DEAR ABBY: On Father's Day many stepdads are often underappreciated or excluded, so I wrote this poem to honor these unsung heroes. I hope you'll put it in your column, so my husband -- and other stepdads everywhere -- will know it was written for them. -- LESLEY STITT, ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR LESLEY: In these times when blended families are common, your tribute is clever, appropriate, and certainly worth space in my column. Read on:

NOT HER FATHER

Hey, it's really not "your day."

I just don't know what else to say

Because, you see, you're just a "step,"

You're not her dad -- you're just a "rep,"

-- A stand-in really, rest assured

You're only there to be endured.

Oh! Unless she needs a ride,

Or someone there to take her side,

And please have money you can lend;

'Cause that's when you will have a friend.

She's NOT your daughter, though, be clear;

You're not her dad, just someone here.

There's really lots for you to do;

And you get all the "good jobs," too;

You get to worry when she's late,

Pick her up from her late date,

Comfort her when she's in tears,

And try to calm her teenage fears.

And you will get to love her, too,

Even though she won't love you.

You'll get to care for her each day,

And see my daughter doesn't stray

From rules that you will get to make --

She won't admit they're for her sake!

She thinks stepdads just aren't "fun,"

You're just as boring as her mom.

You're only there (you must concede)

To see that she's got all she needs!

Father's Day? Nah, she won't bother

Thanking you -- you're not her father!

So let me do it in her stead,

As I have done since we were wed.

Thanks for all the things you do,

And all you are -- I love you, too.

Happy Father's Day.

DEAR ABBY: Our mah-jong group has three older women. Our fourth member died recently. We have three substitutes, one of whom wants to become the permanent fourth member. But she's rude and demeaning to one of the other substitutes, of whom she's apparently jealous. How do we tell "Troublemaker" we no longer want her to play, even as a sub? -- SEEKING HARMONY IN SCOTTSDALE

DEAR SEEKING HARMONY: It shouldn't be too difficult. Ask one of the other substitutes to become the permanent member, and I predict the insecure "Troublemaker" will "punish" you by becoming unavailable.

TO FATHERS EVERYWHERE -- BIRTH FATHERS, STEPFATHERS, FOSTER FATHERS, TOO: Happy Father's Day to all of you! In addition, I extend good wishes to those caring men who donate their time mentoring youngsters whose parents are absent or deceased. The most precious gift a person can give is a gift of self, and the difference you make is immeasurable.

P.S. To Morton B. in Minneapolis: Happy Father's Day, Pop!

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I gave birth to my fourth child a few months ago. (My oldest is 5.) I am now being pressured by my in-laws, who live in another state, to visit. They expect me to pack up the six of us and drive three hours to a house that is not child-friendly.

I have tried to be as accommodating as possible, and have traveled as much as I could with pregnancies and newborns to deal with. I am just not up to it this time. Would it be unreasonable of me to ask for a year's reprieve?

I would gladly throw open my doors to any and all who would like to visit and see the grandchildren, but traveling has become too much for me. I just can't go anywhere at this time. Why won't people understand? Why must I be constantly burdened with the guilt of disappointing others?

Can't they see that for me, traveling is no longer a "diversion" but a cumbersome undertaking? Or am I the one being difficult? -- GUILT-RIDDEN IN MARYLAND

DEAR GUILT-RIDDEN: Sometimes people become so used to the status quo that they overlook the reality that circumstances change. The time has come for you to quit trying so hard to be a people-pleaser. Tell your in-laws they are welcome to visit at a time of their choosing, but that with the arrival of your fourth child under the age of 6, travel has become too much for you.

And please do not feel guilty for speaking up. Your husband should support you on this -- unless he is willing to do his share of the packing, the driving and entertaining the children while they are en route.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man for a year. We love each other -- no question about that -- but when I tell him I'm IN love with him, he never responds. He says he doesn't know what that means.

He asked me to explain the difference between loving someone and being in love. He says it doesn't make sense to him. Please help me explain to him what it means to be in love. I need to know that he's in love with me, not that he just loves me. -- IN LOVE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR IN LOVE: If you have to explain to this wonderful man what it means to be in love, then I'm sorry to be the one to tell you he may not BE in love with you. While it's possible for a man or woman to "love" many people (and cats, and pizza and shiny cars), when someone is IN love, then only the object of that emotion will satisfy him or her. There is nothing unsure or doubtful about it, and no substitute will suffice.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I frequently receive birthday cards, Christmas cards and other mail that has been misaddressed. Today a thank-you note from "Carrie" to "Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Murphy" arrived at our address. Our name is Smith, and we have no idea who the Murphys are. Again, there was no return address to let the sender know the address was incorrect.

I do open these mailings, hoping there will be an address on the inside. When I return them to the post office, they just wind up in the dead-letter file.

Please remind your readers to put return addresses on their correspondence. -- RETURN TO SENDER, CATASAUQUA, PA.

DEAR MRS. SMITH: I'm pleased to pass the word along. However, you should not open mail that is addressed to someone else because to do so is against the law. The envelope should be marked "addressee unknown" and returned to the post office or to your mail carrier.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My younger sister "Marni" is 15 and paranoid about her weight because when she was younger she was teased about being fat. From what I have learned on the Internet, she may suffer from anorexia.

Marni barely eats most of the time, but occasionally she'll stuff herself and then get rid of it by throwing up in the bathroom. She has also started taking laxatives. We share a room, so I see her without her clothes on, and her body is wasting away. It's not obvious when she's dressed, but when she's undressed she's literally skin and bones.

Marni says she's "fine" and will stop her behavior "once she gets her weight down," even though she's already much too thin. She won't let me say anything to Mom, who doesn't seem to realize what's going on. What should I do? I know she needs help. -- ANXIOUS IN LEXINGTON, KY.

DEAR ANXIOUS: Marni is NOT fine. You should tell your mother immediately what she has been doing because her life could depend on it. Her distorted body image is not her fault. She needs professional help and should be seen by your family physician immediately.

Throwing up after meals and taking laxatives are symptoms of a severe, life-threatening eating disorder. As you probably learned online, anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.

Nearly 10 million women and 1 million men suffer from an eating disorder. The National Eating Disorders Association has many thousands of members and offers programs and information to support individuals, families and friends who have been affected by eating disorders. Its Information and Referral Helpline ((800) 931-2237) and Web site (www.nationaleatingdisorders.org) offer the latest information available on recognizing the early warning signs and getting quality treatment and support.

Eating disorders are treatable if caught in time, and recovery is possible. Marni is fortunate to have a loving sister who cares about her welfare, and I'm glad you wrote.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is 20 and finishing her second year of college. She lived in a dorm the first year and now shares an apartment in another city.

When she comes home for the weekend, do I have the right to expect her to follow a few rules while she's under my roof? She thinks she should be able to do whatever she wants since she is 20 and living independently while at college.

I think she should show us respect by abiding by her curfew (2 a.m.) and not spending the night with her boyfriend. I am tired of lying awake waiting to hear her come in so I'll know she's safe. What she does at school is different because I'm not so tuned in to her comings and goings, but when she's here, I worry.

Am I asking too much, or is she being inconsiderate? -- EXHAUSTED AND FRUSTRATED, HAMILTON, OHIO

DEAR E AND F: I think we both know the answer to that question. If your daughter were as mature as she thinks she is, she would understand that it's a parent's job to worry. She'd have more sensitivity and respect for your feelings, and be less centered on herself.

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