DEAR ABBY: Our 16-year-old son uses instant messaging, and we often "check in" on what he is saying and who he's speaking with. Although he knows we keep abreast of what he's doing online, he's obviously unaware of how much detail we have access to.

My husband and I know that our son is considering smoking pot and that his other friends do it occasionally. One boy in particular seems to be encouraging him to try it and is offering to provide it. This friend has dealt to others in the past.

We have a firm "parents have to connect" rule when our son wants to go to someone's house, to ensure that the teens are supervised. Our problem is, although the homes have parents "on duty," the friends are allowed to walk to town for a pizza. It's clear from reading the IMs that the boys are taking advantage of this loophole to get high.

How do I tell my son's friend's parents that their child is smoking pot and is the source for several others? -- AWARE IN LAWRENCE, MASS.

DEAR AWARE: Tell them in plain English -- and do it quickly. When someone is the source for others, in the eyes of the law it is considered "dealing," the penalty for which can be years in the pokey. And if you haven't already done so, inform your son that the penalty for smoking pot when -- not if -- you catch him will be severe.

Last February, I printed a letter from Marc Galanter, M.D., the director of alcoholism and drug abuse at New York University Medical Center. In it he said: "(W)e know that illicit drug use changes the developing brain. Many young people smoke pot before their brain development is settled, and their chronic use of the drug can affect certain centers in the brain that control emotion and reason.

"Research shows that regular use ... may also lead to mental health problems. Youth who use marijuana weekly have double the risk of depression later in life, and are three times more likely than non-users to have suicidal thoughts."

In light of Dr. Galanter's warning, it's time the other parents are made aware of what their teens are having with their pizza.

DEAR ABBY: When a friend asks for a ride from work to home, or home to work -- or anywhere, for that matter -- is it rude for the person to start adjusting the windows, volume on the radio, the thermostat, the sunroof, etc. without asking first?

I realize we are adults, but this is driving me crazy. -- JAY IN ALBUQUERQUE, N.M.

DEAR JAY: Many cars have child safety locks that prevent passenger windows from being operated or doors opened. Utilizing yours could solve part of your problem. However, many people do this when they enter a vehicle, and the driver doesn't mind. Because you do, speak up and say that you find it annoying, and I'm sure it won't happen again.

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter-in-law, "Carmella," speaks a foreign language with her parents and children while in our presence. We don't understand a word of these "private" conversations and have let her know that it makes us uncomfortable. We consider her behavior rude. Are we wrong to feel excluded? -- THE IN-LAWS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR IN-LAWS: Your feelings are not wrong. Unless Carmella's parents and children speak no English and she must translate for them, excluding you from the conversation is extremely rude.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm 12 and adopted. I have always known and have never felt less loved because of it. My mom always said that when you're adopted, you know that you are wanted and loved because nobody gets adopted by accident.

My 14-year-old sister, "Melissa," is our parents' natural child. We were always close, but lately she has decided to be mean to me and tries to hurt me by telling me that I'm not her "real" sister and our parents aren't my "real" parents. This hurts very much. If I cry, she thinks it's funny. She never says it in front of our parents -- she wouldn't dare.

Melissa used to tease me when we were alone in our room, but now she does it in front of her friends, who also laugh at me when I get upset and cry. Melissa would be in big trouble if I told Mom, but I'm afraid it will make her even meaner. I don't want to get her in trouble because, in spite of this, I still love her. I just want her to stop being mean and start treating me like her real sister again. Abby, what should I do? -- REAL SISTER IN TACOMA

DEAR REAL SISTER: Clip this and show it to "Miss Melissa." I have news for her. Parents who raise a child ARE "real" mothers and fathers. And you are as "real" a sister as Melissa is likely to get.

Her behavior is cruel, insensitive and immature. She's doing it because you have allowed her to get away with it. Give your sister one warning. Tell her that if she repeats that nonsense again, you will tell your "real" mother, who also happens to be HER mother. And if she's foolish enough to try it -- follow through.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my 20s and work as a cashier in a convenience store. One of my regulars recently won the lottery.

I am newly married and have a 7-month-old. We live with my in-laws, and we're dying to get our own place.

The lottery winner is somewhat good-looking, but about 20 years older than I am. Abby, he propositioned me -- if you know what I mean. He offered a large sum of money, which would help my family get our own place.

I'm confused. What do I do? -- DESPERATELY SEEKING MY OWN PLACE IN TEXAS

DEAR DESPERATELY SEEKING: You're not confused; your customer is. He may have won the lottery, but he's a loser. You are a cashier, not a prostitute. Tell him there are some things money can't buy -- and one of them is YOU.

DEAR ABBY: I participate in a depression forum. One question comes up repeatedly, and I have yet to find a decent answer.

What is the best way to answer someone who inquires about a self-inflicted scar? And are there ways to hide scars besides wearing long sleeves or pants all the time? Should we even feel that we have to hide them? -- GETTING BEYOND MY PAST IN HONOLULU

DEAR GETTING BEYOND: Because over the years I have heard from (and about) young people who have tried to cope with severe depression by cutting themselves instead of seeking the counseling they need, I am sure that question comes up with some frequency. The problem with "cover-ups" is sooner or later -- like scars -- the truth is exposed.

The honest answer to someone you trust is simply to tell the truth. For others, make light of the question ("Oh, those darn rose bushes ...") and steer the conversation to another subject.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my early 40s. I studied marketing and merchandising in college, but after graduation I chose to work in the family business. I married young, and my father hired my first husband so he could one day take over because I wasn't considered "man" enough to carry on this third-generation business.

I have spent the last 22 years learning this business inside and out. The employees respect me, and I have also gained respect within our industry. Although the number of women is still small, more and more women are involving themselves in this and related fields.

My day-in/day-out misery comes from my father. He is 72 and still works every day. He is old school. No matter how much money I make for this company or how much respect I gain from others, he will never acknowledge it. He constantly argues with me, and when he knows he's wrong, he walks out of the room. If I hear, "I have been doing this longer than you have" once more, I'll scream.

I would like to move on with my life -- meaning, get a new career. But being an only child in a family business that started in the 1920s, I feel trapped.

My ex- still works here, which is the company joke and the talk of the town. My birthday was last week, and Dad did not even wish me a happy birthday. Pretty sad for a man with one child he sees every day.

How can I find the strength to get on with my life? -- RUNNING OUT OF AIR

DEAR RUNNING: It shouldn't be difficult; consider the alternative. Your father will stay exactly where he is until he becomes incapacitated or dies -- whichever comes first. You have not once mentioned a succession plan that includes you.

If you want to wind up working for the "company joke," stay where you are. If not, put out some feelers regarding opportunities in your industry. You say you are respected. You might be pleasantly surprised to find there are some attractive options.

DEAR ABBY: How can I make my husband understand that eating out every Sunday after church is not only a waste of money, but also makes going out for special occasions not as important as they could be? I try to explain that we could do something besides eat out, but he only wants to do that.

We spend anywhere from $80 to $100 each week on dinner out. My husband puts it on a credit card. Now, I'll admit that I'm not that "up" on how credit cards work, but I know we'll have to pay them off eventually. We don't have the kind of money to splurge every week. How should I deal with this? -- TIRED OF EATING OUT, HAMPTON, VA.

DEAR TIRED OF EATING OUT: Have another talk with your husband. If he is able to pay his credit card bills in full every month, then you should stop worrying. If he is not, then you are living beyond your means -- a practice that has gotten many thousands of people in big financial trouble. And if that's the case, to assure your future you both need to agree upon a budget and reorganize your priorities.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)