DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from the reader (April 7) who was bothered by the use of youthful pictures of the deceased in obituaries. I have heard that criticism before, and it baffles me. People aren't just who they were at 84, the age when they passed.

What offends ME are obituaries that describe the person as "lovingly tending her tomatoes" or "a bingo devotee." Why aren't they described as the sum total of who they were in each stage of their lives?

All of us make a difference in the world each day because of our presence. And it's our whole lives that do it, not just the most recent few years. There are so many things on this Earth to criticize. A photograph that was chosen for someone's obituary should not be one of them. -- DONNA IN CONCORD, N.H.

DEAR DONNA: I agree. However, readers' views on this subject were varied. As one person pointed out, your obituary photo may be "the only time you get your youth back." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I discussed "Just Call Me Snapshot's" letter with my mother. She suggested that maybe the people in those pictures were the picture-takers in the family. I know I rarely appear in family photos because I am the one behind the camera. Perhaps a more recent photograph of the loved one doesn't exist! -- SUSAN IN BLOOMINGDALE, GA.

DEAR ABBY: The use of photos of the deceased in their prime is nothing new. Look at the death masks and statues from ancient Egypt. No one was depicted ravaged by time or illness. -- ROBERT FROM COLUMBUS, MONT.

DEAR ABBY: Your reply to "Snapshot" was that this is the way for a loved one to be remembered in his or her prime. However, I have a more correct -- and cynical -- answer. It's a larger source of income for the newspaper.

The fees for obituaries are exorbitant. A simple Sunday announcement can run more than $200. The "helpful" editors have all kinds of stock phrases they offer that increase the size of the ad -- and that's exactly what it is -- and bump up the cost. Grieving families often don't realize the cost until the bill arrives. Like "Snapshot," I find it ghoulish, just another way to soak the grief-stricken. -- PAID THE BILL, ST. LOUIS

DEAR ABBY: The reader who objected to people using old photos instead of recent ones in obituaries is obviously still young. When she looks at me she sees the white hair, the sagging skin and other signs of aging, but my image of myself is still youthful, dark-haired and fit. I would like to use a younger picture for my obituary -- it's who I am. -- SOMETIMES SHOCKED AT THE MIRROR

DEAR ABBY: The writer of that letter overlooks the 20-year-old photos of LIVING people that we see so often in print media. These people have also aged (as we all do), and frankly, the use of an outdated picture is an insult to our intelligence. I see as pure fraud putting forth an image that is not truthful. There oughta be a law. -- CANDID PHOTOGRAPHER IN THE PRESENT

DEAR ABBY: Wait a minute. I appreciate those old photos. They give me a glimpse into people's lives -- who they were, and who they became. It has also given me a sense of my own mortality. Those images remind me that I, too, am marching on, and I should spend time wisely and make every day count. -- ANOTHER PICTURE IN THE PAPER

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DEAR ABBY: I have a beautiful 3-year-old niece I'll call "Serena." She is my brother "Simon's" daughter. Serena is mildly autistic but has made amazing progress. We're optimistic that she'll be indistinguishable in a few years.

The problem is, Simon is adamant that he does not want our parents to know about Serena's condition. Mom and Dad are good people, but lousy grandparents. Simon thinks they would be judgmental toward him and would gossip about matters he would prefer be kept private. He might be right. But because he is keeping them in the dark, his relationship with them has deteriorated. Our parents haven't seen Serena since she was a baby.

Simon has threatened that if I tell our parents about Serena's autism, he will never speak to me again. That would cost me a relationship not only with him, but also with my niece. I have encouraged him to come clean, but he refuses.

What should I do? Should I stay out of it, or intervene? And is this kind of situation typical with families who have children with special needs? -- UNCLE WITH A SECRET

DEAR UNCLE: When a family member is diagnosed with a mental health disorder, some families consider it to be something shameful, and "circle the wagons" to hide it. While it is regrettable, this is the path your brother has chosen. Not knowing your parents' level of sophistication, I'm guessing he may be right about them and that he prefers to allow them into his daughter's life only after her problem has become "indistinguishable in a few years" -- if ever.

If you value your relationship with Simon, do not reveal his secret. Obviously he trusts you, or he wouldn't have taken you into his confidence. If you betray him, your relationship will never be the same.

DEAR ABBY: I come from a dysfunctional family. I was never close to my brothers and sister. About 10 years ago, I became friends with a gentleman I'll call "Eric." Our relationship is platonic -- we're like siblings. We "talk" almost every day by e-mail because he now lives out of state.

When I mention to my other friends that I have a male friend, I get a funny look because they assume Eric and I are having some kind of affair. They say men and women can't be friends without something sexual going on between them. When I tell them this isn't the case, they don't buy it. What can I say or do to get them to believe me? -- TELLING THE TRUTH IN OHIO

DEAR TELLING THE TRUTH: Nothing. So stop arguing. When someone tells you that men and women can't be friends without something sexual going on, that person is telling you something about him- or herself. Obviously, as you already know, there are no hard-and-fast rules governing friendship. Sometimes people have "good chemistry" and click -- and this happens with same-sex friendships as well as those with the opposite sex.

DEAR ABBY: Is it ever appropriate for a grandmother to expect payment to baby-sit her grandchildren? -- TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING

DEAR TRYING: It depends upon the situation and how much time Grandma is devoting to taking care of the children. If the grandmother needs the money, and the amount of time she's tending to the children interferes with her ability to earn a living and provide for her retirement, then by all means she should be paid -- and at least minimum wage.

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DEAR ABBY: My mother is very strict about the use of obscenities, so I don't use them at home. However, I have become close friends with "Mallory," and cuss words are part of her normal speech.

I have been to Mallory's house where swear words are normal among her parents and siblings. (Her parents are worse than she is in this regard.) I know it's not right, but it's the way she has been brought up.

Recently, Mallory spent the night here, and my mother heard her cuss. My younger sister was in the room. After Mallory left, my mother said she will not tolerate such "filth" and said Mallory is no longer welcome in our home, especially because she thought nothing of exposing my sister to such language.

Abby, Mallory is a loyal, caring friend. Her behavior is the result of her upbringing. I don't think it's fair to ban her from our house. I would ask her not to talk this way in our home, but I think she might slip up and sometimes forget. Have you any suggestions? -- TARZANA, CALIF., TEEN

DEAR TARZANA TEEN: While I understand your mother's point, if she thinks banishing Mallory will prevent foul language from reaching your sister's tender ears, she doesn't know what kids are saying in the halls of many schools today.

If you haven't already done so, level with Mallory. Tell her how offended your mother was at the language she used. It's important for your friend to know that while profanity may be acceptable in her home, there are places where it is deeply offensive, and your home is one of them. Then ask Mallory to call your mother and apologize. If she does, your mother may relent.

DEAR ABBY: A friend and I went to dinner at a local restaurant last night with our three young children. The oldest is 8; the other two are babies. We were seated next to a boisterous group of young women. As if their noise level wasn't enough, they proceeded to discuss certain bodily functions that are not appropriate for the dinner table, let alone a public place.

Needless to say, the impressionable 8-year-old got an earful and began asking questions. I had no idea how to answer him or to get the women to lower the noise level. How should I handle the situation should it arise again? -- OFFENDED IN THE DESERT

DEAR OFFENDED: You should get up, ask the host or hostess to seat you as far from the "distraction" as possible, and explain why. That way no more parties that include children will be seated next to them.

DEAR ABBY: I was held back a year in junior high school. Two years later I went and earned my G.E.D.

If I had stayed in school and not been held back, I would have graduated in 1981. (The extra year would put my graduation in 1982.) Which high school reunion should I go to? Or am I excluded from attending any reunions because I didn't officially graduate? Where do I fit in? -- MYSTIFIED IN OHIO

DEAR MYSTIFIED: Rather than asking where you fit in, consider in which class you had the most friends -- because that's the reunion you should attend. That gathering is where you will be more welcomed, even though you did not "officially" graduate with them.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)