DEAR ABBY: I'm married to a wonderful man. "Dave" and I are in our late 30s.

When Dave was about 5, he was with two of his cousins who were about the same age. The three were inseparable. While they were playing, the smaller cousin fell into a pond, and the older one jumped in after him and tried to save him. All my husband could do was stand and watch as both of his little cousins -- his best friends -- drowned before his eyes. He ran for help, but by then it was too late.

I know most of the story from my mother-in-law, as Dave is unwilling to talk about it.

Last night, I went upstairs and there was my darling, weeping uncontrollably. Dave told me that he lives with horrible depression every day because of what happened, and he can't get past it. I want my husband to see a grief counselor, but he refuses because he doesn't think he'd be able to talk about it.

Abby, I love my husband. He doesn't deserve to live with this horror for the rest of his life. How can I convince him to get professional help? -- HURTING FOR MY HUSBAND

DEAR HURTING: Remind Dave that when this happened, he was only 5, and under the circumstances, he did everything he could to save his cousins. Although this incident, which has haunted him all these years, will be difficult to talk about, it's the only way to rid himself of the feelings of helplessness and survivor guilt from which he is clearly suffering.

Talking to a counselor will help him to reclaim his life and rid himself of his depression. For a couple of sessions, he may indeed just sit there and cry. But tears can be healing. And eventually he WILL be able to talk about what happened.

Clip this column, give it to your husband, and tell him that I, too, am urging him to get the help he needs. He's in my thoughts and prayers, and the longest journey begins with a single step.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in the process of creating a will. We have a 29-year-old son, married, with two young daughters. We also have a single 25-year-old son.

I have an engagement diamond with matching wedding band, and a mother's ring with diamonds and rubies. Both are of great sentimental value to me. Because I don't have a daughter, what is standard etiquette? My instinct is to will them to both granddaughters, but I don't want my daughter-in-law to feel slighted. She's very important to me. Any "rules" on this one? -- WONDERING IN MINNESOTA

DEAR WONDERING: Leave them to your granddaughters. Upon your death, they should go to your daughter-in-law for "safekeeping" until the girls are old enough to appreciate both their monetary and sentimental value.

DEAR ABBY: I was recently at a family gathering with my husband's family. His uncle was hosting the party, and his wife asked me a question that I honestly didn't know the answer to.

His uncle's wife asked me how she should introduce me to their friends. Should she say, "This is our nephew's wife" or should she introduce me as their "niece"? What's the right answer for a situation like this? -- NANCY IN ARNOLD, MD.

DEAR NANCY: Tell your husband's aunt that the next time she makes the introductions, she should say, "This is our nephew, 'Bob,' and his lovely wife, Nancy," and to say it with a smile.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I recently turned 40, and because I don't get along with my husband "Ted's" family, I chose to celebrate out of town with my parents and siblings. At the end of my five-day trip, Ted picked me up at the airport and barely greeted me. He waited three days to give me my birthday gift.

When he finally handed me the box, Ted didn't even wait for me to open it. He went off to take a shower. I waited for him to finish, then opened the gift in front of him. Inside was a pair of diamond earrings.

I have never wanted diamond earrings, and I have told him so many times. I had asked Ted for cash so I could buy a new sewing machine. Why diamond earrings?

That night we had a major quarrel, and now I'll never be able to enjoy them. What do I do with them now? -- TICKED OFF IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR TICKED OFF: First, you apologize for being ungracious about the gift your husband gave you for your birthday. Then sit down and try to analyze why you and his family don't get along and why your marriage is in serious trouble -- because it is.

After that, ask your doctor to refer you to a licensed marriage counselor and try to bridge the communication gap that has developed between you and your spouse. At this point, what to do with the diamond earrings is the least of your worries.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 17-year-old high school senior. I got my driver's license around the same time as all my friends -- with the exception of my best friend, "Robin." Robin lives about 20 miles from my house, and anywhere I go she's always asking for rides. The problem is that I pay for my own gas and car insurance, and I only have a part-time job, along with baby-sitting.

Robin's mom told me she planned on giving me some gas money, but she only gave me $5. How can I keep from alienating my friend when I tell her I can't afford to keep going out of my way to get her unless she contributes more? -- BROKE IN NEW YORK

DEAR BROKE: A picture is worth a thousand words. Because you feel Robin may be too sensitive to be told in plain English, prepare a chart for her illustrating the distance from your house to hers and back, the mileage you get per gallon and the ever-increasing cost of gas. Illustrating the problem may help your friend see that what you're telling her isn't a personal rejection but a reality.

DEAR ABBY: I have an etiquette question. If you aren't supposed to wear white after Labor Day, when can you begin wearing white again? -- DEBBIE IN JONESBORO, ARK.

DEAR DEBBIE: You can wear white whenever the spirit moves you. According to "Emily Post's Etiquette," 17th Edition: "The old rule about wearing white only between Memorial Day and Labor Day is a thing of the past. Today the question of wearing white applies to the WEIGHT of the fabrics, not COLOR. (Italics are mine.)

"Lightweight fabrics in white and pastels are worn in the warm/hot months and heavier fabrics known as 'winter whites' are worn in the cool and cold months. Since the country includes varied climate zones, the times for switching between summer and winter whites will depend on the weather where you are."

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm 26 and concerned about my parents' future. They are in their late 40s and have absolutely nothing saved for retirement. Dad has a physically demanding job and won't be able to do it forever, and they are currently in debt up to their ears.

There are six kids in our family. I appreciate the fact that my parents are blowing off some steam when it comes to spending money, since they were unable to do it while we were all younger. However, I feel it's time they look at the big picture.

If something was to happen to Dad or he was unable to work, they'd lose everything. At this point, they will be unable to pay for any of their own expenses when they're older, and my siblings and I don't have money to support them. Our youngest brother still lives at home and is adopting the same spending habits as Mom and Dad.

How would you recommend we speak to our parents? They tend to be sensitive about these matters. Do you know of any articles or books we could reference when speaking to them? -- PENNYWISE IN ST. PETE, FLA.

DEAR PENNYWISE: Assuming that you and your four adult siblings are equally concerned about your parents' welfare, you should approach them as a group. It's still not too late for them to start saving and investing for their retirement years. And you and the others could help them by offering to match what they save each month. Even a small amount adds up.

If the five of you each put in $20 a month ($100), and your parents put in $100, at the end of a year they would have $2,400. By the time your father was ready to retire in 20 years, they'd have some serious money put away -- not counting any increase in the value of their investments.

The U.S. General Services Administration Federal Citizen Information Center offers free information that could help you. Log on to � HYPERLINK "http://www.pueblo.gsa.gov" ��www.pueblo.gsa.gov� and look under the heading "Retirement Planning" in the "Money" section. You'll find lots of good advice, and you can even order free and low-cost booklets on saving and investing and much more. Or call (888) 8-Pueblo ((888) 878-3256) for a free Consumer Information Catalog. Also check your local library.

Your parents may or may not be receptive to this idea. However, if you turn the matching money into a "game," they'll be more likely to go for it. Good luck.

DEAR ABBY: Last year, against the advice of my friends and family, I forgave my ex-boyfriend. He swore he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I let him back into my life and let him talk to me about marriage and the future.

Within a few months he was up to his old tricks again, chasing other women, so I had to send him packing.

How do I forgive myself for being so stupid? I believed he loved me, and I am furious with myself for falling for his charm and his lies. My family isn't being very supportive because they didn't want me to reconcile. Please help me. -- FOOLED ME TWICE IN COLUMBUS, OHIO

DEAR FOOLED: Please stop beating yourself up. You're an optimistic person who believed in second chances, and your ex-boyfriend abused your trust.

Now that you understand he is incapable of change, it's time to learn from this experience and go on with your life. We learn more from our mistakes than our successes -- and the lesson you will take from this is to draw the line sooner if you notice a person's words don't match his deeds.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)