DEAR ABBY: "Sad Dad in Arizona" (May 2) wrote that he was concerned because his teenage son didn't want to attend his mother's funeral and preferred to remember her "the way she was."

Please tell Dad to contact his local hospice. Many hospices provide support counseling during this difficult time. We assign a social worker as well as a nurse and chaplain to each family who comes to us.

Hospice is here to help with everything that has an impact on the patient at this time. Please urge that family to get support now and not wait until the end. -- PAM, R.N., HOSPICE OF THE FLORIDA SUNCOAST

DEAR PAM: Your suggestion to seek the assistance of a local hospice is excellent. Readers, to locate your nearest hospice, please visit one of the following Web sites: � HYPERLINK "http://www.hospicenet.org" ��www.hospicenet.org� or � HYPERLINK "http://www.hospicefoundation.org" ��www.hospicefoundation.org�. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I was deployed overseas when my grandfather was diagnosed as terminal and passed away. Due to military regulations, I was not allowed to return stateside and attend his funeral.

The last time I saw my grandfather I hugged him goodbye and told him how much I loved him. (He had been like a father to me.) I was spared the grief involved in watching my grandfather buried, so I understand exactly where this young man is coming from in his desire to remember his mother alive, because that is how I remember my grandfather.

Please let "Sad Dad's" son know that while a living memory is a wonderful final memory to have, he will wish forever that he had been there to honor his mother. I'm in exactly the situation that he wishes to be in, and I would trade everything I have to go back and honor my family at the funeral. -- MATTHEW IN PORT GIBSON, MISS.

DEAR ABBY: I wholeheartedly agree with your reply to "Sad Dad." I was 19 when my mother died suddenly. Unfortunately, our father was not sensitive to my feelings and needs or those of my siblings. We were forced to not only attend our mother's memorial, but also to be greeters at the door of the church. Participating in the service did not provide us "closure" but additional trauma.

I fully support "Sad Dad" in allowing his son to decide whether or not he is comfortable attending, and I commend him for putting his child's needs before his own. -- STILL HEALING IN LIVINGSTON, MONT.

DEAR ABBY: Most funeral homes today will videotape the funeral. If the son wants to view it at a later date, it will be available to him. Also, encourage him to keep a journal of his thoughts or to write letters to his mother after she dies. It will help him to express his feelings. A local hospice may have a grief support group for youths that he may or may not wish to seek out.

Encourage him, but don't push. Be sure to have lots of love ready for him when he needs it, and let him do it his way, just as you will have to grieve in your own way. -- ONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE IN IOWA

DEAR ABBY: The statement that "funerals are good for people because they give a sense of closure" has some merit. However, many people do not think an open casket is either necessary or desirable. Tradition, encouraged by an active "funeral industry," perpetuates the practice.

Frankly, I prefer the living memories, and have found memorial services without a casket to be far warmer and uplifting. Do not be overly constrained by tradition; explore what others are doing. -- OLD DOC IN LOS ALTOS, CALIF.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with "Wade" for six years. The situation is this: He has gotten into trouble and can't be around children because he's a registered sex offender. I have an 11-month-old daughter by him. I want to be with Wade and work our relationship out, but if I do, I'll have to give custody of my daughter to my parents and live in my own place with him.

I'm in love with Wade, but I don't know if he loves or wants to be with me anymore despite the fact he keeps saying he wants to be with me. Am I being silly for still wanting to be with him? Your thoughts, please. -- CONFUSED AND TORN IN ILLINOIS

DEAR CONFUSED AND TORN: Wanting to be with someone you love isn't silly, but it's time for you to think maturely and realize the consequences of your decision. After six years with Wade, you are still single. You could be single forever.

When you became a mother, life stopped being all about you. Wade is a sex offender. What if you should become pregnant again? Is it fair to your parents to dump your daughter on them like an unwanted pet? What effect could it eventually have on the child? Do you fully understand that what you have in mind will isolate you from relatives and friends who have minor children?

While I can't dictate what you should do with your life, I can say you're heading in the wrong direction. Please step back and rethink this.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are unsure how to deal with this, so he suggested I write to you. We have lovely dining room chairs covered with celadon green fabric. In spite of the fact that I always use cloth napkins (and placemats and tablecloths), several of our guests have left large stains on the upholstery from dropping food or from their dirty hands.

The stains are very difficult to remove when we can get them out at all, and the chairs have become unsightly. Three of our most recent dinner guests left chairs stained. One mark covered most of the seat.

These guests are not heavy drinkers. How can we get them to keep their napkins in a position to avoid this? And how do we get them to keep their soiled hands off the chairs? Judging from the condition of their napkins, they ARE using them. -- UNHAPPY HOSTESS IN FLORIDA

DEAR UNHAPPY HOSTESS: Face it: Accidents happen, and you can't order your guests to wash their hands between courses. You need to accept that a home isn't a photograph in Architectural Digest. Wear and tear are normal.

If your chairs are stained beyond repair, the time has come to re-cover them. In your case, may I suggest Naugahyde the next time around?

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 12 years to the most self-centered man in the world. He's an astute businessman and a good provider, but when he comes home our conversations are always about him. The moment I start talking about things I think are important, he turns on his TV or shushes me.

I have told him many times how hurtful it is. I feel lonely and unimportant when the things I care about are pushed to the side. How can I get him to stop ignoring me? -- THE SILENT PARTNER

DEAR SILENT PARTNER: If after 12 years your husband still won't listen to you, have your lawyer talk to him. That should get his attention.

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to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband of three years, "Mike," is never home. He goes to work and then hangs out with his buddies, leaving me at home with our baby and my two other children until late at night. On weekends, Mike jumps out of bed, showers and leaves -- sometimes not returning until the wee hours of the morning. He says he's "with friends."

Most of the time he doesn't bother to call, but when he does I'm usually so mad I don't answer the phone. Mike says he "needs his time." Well, what about our time as a couple and as a family? I told him I feel like I'm running a bed-and-breakfast.

My friends say they think Mike has someone else. I'm not sure. This has been going on for a year and a half, and I am tired of it. He rarely agrees to watch the baby if I have to run to the store. When he's home, all he does is play video games.

Abby, Mike is 34 years old. I am 41. He has touched me only once in the last four months. I feel rejected, lonely and miss the closeness. What should I do? -- HOME ALONE IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR HOME ALONE: Your husband is behaving like an adolescent who has run away from home. The cause may be another woman, anger at you, an inability to shoulder mature responsibility or a combination of the three. But you won't get to the bottom of it until you can get a handle on your emotions, stop reacting with anger, and convince him to level with you. Believe me, you have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 17-year-old male. When I was in middle school, I was considerably smaller than the other guys, and as a result, I was often picked on about my size. Every year we were required to take a physical fitness test in P.E. My dismal performance in front of my classmates was a source of great embarrassment.

I'm now a junior in high school and participate in numerous varsity sports. Even though I am a competitive athlete, I am still insecure about my body. I constantly worry about my size -- that I am too fat or too small. I am never content about my body. How can I build my self-confidence? -- LAS VEGAS TEEN

DEAR TEEN: Begin by having a talk with your coach. If your body wasn't in good shape, you would not be in varsity competition.

Next, make up your mind to focus on other aspects of yourself besides the physical. Volunteer some of your free time to a charitable cause, helping younger kids with sports, or community activities. It will give you less time to obsess about your body, help you develop other interests and make you feel good about yourself.

If that's not enough, then talk to a counselor, because what you are doing is replaying "old tapes" in your head that have nothing to do with the person you are today.

DEAR ABBY: I dress my Siamese cat, "Belle," in clothes and pajamas. (Yes, they make apparel for cats.) I also push her around in a stroller. My friends think I'm crazy, but I consider Belle to be my daughter.

One time, a teenager came up to me as I was pushing Belle in her stroller and asked, "Where's the baby?" I told her that Belle was like my baby.

Is it nuts to treat a cat like a child? -- MOM OF A FUR KID IN N.Y.

DEAR "MOM": Nuts? No. A bid for attention ... perhaps.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)