DEAR ABBY: I gave birth to my fourth child a few months ago. (My oldest is 5.) I am now being pressured by my in-laws, who live in another state, to visit. They expect me to pack up the six of us and drive three hours to a house that is not child-friendly.

I have tried to be as accommodating as possible, and have traveled as much as I could with pregnancies and newborns to deal with. I am just not up to it this time. Would it be unreasonable of me to ask for a year's reprieve?

I would gladly throw open my doors to any and all who would like to visit and see the grandchildren, but traveling has become too much for me. I just can't go anywhere at this time. Why won't people understand? Why must I be constantly burdened with the guilt of disappointing others?

Can't they see that for me, traveling is no longer a "diversion" but a cumbersome undertaking? Or am I the one being difficult? -- GUILT-RIDDEN IN MARYLAND

DEAR GUILT-RIDDEN: Sometimes people become so used to the status quo that they overlook the reality that circumstances change. The time has come for you to quit trying so hard to be a people-pleaser. Tell your in-laws they are welcome to visit at a time of their choosing, but that with the arrival of your fourth child under the age of 6, travel has become too much for you.

And please do not feel guilty for speaking up. Your husband should support you on this -- unless he is willing to do his share of the packing, the driving and entertaining the children while they are en route.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man for a year. We love each other -- no question about that -- but when I tell him I'm IN love with him, he never responds. He says he doesn't know what that means.

He asked me to explain the difference between loving someone and being in love. He says it doesn't make sense to him. Please help me explain to him what it means to be in love. I need to know that he's in love with me, not that he just loves me. -- IN LOVE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR IN LOVE: If you have to explain to this wonderful man what it means to be in love, then I'm sorry to be the one to tell you he may not BE in love with you. While it's possible for a man or woman to "love" many people (and cats, and pizza and shiny cars), when someone is IN love, then only the object of that emotion will satisfy him or her. There is nothing unsure or doubtful about it, and no substitute will suffice.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I frequently receive birthday cards, Christmas cards and other mail that has been misaddressed. Today a thank-you note from "Carrie" to "Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Murphy" arrived at our address. Our name is Smith, and we have no idea who the Murphys are. Again, there was no return address to let the sender know the address was incorrect.

I do open these mailings, hoping there will be an address on the inside. When I return them to the post office, they just wind up in the dead-letter file.

Please remind your readers to put return addresses on their correspondence. -- RETURN TO SENDER, CATASAUQUA, PA.

DEAR MRS. SMITH: I'm pleased to pass the word along. However, you should not open mail that is addressed to someone else because to do so is against the law. The envelope should be marked "addressee unknown" and returned to the post office or to your mail carrier.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My younger sister "Marni" is 15 and paranoid about her weight because when she was younger she was teased about being fat. From what I have learned on the Internet, she may suffer from anorexia.

Marni barely eats most of the time, but occasionally she'll stuff herself and then get rid of it by throwing up in the bathroom. She has also started taking laxatives. We share a room, so I see her without her clothes on, and her body is wasting away. It's not obvious when she's dressed, but when she's undressed she's literally skin and bones.

Marni says she's "fine" and will stop her behavior "once she gets her weight down," even though she's already much too thin. She won't let me say anything to Mom, who doesn't seem to realize what's going on. What should I do? I know she needs help. -- ANXIOUS IN LEXINGTON, KY.

DEAR ANXIOUS: Marni is NOT fine. You should tell your mother immediately what she has been doing because her life could depend on it. Her distorted body image is not her fault. She needs professional help and should be seen by your family physician immediately.

Throwing up after meals and taking laxatives are symptoms of a severe, life-threatening eating disorder. As you probably learned online, anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.

Nearly 10 million women and 1 million men suffer from an eating disorder. The National Eating Disorders Association has many thousands of members and offers programs and information to support individuals, families and friends who have been affected by eating disorders. Its Information and Referral Helpline ((800) 931-2237) and Web site (www.nationaleatingdisorders.org) offer the latest information available on recognizing the early warning signs and getting quality treatment and support.

Eating disorders are treatable if caught in time, and recovery is possible. Marni is fortunate to have a loving sister who cares about her welfare, and I'm glad you wrote.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is 20 and finishing her second year of college. She lived in a dorm the first year and now shares an apartment in another city.

When she comes home for the weekend, do I have the right to expect her to follow a few rules while she's under my roof? She thinks she should be able to do whatever she wants since she is 20 and living independently while at college.

I think she should show us respect by abiding by her curfew (2 a.m.) and not spending the night with her boyfriend. I am tired of lying awake waiting to hear her come in so I'll know she's safe. What she does at school is different because I'm not so tuned in to her comings and goings, but when she's here, I worry.

Am I asking too much, or is she being inconsiderate? -- EXHAUSTED AND FRUSTRATED, HAMILTON, OHIO

DEAR E AND F: I think we both know the answer to that question. If your daughter were as mature as she thinks she is, she would understand that it's a parent's job to worry. She'd have more sensitivity and respect for your feelings, and be less centered on herself.

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DEAR ABBY: Our kids have decided not to have kids. Although we have no choice but to accept it, and would never express our disappointment or lay a guilt trip on them, we still have feelings about it. It's our biggest sadness.

All the people we know have grandchildren. At holidays they have toys to buy, cookies to bake, dinners to plan. Our friends and relatives tell us that because we won't have grandkids we can buy ourselves something extra-special. It doesn't make us feel any better.

An entire chapter of our lives will be missing. No one will call us "Grandma" or "Grandpa." Are our feelings legitimate, or are we whining about nothing? -- NOBODY'S GRANDMA

DEAR NOBODY'S GRANDMA: You are whining about something. However, if you feel left out because you won't be buying toys at holiday time, baking cookies and being called "Grandma" and "Grandpa," I have a suggestion for you. "Adopt" a needy family with small children and assume that role. You need only look as far as your nearest homeless shelter, program for abused women, or ask someone in Social Services to find one for you. I guarantee you'll be greeted with open arms and open hearts.

DEAR ABBY: My mother is a hardworking farm woman in her early 60s who never bothered to take care of her skin. She recently went through menopause, and now her face looks much older than her years.

Mom is a good person. Every wrinkle and laugh line has been well-earned. However, several people have made comments to her like, "What happened to you? You look terrible!"

How should Mom respond to this? I suggested she say with smile, "I'm getting old, and I look it!" She feels that would be too harsh. Do you have a more subtle answer for these insensitive people? -- PROUDLY AGING, READING, MINN.

DEAR PROUDLY AGING: There's an old saying: "It takes an enemy and a friend to hurt you to the core. The enemy to slander you, and the friend to get the 'news' to you." Your suggested response to the tactless individuals who would say such a thing to your mother isn't "harsh" -- it's right on target. If your mother tried for something more subtle, the people wouldn't get the message.

DEAR ABBY: My brother "Albert's" in-laws charge him and his new wife to attend family events. Example: When they are invited to the in-laws' lake house, they must bring $20 to cover the gas for the boat. Last Christmas they were charged $10 apiece for the family's annual shrimp boil, and $50 for a grandparent's birthday party.

The in-laws are not poor. They could well afford to host these events for their relatively small family. Albert and his wife, however, are newlyweds. They don't have a lot of spare cash. Nevertheless, their attendance at these family events is expected.

I believe to charge a guest money to attend a gathering like this is a social blunder. Albert says that's the price of marrying into the family. What do you think, Abby? -- PROTECTIVE SIBLING, NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR PROTECTIVE SIBLING: Considering the fact that the in-laws have money, the practice is certainly unusual. However, your brother knew what he was getting into when he married into this family, and you should M.Y.O.B.

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