DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, my husband and I adopted two siblings who have "special circumstances." The problem is my youngest child hates me and does everything possible to get me to leave.

Is it me she hates, or could it be her birth mother? She was 3 when she was removed from her birth parents and 6 when we brought her and her sister to live with us.

Do you think my child has forgotten how to love, or maybe she was never taught? -- TROUBLED MOM IN MINNESOTA

DEAR TROUBLED MOM: Not having met your daughter, I am unable to tell you what her problem is. However, I can tell you this: Before the situation goes any further, I urge you to have your little girl evaluated by a qualified mental health professional because that child's problem may not be an inability to love, but a bonding disorder.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Duane," had a serious drinking problem for more than 25 years. He has dried out. However, the past has come back to haunt us. His daughter, "Jackie," told me that when she was 2, Duane raped her. Jackie said she still dreams about wanting to kill him. I can't blame her, and I don't believe she's lying.

I do not plan to divorce Duane. I think Jackie's mother should have prosecuted him when it happened, but she failed her daughter just as my husband did.

Having been a victim of rape myself, I can relate to Jackie's pain. I was 6 when my dad began molesting me. I would like to be supportive, help to heal these wrongs and watch Jackie blossom into a wonderful, loving person -- a side of her she has already shown me she possesses.

I love Duane, but I'm not IN love with him. He can be a jerk sometimes. I think joint counseling might help. She and her brother both have terrible memories of "Dad." Since we've been married, we have had a child together.

How can I help mend their relationship and allow Duane to face up to what he did? Jackie suffers all the time because of it. This happened more than 30 years ago. -- "SAMANTHA" IN OHIO

DEAR "SAMANTHA": As well-meaning as you are, do not involve yourself in Jackie's healing process. She could benefit from professional counseling, but it should not be "joint" counseling until and unless she's ready for it.

Frankly, you could benefit from some counseling yourself. Cycles of abuse often repeat themselves in families, and by marrying Duane, you appear to have married a carbon copy of your own father/molester. Not knowing your husband, I do not know how much of a "jerk" Duane can be "sometimes." If you haven't already done so, you should talk to your own child about appropriate touching and ask whether he or she has been molested, too.

DEAR ABBY: Why do people think it's OK to go up to someone with long hair in a ponytail and pull it? I am currently growing my hair for Locks of Love. It makes me furious when people come up and jerk it. Not only is it painful, but isn't it a form of assault? What would be an appropriate response? -- HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW

DEAR HAIR TODAY: Pulling someone's ponytail is a childish impulse, and yes, it is a form of assault -- but probably not prosecutable. The proper response is, "Ouch! Don't do that again. It hurts!"

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 50-year-old mom with three grown daughters. I gave up my whole life to be a stay-at-home parent. I was a room mother at school and a bus driver, and did everything I could to be the best mom my kids could have. Now they are grown with children of their own. I help with the grandkids, but I never feel appreciated.

I tried to do everything the opposite of how my parents raised me. My mother was absent, and my dad was a drunk who abused us. I'm beginning to wonder -- have all the sacrifices I made mattered? Or have I wasted my life trying to be a good mom and no one cares? -- SUPERMOM IN WELSH, LA.

DEAR SUPERMOM: You were a diligent parent when your daughters were growing up, and you have continued generously giving of your time with your grandchildren. But it seems you forgot completely about yourself during those years.

Rather than looking for "appreciation" from your daughters, don't you think it's time you started devoting some time to yourself and your own interests? I do. Take some time for yourself. You have earned it. And, perhaps, if you're less available, you will be more appreciated.

DEAR ABBY: After reading the columns you printed with letters from readers describing what they think is wrong with American society, I think it's time to talk about what is RIGHT in our society. I, for one, would like to mention the endless compassion we are capable of giving, and how, in times of some of our greatest tragedies, we have come together in spite of our differences to support and help one another.

Yes, there are many negatives that can easily be listed about problems in our society, but wouldn't the greater challenge -- and a more productive one -- be to list the positives about it? -- REBECCA IN NEW YORK

DEAR REBECCA: I received a great deal of feedback regarding not only the question I posed to readers -- "What is society's greatest problem?" -- but also some of the thought-provoking responses that appeared in my column (Feb. 5 and 6). While many people told me they enjoyed the intellectual exercise, others felt that those columns were uncharacteristically negative. (My feeling is that finding solutions to problems entails first identifying them.)

However, your point is well taken. So, readers, pick up your pens or head for your keyboards, and share with me -- and each other -- your thoughts on what is right in our society.

DEAR ABBY: I recently won a local vocabulary contest. In school, I am called "the walking dictionary." People often approach me to find out the meaning of words.

Since winning the contest, I have become more popular, and my boyfriend has been trying to use big words when he talks to me or to our friends. The problem is, he uses them incorrectly or mispronounces them. I know he's trying to impress me, but it's embarrassing. How can I tell him to stop without hurting his feelings? -- THE WALKING DICTIONARY IN GEORGIA

DEAR WALKING DICTIONARY: People sometimes mispronounce words because they learned them by reading them rather than hearing them used. Give your boyfriend points for being intellectually acquisitive.

The next time he uses a word incorrectly or mispronounces it, offer a gentle correction -- but be sure to do it in private. That way, he won't be embarrassed.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My domestic partner and I have been together 12 years. I love him dearly. He is sweet, funny, witty, kind, and most important, willing to live with me. I can't imagine life without him.

The problem is, he has no common sense. He doesn't "get" that dishes we cook and eat with should not be used for feeding the cats. If the toilet runs over (we have old plumbing), my best bath towels should not be used to clean up the mess when there's a mop in the closet. If we're out of cat food, he should go to the supermarket and buy some, not open the can of goose liver pate we brought back from Paris. That sort of thing.

The immediate cause of my annoyance is if you have two credit cards, one with a 7 percent interest rate, the other with a 21 percent interest rate, you don't put a $2,000 purchase on the card with the higher interest rate.

My partner is 42, but sometimes I feel like I'm the parent of a 4-year-old. If I say anything, he accuses me of being a "control freak." I don't consider myself one, but I just don't want my favorite punch bowl used as a bucket. Any ideas before I shoot the both of us? -- READY TO SCREAM, GROVELAND, FLA.

DEAR READY TO SCREAM: Until they start cloning couples, there will always be one more responsible person in a relationship. Because your partnership has lasted as long as it has, I'm sure he has his strengths, too, that are different from yours.

Because you already know the state of your plumbing, stash a supply of rags or old, faded towels in your linen closet and show them to him, so that when another emergency occurs, he will be able to locate them quickly. Transfer your fine china and crystal to a cabinet that's less convenient to reach -- perhaps even one with a lock -- so it won't be so available when the livestock gets hungry.

And warn your partner in advance that certain items -- like pate -- are only for special occasions. Also, consider transferring your balance from the high-interest credit card, or keeping it in a safety deposit box.

If all that fails, remind yourself what it was like back on the dating circuit. If that doesn't make you count his virtues, nothing will.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, "Bob," who has a strange sense of humor. A lot of people don't find him funny, and this time I'm afraid he's gone too far.

His most recent prank was to fake his own death. Bob even went so far as to submit a fake obituary. The problem is we have mutual friends in other states who are convinced he is dead and are pretty shaken up about it.

I want to tell everyone the truth, but I know Bob will see it as a betrayal. I don't want to hurt our relationship, but I hate to see our friends in pain. What should I do? -- DILEMMA IN DALLAS

DEAR DILEMMA: Your "friend" has a cruel and twisted sense of humor, and if you are wise, you'll distance yourself from him. Not only has he hurt people who care about him, but if he has done this to avoid paying taxes or other financial obligations, it is fraud.

Since you asked, you should inform anyone who inquires that Bob is still very much among them -- and advise them to give him a call when you know he'll be picking up.

P.S. If someone did that to me, I'd pretend he WAS dead.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)