DEAR ABBY: For the past six months I have been dating a man I'll call "Tom." Our kids adore each other, our parents think we're a great couple, and our friends love seeing us together. There's just one problem: He's married.

Tom's wife has been locked up for some time, and neither of us ever expected to fall in love. I asked him if he planned on telling her about us, and he said, "yes," because he can't lie about it to her. We've been very open about our relationship.

Now that she's out, I can't help but wonder what I was thinking getting involved in this relationship. Don't get me wrong, Abby. I love Tom deeply, and he feels the same way. His family has been telling him for months that he's crazy if he doesn't leave her. What should I do about this? -- NEEDS TO KNOW NOW IN VIRGINIA

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: I can answer that in one short paragraph. Cut off all contact with Tom until he decides that his marriage is over AND files for divorce. Then ask yourself, "Is it worth the gamble to marry a man with as little character as this one has shown?" To paraphrase Stephen Stills, "If he's not with the one he loves, then he loves the one he's with!" And that kind of person is very poor husband material.

DEAR ABBY: At 29, I guess I could be considered a late bloomer when it comes to dating. I'm trying to figure out how it all works and how to start meeting potential partners. I'm painfully shy around men, but am considering the option of joining some kind of group activity to broaden my acquaintances.

The idea of online dating seems much less threatening, and I know couples who have met that way. However, some of my co-workers have told me that online dating would be degrading and would put me -- and my emotions -- at greater risk than traditional dating. What would you advise? -- DATING ROOKIE

DEAR DATING ROOKIE: You should do both. Joining one or more group activities will give you a chance to polish your social skills and learn to relax around men. And considering the fact that you're starting late, it's a skill that may take a little time to acquire.

You should also check out the Internet social and dating sites. Meeting people online is not degrading, and I have not only heard from readers who met online and married, but also know personally several couples who met that way and are very happy together.

DEAR ABBY: What is the word on men wearing baseball caps into a fairly nice restaurant and not taking them off? I think it is rude, and ruder still for them -- and women are guilty of this too -- to dress like they just finished mowing the lawn. How do you feel about this? -- DRESSED UP IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR DRESSED UP: People who wear baseball caps in upscale establishments show a lack of pride in their appearance and an ignorance of good manners. In an effort to promote business, many restaurants have relaxed or done away with their dress codes.

Because there is nothing you or I can do to change it, rather than let it ruin your dining experience, you have two choices: Direct your attention only to what's going on at your own table, or patronize a restaurant that has a stricter dress code.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 30-year-old woman who has battled compulsive eating and binge eating since my teens. (Yes, I still have a weight problem.) I see a counselor and am trying to find solutions that work for me.

My problem stems from well-meaning friends and family who try to send me home with leftovers when I visit them. Because I am single, they think I would like a home-cooked meal. I politely refuse these offerings, but my hosts keep insisting I take food until I give in just to avoid additional argument.

How can I convince them I can't take the offer without offending them or revealing my "problem"? -- STUFFED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR STUFFED: It's difficult for me to believe that family and close friends are completely unaware of a problem with which you have struggled since your teens. However, if that's the case, thank these loving saboteurs and tell them you have more than enough food at home and don't want to waste anything by having more than you can use. If that doesn't deter them, offer the food to a neighbor or someone who might need or enjoy it. But under no circumstances should you bring it into your house if it will trigger a binge.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my early 50s and have great difficulty driving at night. My daughter says my problem is a "lack of confidence." I say my problem is being unable to SEE.

One night I had to pick up my son outside city limits, and I was scared. I couldn't read the street signs and had difficulty telling how far out of town I was and how close to him I was getting. I didn't have my cell phone with me and couldn't call him.

To me, this vision problem at night could be just as dangerous as driving drunk. Would you please give me your opinion -- is this all in my head? -- GAIL IN TEXAS

DEAR GAIL: Yes and no. Because your eyes are located in your head -- on that score you are correct. However, your problem is your vision, not an overactive imagination.

The person to tell you exactly what is causing the problem with your night vision is an ophthalmologist -- an M.D. who specializes in diagnosing and treating diseases of the eye. He or she can also tell you whether it is correctable or if you should refrain from driving after dark because driving blind is, indeed, as dangerous as driving drunk, and I don't recommend it.

DEAR ABBY: I have a close friend, "Janelle," who is 15. I'd like to spend time with her, but her parents are very strict. They don't allow Janelle to go anywhere without one of them. They let her hang out only with a few girls from their church.

I am neither a member of her church nor a girl, but I am also 15 and I'd like to be able to make plans with her. Is there a way I can convince her parents to let us see each other? -- WISHING IN PEORIA, ARIZ.

DEAR WISHING: When parents are as hyper-protective as Janelle's seem to be, there probably isn't. However, if you begin making friends with Janelle's friends, it's possible you can spend some time with ALL of them. It's just a thought.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been depressed for years, and at times I cut myself. My mother sent me to counseling, but it didn't help much.

For a while, I was more or less happy. I had my boyfriend, school wasn't too much of a problem, and I was having fun. But lately, I've felt really stressed and depressed, and I got back into my old habits.

Unfortunately, I cut myself in front of my boyfriend. He got mad and left. He said: "You act like a crazy person. You apologize, but you never change. You never mean anything you say. To heck with this!"

I seriously considered suicide. The urge was so strong it scared me, so I took my razors and threw them away. Then I called a friend who's having similar problems, and we talked. She helped me realize that maybe I hurt myself for attention or pity, and I can control acting like that. She said my boyfriend really loves me, and if I cut myself I'm cutting him -- and her. Later it occurred to me that I was a little mad at him, and maybe I do this to myself to get back at other people, too.

I don't want to lose anyone (myself included) over this stupid drama. I want to stop hurting everyone and deal with my feelings, whatever they are, in a healthier way. Psychologists haven't helped, but I need something to keep my head on straight. How can I change for good? How do I change my whole way of thinking? I know I need to -- I just don't know how. -- WANTS TO STOP IN DENVER

DEAR WANTS TO STOP: You are asking intelligent questions. To me, they indicate that you are ready to be completely honest and accept the help you so desperately need. When people hurt so badly inside that they inflict pain upon themselves to distract themselves, they need more help than a layperson can give them. It's time to consult a licensed medical professional.

I don't know why your sessions with the psychologist weren't helpful. Perhaps you weren't seeing the right person or you weren't ready. Now that you are, ask your doctor for a referral -- preferably to someone with experience with cutters. You may need medication to help maintain your chemical balance, but it's important to talk out your need to hurt others by turning your anger on yourself. Once you fully understand it, you'll have a better chance of controlling the impulse.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 23-year-old woman who needs advice on how to find female friends. My family moved a lot when I was a child. By the time we settled down, I was in high school and realized to my dismay that it was too late. The other girls already had friends and social groups and weren't looking for more.

The same was true when I went to college and met my roommates. I'm out of school now and haven't had a female friend in years. It can be very lonely. Where can I meet women my age who still want to make new friends? -- FRIEND-CHALLENGED IN GLENDALE, CALIF.

DEAR FRIEND-CHALLENGED: Select an activity you enjoy -- or think you would like to learn about -- and pursue that interest. Some suggestions that come to mind would be to join a gym where you'll meet other young women, or special-interest groups such as cooking, sewing, knitting, quilting or scrapbooking. And, of course, there is always that old standby: volunteering for a charity or cause. You will always find interesting women involved in volunteer work. Give it a try.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)