DEAR ABBY: I have overbearing in-laws who refuse to let their children, all of whom are in their 40s, live their own lives. We are constantly forced to spend time with them by means of manipulation. We have all been under their thumbs for so long that when the opportunity presented itself for our family to start a new life in a different state, we jumped at the chance.

We're now in the process of moving and becoming our own family. We are thrilled with the thought of seeing everyone on our terms, not having to worry about splitting holidays, feeling obligated on Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays, etc. -- just finally breaking away and gaining our independence.

Here's the kicker: His parents have just told us they are going to purchase a "vacation" home in the state where we are moving! My husband doesn't have the heart to tell them it's not a good idea, so now I'm having second thoughts about going.

I am beside myself. Will it never end? I understand parents loving their children, but isn't there a time when you just let them grow up and have their own lives? I desperately need advice! -- READY TO EXPLODE IN THE ROCKIES

DEAR READY: Yes, it appears you do. Now that you realize that putting geographic distance between you and your in-laws isn't going to solve your problem, you and their son are going to have to learn how to tactfully draw the line and just say no.

I don't know how long you have been married, but the two of you should have set boundaries and declared some independence years ago. Running away from this problem was never the answer. I'm sure your in-laws love you, but developing your own family traditions is neither disrespectful of their feelings nor a personal rejection -- it's healthy. And that's what I recommend you do.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Roger," a wonderful man, for about a year. Our relationship has been stressful at times, but overall we're happy together and in love. My problem is his dog, "Lucky." Lucky is a one-man dog who barely tolerates my presence.

Anytime I hug or kiss Roger in front of Lucky, the dog starts barking and growling. Sometimes Roger puts him outside or locks the door so we can be alone together, but he says doing so makes him feel guilty because Lucky "worships him" and wants to be wherever he is.

Lucky doesn't like me around, and I'm uncomfortable around him. Roger knows it and still insists that the dog be wherever he is, even when it means we can't be "romantic" because of all the barking. He sees nothing wrong with Lucky's behavior. I think it's aberrant. Any ideas? -- DOG'S A DAMPER, BOWIE, MD.

DEAR DOG'S A DAMPER: Yes. I think ROGER'S behavior is aberrant. If he loves you, he should be willing to consult an animal behavior specialist for help in re-educating his dog and curbing his dog's aggression. As it stands, Lucky is a danger to you and anyone else who might enter his territory. Unless Roger is willing to act, you and he not only will have no privacy, you have no future.

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DEAR ABBY: I have just returned from visiting a close friend in the next town. She was exhausted from caring for her husband, who has terminal cancer -- but even more so from the many visits from loving friends and relatives around the country.

I experienced the same thing a few years ago, so I'm hoping you will help me to inform people of some basic rules for visiting families going through this profoundly trying experience.

-- Don't go for a "vacation," but rather to lend support -- and only if there is no objection.

-- Go healthy. Remember, the patient has no immunity after chemotherapy.

-- Provide your own transportation. Stay in a motel unless the home is large and the hostess has asked you to stay.

-- Keep visits short and positive. Long conversations are exhausting.

-- Provide food, preferably ready-cooked for simplicity, and do the cleanup.

-- Leave the house for periods of time (even a day or two) so the family can resume their medical routine.

-- Change the bed if you stay in the home. Remember, there is no maid service.

-- And last, require nothing of the family. There is nothing left for them to give.

Thank you, Abby, for letting me speak for so many. -- GOT IT OFF MY CHEST

DEAR GOT IT: Well said. I particularly like your recommendations to stay someplace other than the home, to keep visits short so as not to deplete the patient, and not to expect to be entertained in any way. In life-or-death situations, the normal rules of hospitality do not apply, so ask not what your hosts can do for you, but what you can do for them -- and abide by what they tell you.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old high school girl. I'm friendly, cheerful, religious and an honors student. I am also addicted to pornography.

Over the past few years I have been an on-again, off-again addict. I'll look, feel good, feel bad, swear never to do it again, stay clean for a few months and then start again.

A few months ago I told my mother what I was doing, and she agreed to monitor the situation. But I know how to delete my online history, so she doesn't know I'm doing it again.

I'm scared. I'm a virgin and would like to stay that way. But I'm starting to feel apathetic toward my grades, I'm thinking more about sex, I have lost respect for most of the opposite sex, and I'm one step from acting out.

If I tell Mom, I know she'll take away my computer. The best friends I have are online. I'll be isolated if she takes it away. I'm also not sure I want to quit looking. It makes me feel good and keeps me from being stressed, but my religion and the changes in my behavior tell me it's wrong.

I mentioned it to my school counselor once. She said I'm just "expressing my sexuality in my own way." Is she right? Or do I need help? What should I do? -- ADDICTED AND ASHAMED IN IOWA

DEAR ADDICTED: Forgive me for disagreeing with your counselor, but the problem with pornography is the distorted vision it gives viewers of what sex is really about. Addiction, by definition, is being consumed by and unable to stop a behavior. If you think you are alone in this problem, let me assure you that you are not.

Please tell your mother what's going on. You should talk to a licensed professional who has been trained in the treatment of addiction. This does not mean you must give up your computer -- simply moving it to a central location might help. But conquering your problem will take professional help, and I urge you not to wait to ask for it or you will find yourself in even more serious trouble.

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DEAR ABBY: I disagree with your reply to "Nicki in Maryland" (March 23), the retail saleswoman who is tired of being not only touched, but physically pulled about by customers.

Everyone has personal space, and this includes service industry employees. A light touch on the arm is one thing; to be pulled or regularly touched on the shoulders and hands is quite another. To suggest that Nicki tolerate such behavior to keep a customer, or find another line of work, is disappointing. Frankly, some customers are not worth keeping, or should be educated that retail workers are human beings who deserve to be respected as such.

Maybe Nicki likes her job. Why should she give it up because of the occasional behavior of the rude and insensitive? Perhaps the job works for her because of personal or school issues. Retail jobs often have the most flexible schedules.

As a former retail employee, I have many fond memories, but I also remember people from all levels of society who believe that we are somehow less than human, temporary slaves to be treated as they see fit, and subjected to all manner of poor behavior without recourse. -- BETH IN HAYWARD, CALIF.

DEAR BETH: You are entitled to disagree. However, I also suggested to "Nicki" that she review the company's policy on touching with her employer, stay out of arm's reach, and look for tasks in the store that involve less contact with customers. While some readers sympathized with her, others agreed with me. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: While I agree that Nicki's situation is one about which the supervisor should be made aware, I believe a firm, straightforward "Please don't touch me" is appropriate. I am a former food server. I contended with the problem on a daily basis. I also don't care to be touched by anyone I do not know. I feel that everyone has the right NOT to be touched. We as human beings need to respect this.

Nicki should, indeed, try to remain out of arm's reach as you suggested. That tends to work, as it makes the other person look foolish if they have to lean to grab you. -- CYNDI IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR ABBY: Retail employees have no less right to say "No" to unwanted physical contact than any other human being. Moreover, a corporate culture of respect for employees fosters a healthy work environment, which is far more important to sales than the retention of a single pushy, touchy-feely customer who does not respect employees. Happy workers, confident in the support of their supervisor, sell with smiles on their faces, rather than selling at arm's length in fear. -- CUSTOMER'S NOT ALWAYS RIGHT

DEAR ABBY: Perhaps "Nicki" isn't well aware enough of her surroundings. A conscious effort to train herself to be sensitive to who is around her or approaching her could solve her problem. Simply glancing up could give her a clue as to whether the person is coming to ask a question. As a result, there would be less reason for the impolite to reach out and touch her. -- ANDY IN LUBBOCK, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: Being touched by customers happens to go with the turf in any meet-the-public job. If Nicki can't accept this basic fact, she should find a job in accounting.

Friendly people make more sales, receive more tips and earn more money. Face it: Friendliness involves a certain amount of physical contact, and it's human nature to reach out to people you like. That's why successful businessmen make a point of shaking hands. -- ALLEN IN GRAND ISLAND, NEB.

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