak to us for two weeks afterward. The last two times she came, Mia has either had to cut her trip short or has been reduced to tears by the harsh words from family members.

If you wonder why Mia even bothers coming home, it's because she wants to maintain contact with us and she loves her nieces and nephews. How do we handle these people, or do we just give up? -- ODD ONES OUT IN OHIO

DEAR ODD ONES OUT: Stand your ground. Do not allow yourselves to be bullied or emotionally blackmailed into rejecting your husband's sister. You are neither morally challenged nor "liberal freaks" for trying to help bridge the gap with the family.

Frankly, your sister-in-law must be extremely resilient to have tolerated the abuse she's getting from these "good" people. They may not approve of her sexual orientation, but she did not choose it -- it's who she is. It seems this self-righteous family's "moral values" do not include tolerance.

DEAR ABBY: I share a room with my stepsisters during visitation at my dad's. Their room doesn't have a lock, and my stepmom, "Muriel," doesn't believe in knocking before coming into their room. My stepsisters are used to it and don't care. However, Muriel is not my mom, and it's embarrassing to be barged in on without warning, especially when I'm undressed.

Last weekend she walked in after I had just taken a shower and was completely naked. Muriel couldn't understand why I'd have a problem with it, since we're both females and I was already naked in front of my stepsisters.

I have asked her nicely to please knock when I'm there, but she says, "A mother doesn't have to knock when coming into her own daughters' (or stepdaughter's) room." Muriel said I have a "silly hang-up" and need to get over it. "I wouldn't be doing you any favors," she said, "if I gave in."

Is my request unreasonable? How should I handle this? -- FEELS LIKE CINDERELLA

DEAR FEELS LIKE CINDERELLA: It doesn't appear that you and Muriel are particularly close, or even on the same wavelength. She's being heavy-handed in the way she is asserting herself, and you should talk to your father and mother about it.

Your stepmother is the adult, and she has allowed this to be turned into a power struggle. She's not your mother, and as you are a guest in their home, some common courtesy should be extended.

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