DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "In True Love in Washington" (Feb. 4), about the 16-year-old who became pregnant by her pastor. What she described is not a "love" relationship; it is an abusive one. A pastor who has a sexual relationship with a member of his congregation is misusing his power, and this constitutes clergy sexual misconduct.

You were correct when you stated that "if there is any 'shaming,'" it should be directed at the pastor. Unfortunately, that is not typically the case. The shaming of victims that follows disclosure is nearly unbearable. Church officials typically collude in denial or cover up the problem. Rarely is there any care for the victim.

For this reason, a sex-abuse therapist and a spiritual director familiar with this type of abuse are helpful in the healing process. In addition, it is vital for the victim and her family to find the support of someone who has lived through clergy sexual misconduct because it is unlikely they will find support in their current circle of friends. -- C.W., MUSKEGON, MICH.

DEAR C.W.: Thank you for sharing some valuable suggestions. The responses to "True Love" offered additional steps for her to consider. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You were right to point out that "Reverend Ron" is the one in the wrong. However, if the issue is not turned over to the police, the church's investigation may put a different slant on the results. Only law enforcement officers know the questions to ask in order to get the facts as they should be obtained. -- ADA IN OLEAN, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: Both my husband and I are pastors and have had to deal with a similar situation in our region. Unfortunately, the abuse and misuse of pastoral authority is too prevalent. It is widespread, although not indicative of most clergy, who seek to serve faithfully.

I don't know who is responsible for holding Reverend Ron accountable, but hopefully there are church leaders who will take this situation seriously and not ignore it. Far too many people in the pews feel that it is not their place to hold someone accountable for his/her mistakes. The congregation will need someone trained in dealing with this kind of situation to help them heal as well. -- REVEREND JOANNA

DEAR ABBY: As a therapist, I have helped many people deal with this kind of emotional wreckage. The affair, which the pastor convinced this girl was OK because they were "truly in love," actually falls under the category "sexual abuse by one in a position of trust," and it is a crime. In some states, it may be considered statutory rape.

After being told, the mother should contact the police and the district attorney. Reverend Ron is a sexual predator who has taken advantage of a vulnerable young girl. He needs to be stopped and removed from any and all contact with young teens. -- THERAPIST IN LONGMONT, COLO.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for six years and have recently fallen in love with another man. But I still love my husband. Is it possible for a person to be in love with two people at the same time? -- KIM FROM THE SUNSHINE STATE

DEAR KIM: It is possible to love more than one person because you love them for different reasons. However, when someone is IN love, he or she is usually completely focused on that one love object. So the answer to your question is no.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: The IRS needs help from your readers.

Starting in May, economic stimulus payments of up to $600 for individuals and $1,200 for married couples will be issued by the IRS based on 2007 tax returns. Parents also get $300 for each eligible child.

To receive it, people must file a 2007 tax return. That's all there is to it. And here's where your readers can help: Millions of people are eligible, but may not know it. Certain retirees, disabled vets and low-wage workers do not normally file a tax return. However, this year they must in order to receive the payments.

Your readers can help not just the IRS but perhaps themselves, friends or family by spreading the word. Please ask them to mention it to people they think might qualify. The eligibility rules are on irs.gov, the best source of information.

Generally, people who have at least $3,000 from earned income or certain benefits from Social Security, Railroad Retirement and Veterans Affairs -- or a combination of income from these benefits -- are eligible. They need only provide a few details on a Form 1040A. We'll do the rest. -- DOUG SHULMAN, IRS COMMISSIONER

DEAR DOUG: You're a wise man who obviously understands the power of word-of-mouth "advertising." And I am sure Dear Abby readers will be glad to pitch in and help get the word out so that everyone who is entitled will receive a check. For further details, simply go to � HYPERLINK "http://www.irs.gov" ��www.irs.gov�. Readers, thank you for helping to publicize this effort.

DEAR ABBY: One day my dad was talking to one of my friends, and he said, "We're poor." Abby, we live in a nice house in a middle-class neighborhood. Both my parents have their master's degrees, and I never have to worry about having something to eat or if I can afford to pay for my college education.

My parents always make comments about how much things cost and how much they can't buy. I'm sorry, but it's just a little bit irksome. I feel like their obsession with money is putting a crimp on enjoying the good things in life. Why can't they be a little more "cup is half-full"? -- LINDSAY IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LINDSAY: Your father may have gotten some bad news about his investments the day he spoke to your friend -- as many people have over the past year -- or perhaps he suspected that she was palling around with you because she thought you had money. Ask your dad why he said what he did, because the answer could be enlightening.

It would have been helpful if you had mentioned what preceded your father's comment. That would have put it in context.

DEAR ABBY: Why do people put old photos in the obituaries? When photos started appearing in obituaries, I thought it was a little strange. But publishing a photo taken at age 20 of a person who died at 85 makes no sense to me. -- JUST CALL ME SNAPSHOT

DEAR SNAPSHOT: Consider this: Perhaps the deceased -- or the grieving family -- preferred that he or she be remembered in the full bloom of youth rather than ravaged by age or disease. That's the logical explanation.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a woman in Phoenix -- where we both lived -- for the past three years. We were in an exclusive relationship, but not living together because I was going through a divorce when we met. Throughout our time together I have helped "Jackie" with rent and cash gifts.

I have since moved to California, and Jackie would like to come and live with me. I thought it would be nice, but a cohabitation agreement would be necessary because I have a lot of assets and she has very few.

After some discussion, she came up with an agreement, but I feel the benefits package she's asking for is too high. She's asking me to pay all living expenses, housing, food, health insurance, a new car with auto insurance and an allowance of $3,000 a month.

I balked on this "deal" because it seems more like a rental agreement rather than a loving relationship. She maintains that she needs a "cushion" in case the relationship doesn't work out because she'll be leaving her job and friends behind.

My friends laugh when I tell them the terms of the arrangement. What are your thoughts? -- WAITING IN CAPISTRANO

DEAR WAITING: If Jackie expects you to pay for everything, including health insurance and an allowance, it is plain that she won't be seeking employment and will be taking an early retirement when she goes to Capistrano. If the relationship does not work out, the consequences would affect her financially for the rest of her life.

Nowhere in your letter did you mention the word "marriage." While both of you may have reasons for wanting to remain single, if you love Jackie, wouldn't you want her to be taken care of if something should happen to you? Rather than gathering advice from friends, ask your lawyer what a fair and appropriate agreement would be under the circumstances.

P.S. It does seem that the guaranteed benefit package Jackie has in mind for herself is a bit "rich."

DEAR ABBY: My husband has four siblings, all adults with families of their own. A little more than a year ago, my father-in-law, "Carl," asked Mom for a divorce. That's when we learned that their relationship had been going downhill for several years.

All of the "kids," especially my husband, have embraced Mom and shunned Carl. They say terrible things about him and his new girlfriend, "Angie," whom they refuse to meet. We hardly see Carl anymore, and the few times he has come to our home for dinner, my husband has made it clear that Angie is not welcome.

I don't pretend to know how it feels to have your parents split up after 40 years. I try to be understanding and supportive to my husband and his family. I have kept my opinions to myself, but I am frustrated with all of them. I'm certain Carl waited to end his marriage until after all his children were old enough to understand. I feel they need to make some kind of move to get past this. Is there anything I can do? -- KEEPING IT TO MYSELF IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR KEEPING IT: No, there isn't. Your husband and his siblings are reacting emotionally to the breakup of their parents' marriage. Perhaps at a later date -- after more time passes -- they will come to accept it. That is, unless they perceive Angie as having caused the divorce.

I see nothing positive to be gained by putting yourself in the middle of this. Sometimes silence is golden.

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