DEAR READERS: When I printed the letter about cheating in school from "Valedictorian Contender" on May 27, my staff and I were deluged with mail. If you're interested in what folks had to say, here is a sample:

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently retired from teaching at a highly rated, competitive Midwestern public school. Cheating was rampant, from copying homework to text-messaging during tests in the classroom. When confronted, the cheaters were surprised and usually asserted that "everyone else does it." And they were right.

Cheating occurs in the classroom, in sports, in extra-curricular activities and in the hallways, and has become more acceptable among students than ever before. Teachers are practically powerless to control it; administrators seem to have no idea how to handle it. Parents don't want to get involved for fear of angering their children, and a strong leader may be "asked" to back down from pursuing it.

My husband and I tried many times to make students understand that what they were doing or thinking was wrong and needed to be corrected, only to be met with an incredulous stare, a sneer perhaps, and then, "Can I go now?" We began asking ourselves that same question and realized last year that WE "could go now" -- and we did. More of our time was spent trying to teach moral values and ethics and less was spent on the required curriculum.

You were right when you said people's codes of ethics have taken a nosedive in the last decade. It's rampant in every aspect of life as you mentioned. But when it's rampant in our schools, it eliminates any chance of fixing it for coming generations. -- RETIRED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR ABBY: In recent years it seems cheating is encouraged by parents. I have seen it when teaching Sunday school to seventh-graders. The father of one of the Scouts in our local Scout troop even called cheating "just a form of competitive advantage."

For a long time I have carried a quote in my wallet that is my favorite saying: "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." The person who said it was the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. -- TONY S., NEW MILFORD, CONN.

DEAR ABBY: After teaching in public and private schools for 44 years, I believe that most students are honest the majority of the time. However, I would advise "Valedictorian" to pay attention. Make mental notes of the names of her classmates who cheat every chance they get. Do not forget who they are. She will be meeting them all the rest of her life.

If they go into business, shop elsewhere. If they become bankers, put your money elsewhere. If they go into the service industries, get your car or your teeth repaired somewhere else.

Above all, do not let your siblings marry one of them -- marriage is the biggest "test" of all. -- E.B., LINDEN, ALA.

DEAR ABBY: Your reply to "Valedictorian" was, as usual, on target. The notion of (personal) responsibility is another "R" that should be taught in school. -- WAY TO GO IN MONTANA

DEAR WAY TO GO: Thank you for the kind words, but I beg to differ. Responsibility for one's actions should be taught in the home, by example, by the parents. Readers, more on this tomorrow.

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DEAR ABBY: For the past six months I have been dating a man I'll call "Tom." Our kids adore each other, our parents think we're a great couple, and our friends love seeing us together. There's just one problem: He's married.

Tom's wife has been locked up for some time, and neither of us ever expected to fall in love. I asked him if he planned on telling her about us, and he said, "yes," because he can't lie about it to her. We've been very open about our relationship.

Now that she's out, I can't help but wonder what I was thinking getting involved in this relationship. Don't get me wrong, Abby. I love Tom deeply, and he feels the same way. His family has been telling him for months that he's crazy if he doesn't leave her. What should I do about this? -- NEEDS TO KNOW NOW IN VIRGINIA

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: I can answer that in one short paragraph. Cut off all contact with Tom until he decides that his marriage is over AND files for divorce. Then ask yourself, "Is it worth the gamble to marry a man with as little character as this one has shown?" To paraphrase Stephen Stills, "If he's not with the one he loves, then he loves the one he's with!" And that kind of person is very poor husband material.

DEAR ABBY: At 29, I guess I could be considered a late bloomer when it comes to dating. I'm trying to figure out how it all works and how to start meeting potential partners. I'm painfully shy around men, but am considering the option of joining some kind of group activity to broaden my acquaintances.

The idea of online dating seems much less threatening, and I know couples who have met that way. However, some of my co-workers have told me that online dating would be degrading and would put me -- and my emotions -- at greater risk than traditional dating. What would you advise? -- DATING ROOKIE

DEAR DATING ROOKIE: You should do both. Joining one or more group activities will give you a chance to polish your social skills and learn to relax around men. And considering the fact that you're starting late, it's a skill that may take a little time to acquire.

You should also check out the Internet social and dating sites. Meeting people online is not degrading, and I have not only heard from readers who met online and married, but also know personally several couples who met that way and are very happy together.

DEAR ABBY: What is the word on men wearing baseball caps into a fairly nice restaurant and not taking them off? I think it is rude, and ruder still for them -- and women are guilty of this too -- to dress like they just finished mowing the lawn. How do you feel about this? -- DRESSED UP IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR DRESSED UP: People who wear baseball caps in upscale establishments show a lack of pride in their appearance and an ignorance of good manners. In an effort to promote business, many restaurants have relaxed or done away with their dress codes.

Because there is nothing you or I can do to change it, rather than let it ruin your dining experience, you have two choices: Direct your attention only to what's going on at your own table, or patronize a restaurant that has a stricter dress code.

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DEAR ABBY: I'm a 30-year-old woman who has battled compulsive eating and binge eating since my teens. (Yes, I still have a weight problem.) I see a counselor and am trying to find solutions that work for me.

My problem stems from well-meaning friends and family who try to send me home with leftovers when I visit them. Because I am single, they think I would like a home-cooked meal. I politely refuse these offerings, but my hosts keep insisting I take food until I give in just to avoid additional argument.

How can I convince them I can't take the offer without offending them or revealing my "problem"? -- STUFFED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR STUFFED: It's difficult for me to believe that family and close friends are completely unaware of a problem with which you have struggled since your teens. However, if that's the case, thank these loving saboteurs and tell them you have more than enough food at home and don't want to waste anything by having more than you can use. If that doesn't deter them, offer the food to a neighbor or someone who might need or enjoy it. But under no circumstances should you bring it into your house if it will trigger a binge.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my early 50s and have great difficulty driving at night. My daughter says my problem is a "lack of confidence." I say my problem is being unable to SEE.

One night I had to pick up my son outside city limits, and I was scared. I couldn't read the street signs and had difficulty telling how far out of town I was and how close to him I was getting. I didn't have my cell phone with me and couldn't call him.

To me, this vision problem at night could be just as dangerous as driving drunk. Would you please give me your opinion -- is this all in my head? -- GAIL IN TEXAS

DEAR GAIL: Yes and no. Because your eyes are located in your head -- on that score you are correct. However, your problem is your vision, not an overactive imagination.

The person to tell you exactly what is causing the problem with your night vision is an ophthalmologist -- an M.D. who specializes in diagnosing and treating diseases of the eye. He or she can also tell you whether it is correctable or if you should refrain from driving after dark because driving blind is, indeed, as dangerous as driving drunk, and I don't recommend it.

DEAR ABBY: I have a close friend, "Janelle," who is 15. I'd like to spend time with her, but her parents are very strict. They don't allow Janelle to go anywhere without one of them. They let her hang out only with a few girls from their church.

I am neither a member of her church nor a girl, but I am also 15 and I'd like to be able to make plans with her. Is there a way I can convince her parents to let us see each other? -- WISHING IN PEORIA, ARIZ.

DEAR WISHING: When parents are as hyper-protective as Janelle's seem to be, there probably isn't. However, if you begin making friends with Janelle's friends, it's possible you can spend some time with ALL of them. It's just a thought.

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