DEAR ABBY: I have had sole custody of my three children from a previous marriage for the past 10 years. Their mother, "Nadine," has mental health issues that prevent her from being a competent parent. She has let them down countless times and has caused emotional scars. As a result, the children have limited contact with Nadine, even though she lives nearby.

Our oldest daughter, "Holly," who is now 22, has chosen not to speak to her mom for more than a year. I believe part of Nadine's mental troubles stem from a secret she has been keeping. I have suspected for years that Holly is not my biological daughter. And if she's not, I know the identity of her biological father.

Do I tell Holly? Do I get a paternity test to find out for sure? My concern is for Holly. Does she have the right to know -- especially for understanding her genetic and medical history? I am not worried about our relationship. I love her, and we have a strong father/daughter bond that will not be affected by DNA. -- HOLLY'S DAD, IRMO, S.C.

DEAR DAD: For the reason you have stated, the test should be done. For one thing, Holly may turn out to be your daughter after all, and your suspicions would be put to rest. For another, if there are medical issues that run in her biological father's family, she should absolutely know what they are.

DEAR ABBY: I'm being married in October to "Olivia," the woman I am meant to be with. After the wedding, we both want to start a family. I love Olivia and am thrilled with the idea of having children. I worry a lot, though, about what kind of world we will be bringing a child into. I worry about terrorism and global warming. I don't want my child to be scared for his/her safety and uncertain about the future. Can you advise me, Abby? -- REALIST IN BROWNS MILLS, N.J.

DEAR REALIST: There are few thinking people these days who don't share the same concerns that you do. The truth is, having children is an act of faith -- an optimistic "investment" in the future. No one has any guarantees that he or she can bring a child into a world free of problems. However, if we live prudently and put forth our best efforts to resolve the problems we face today, the chances are better that the next generation will have fewer of them to cope with.

DEAR ABBY: Could you please share suggestions on how to offer support to someone who is grieving?

Well-meaning friends have used my loss as an opportunity to relive their past losses with grisly and sad details. One friend described in detail her husband's final days. I was so emotionally fragile, I could not argue or defend myself.

Perhaps these people are trying to relate, but it's torture. It's thoughtless and selfish. I have a feeling I'm not the only person who has suffered through this ignorance. -- GRIEVING ALONE IN FLORIDA

DEAR GRIEVING ALONE: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your loved one.

Readers, the above letter conveys an important message. What the writer's "well-meaning friends" did happens all too often. It is enough to simply convey one's condolences when someone you know has experienced a death in the family. If the person wants to talk, he or she will let you know by starting a conversation. If not, to begin discussing the details of your own loss is, to say the least, insensitive, intrusive and not helpful.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm 16 and in high school. I would say I have a lot of friends, but very few do I consider real friends. You see, my "friends" like to tease me and call me fat.

Before this all started, I was fine with my appearance and thought I was a normal size. Now I look in the mirror and I'm disgusted with myself. I find myself not eating as much as I used to and thinking negative thoughts. Every time I try to tell them to stop, they make fun of me more.

My mom tells me to make new friends, but I have known them for so long and it's too hard to make new friends. Please tell me what to do. -- FEELING FAT IN CALI

DEAR FEELING FAT: The people you describe do not sound like "friends" to me. Friends don't ridicule each other, particularly when they are told it is hurtful.

Although the idea of making new friends may seem daunting, your mother is on the right track. It's time to involve yourself in activities that do not involve the kids you have been hanging out with -- a church group, volunteering, sports, dance classes, even a part-time job. All of these will help you meet new people, and once you do, I'm sure you will find friends. Almost anything would be better than those who are putting you down under the guise of "humor."

DEAR ABBY: You ask your readers to share their pet peeves with you. Well, here's mine: I cannot overemphasize how annoying it is when people try to send a fax and enter the number of the phone line.

I am an assistant in a busy office. At least three times a week someone will try to send a fax and dial our main office number by mistake. I answer the phones and hear the high-pitched BEEP. Once wouldn't be that big a deal, but often the sender has walked away from his or her fax machine and it redials again and again. It is annoying and a waste of my time.

Please advise people to first double-check to make sure they have the correct fax number, and second, not to walk away from the machine until they're certain the fax is going through. This should be common sense, but I see less and less common sense these days. Thanks, Abby. -- FRUSTRATED IN COLORADO

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I'm printing your letter, but there is no guarantee it will resolve your problems. Of course it makes sense to check the number one is calling or faxing, but from what I have observed, people are trying so hard these days to race through their work assignments, that mistakes keep piling up to the point where efficiency suffers. Maybe it's time to simply slow down and quit multitasking.

DEAR ABBY: At a business lunch or dinner, if one member at the table bows his or her head to say grace silently, what is the proper thing for the others at the table to do? Join in, wait silently or ignore the behavior? -- CHRISTY IN DENISON, IOWA

DEAR CHRISTY: The polite thing to do would be to wait for the person to finish. You are under no obligation to join in if you prefer not to.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old freshman at an all-girls school. Prior to this I was in the public school system. Today I was thinking about my experiences in both systems of schools, which inspired me to write the following poem. You can print it if you like.

Perhaps it will strike a chord with educators and students. Maybe it won't. But I wanted to get my feelings out on this subject and help to stop unfair judgment. -- LEALIA XIONG, GUILFORD, CONN.

DEAR LEALIA: I'm pleased to share your poem and the important message it so succinctly conveys. You have tremendous insight for one so young, and talent as well.

DON'T JUDGE

Don't judge people you hardly know.

You don't know what their day has been like.

You don't know what their life has been like.

Don't judge.

Don't judge someone who seems

As if she's overreacting.

You don't know if she's lost someone

She loved dearly

Or if her parents are getting a divorce

Or fighting over nothing.

Don't judge.

Don't judge someone who's different.

He's probably one of the nicest people you'll

know.

Or the funniest.

Or the smartest.

Take the time to get to know people.

Walk with them.

Run with them.

Share their triumphs and their sorrows.

Maybe they don't dance through life

As you thought.

Don't judge.

DEAR ABBY: I am a stay-at-home mom of an active 3-year-old boy, with another on the way. Before my son, "Chad," was born, my husband and I took in a loving yellow Labrador, "Sparky" (now 8), who had been neglected.

While I love Sparky very much, he is just too much work for me because he is so needy. He often becomes nervous and "stuck" in certain rooms and must be physically coaxed into the next room. His anxiety causes him to bark uncontrollably at cars, people walking by, etc. He is absolutely out of control when someone comes to the door. He has damaged our home, wakes us up when we're sleeping, wants to go in and out all day, and is constantly underfoot. Our efforts to train Sparky have failed, and I'm simply out of patience.

The trouble is, my husband has no sympathy for the difficulty this causes me when I'm home during the day, and he refuses to discuss alternative options. I don't know what to do and have overwhelming feelings of guilt. I find myself actually looking forward to the day when Sparky dies so that I can be relieved of this burden. Please help. -- DOG TIRED, PALMYRA, N.Y.

DEAR DOG TIRED: The problems you described are not your dog's fault. Many rescue animals have "issues" not unlike Sparky's. You need to talk to your vet about this, and also a professional dog trainer. If that doesn't resolve your problem, then contact the rescue group that placed Sparky with you so they can find him another home.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)