DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old stepdaughter, "Nicki," is sweet, sensitive, shy and artistic. Through no fault of her own she is two grades behind in school. She's not anti-social but has few friends at school because of the age difference. The friends she does have take advantage of her. They spend time with her only when she has spending money. They also borrow her things and do not return the items in good condition.

Nicki loves to talk about how many friends she has, but she'll also mention that they don't like her sometimes. She lives with her mother for the most part, but when she visits she seems starved for attention. I try to tell her to stand up for herself, but she thinks if she does she'll lose her "friends." Her mother also has low self-esteem, and I think she has passed this on to Nicki.

Is there anything I can do to bolster my step-daughter's self-esteem? And what can I say about her friends without overstepping my boundaries? -- LOST STEPMOM IN PALAU

DEAR LOST STEPMOM: It is not unheard of for parents who are socially recessive to pass that trait on to their children. After all, children learn by example -- and that's where you may be able to help your stepdaughter. The more time Nicki spends with you, the more she will see how you appropriately handle social situations and contemporaries. You should also share your thought process with her before and/or after you have done so. This will give her coping mechanisms in dealing with her own life.

Although it may be tempting, do not put down her classmates. If you do, it could come across as a criticism of her. Instead, encourage your stepdaughter to get involved in activities outside of school -- perhaps pursue her art, something that she enjoys. That way she can meet peers with whom she has something in common, and who won't have preconceived ideas about her status.

DEAR ABBY: I have a neighbor who honks her horn twice to say goodbye to her children -- at 7 a.m.! It's so annoying to wake up to the sound of a honking horn every morning.

How do I ask this neighbor -- whom I am not friendly with -- to stop this daily ritual? -- NO MORE HONKING IN PA.

DEAR NO MORE HONKING: Write your neighbor a sweet note and explain that the honking is waking you up. She may be unaware that she is creating a problem. If that doesn't work, then check the noise ordinance in your city. She may be in violation of the law.

DEAR ABBY: I never married "Mark," the father of my 20-year-old son, "Joel," and Mark didn't appear in Joel's life until he was 12. Mark had a relationship with Joel for about two years, then moved to another state.

I learned last night that Mark has died. Joel is a few hours away at college. Should I tell him on the phone or in person? -- UNDECIDED IN STOCKBRIDGE, GA.

DEAR UNDECIDED: If the situation were reversed, what would you prefer? While Mark and Joel have not been close, your son has still lost his father. To tell him in person would be the kind thing to do.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Louis" for six months. Things are going great. I know he is my soul mate, and I need look no further. He's intelligent, artistic, appreciative, caring, and we have the same political and spiritual philosophy. We are both optimistic about a wonderful future together.

There is just one problem. Louis is emotionally constipated. He has trouble saying, "I love you." We discussed it, and he told me his last girlfriend -- his only other serious relationship -- just said, "Oh," when he told her he loved her. So now he's afraid of voicing the sentiment. Also, I heard his mother tell him she loved him, and Louis didn't respond to her.

He has asked me to move in with him for the summer while we're on college break. He says I'm an inspiration, and he's never been happier. He says our relationship is like an oak tree, solid and forever growing stronger. His aunt has also "casually" mentioned that she has Louis' grandmother's wedding ring if he wants it anytime soon.

Should I tell Louis I love him and risk scaring him off? I couldn't stand for him to say "Oh" to me. What's your advice? -- LOVES HIM IN MOUNT PLEASANT, MICH.

DEAR LOVES HIM: Before you become more deeply involved with Louis, you need to review what happened with his mother. A son who remains silent when his mother says, "I love you," has issues that go beyond having had a girlfriend who only said "Oh" when he expressed his love for her. Surely her cool response was hurtful. And if so, why would he repeat that behavior?

Under no circumstances should you move in with Louis "for the summer." He may say your relationship is like an oak, but I can't think of a surer way to create root rot in the relationship. Slow down. His inability to tell you he loves you may stem from the fact that he doesn't.

Louis' aunt dropped you a broad hint when she mentioned his grandmother's wedding ring. Do not move in with him until you are sure he intends to use it.

DEAR ABBY: I am well aware of the risks of smoking. However, I have chosen to take the risk and continue the habit. When I smoke, I do it only outside, away from others so I won't infringe on anyone else's health.

When people decide they need to lecture me on why I should quit, how should I politely respond that I don't need their advice? I will decide on my own when I am ready to quit and make the effort. I understand they are trying to help my overall health, but it's really none of their business. -- NOT READY TO KICK THE BUTTS IN KENOSHA

DEAR NOT READY: You're right -- it is none of their business. However, it takes genuine affection and concern to confront an addict about the risk of his or her addiction, so give them some credit for reaching out.

I find it sad that you're so hooked that you continue puffing away in spite of the knowledge that it may one day kill or disfigure you. But that said, when you are approached about it, simply repeat the first two sentences of your letter to me. That will get your message across. And when you do, please try not to breathe on them because it could be hazardous to their health.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, my husband and I adopted two siblings who have "special circumstances." The problem is my youngest child hates me and does everything possible to get me to leave.

Is it me she hates, or could it be her birth mother? She was 3 when she was removed from her birth parents and 6 when we brought her and her sister to live with us.

Do you think my child has forgotten how to love, or maybe she was never taught? -- TROUBLED MOM IN MINNESOTA

DEAR TROUBLED MOM: Not having met your daughter, I am unable to tell you what her problem is. However, I can tell you this: Before the situation goes any further, I urge you to have your little girl evaluated by a qualified mental health professional because that child's problem may not be an inability to love, but a bonding disorder.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Duane," had a serious drinking problem for more than 25 years. He has dried out. However, the past has come back to haunt us. His daughter, "Jackie," told me that when she was 2, Duane raped her. Jackie said she still dreams about wanting to kill him. I can't blame her, and I don't believe she's lying.

I do not plan to divorce Duane. I think Jackie's mother should have prosecuted him when it happened, but she failed her daughter just as my husband did.

Having been a victim of rape myself, I can relate to Jackie's pain. I was 6 when my dad began molesting me. I would like to be supportive, help to heal these wrongs and watch Jackie blossom into a wonderful, loving person -- a side of her she has already shown me she possesses.

I love Duane, but I'm not IN love with him. He can be a jerk sometimes. I think joint counseling might help. She and her brother both have terrible memories of "Dad." Since we've been married, we have had a child together.

How can I help mend their relationship and allow Duane to face up to what he did? Jackie suffers all the time because of it. This happened more than 30 years ago. -- "SAMANTHA" IN OHIO

DEAR "SAMANTHA": As well-meaning as you are, do not involve yourself in Jackie's healing process. She could benefit from professional counseling, but it should not be "joint" counseling until and unless she's ready for it.

Frankly, you could benefit from some counseling yourself. Cycles of abuse often repeat themselves in families, and by marrying Duane, you appear to have married a carbon copy of your own father/molester. Not knowing your husband, I do not know how much of a "jerk" Duane can be "sometimes." If you haven't already done so, you should talk to your own child about appropriate touching and ask whether he or she has been molested, too.

DEAR ABBY: Why do people think it's OK to go up to someone with long hair in a ponytail and pull it? I am currently growing my hair for Locks of Love. It makes me furious when people come up and jerk it. Not only is it painful, but isn't it a form of assault? What would be an appropriate response? -- HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW

DEAR HAIR TODAY: Pulling someone's ponytail is a childish impulse, and yes, it is a form of assault -- but probably not prosecutable. The proper response is, "Ouch! Don't do that again. It hurts!"

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