DEAR ABBY: I am a high school teacher who has been encountering some problems with my students.

I admit my personality is rather bland. My favorite flavor of ice cream is vanilla; my favorite color is beige -- you get the picture. I am also aware that I speak in a monotone. My students won't let me hear the end of it.

I know I should enforce discipline, but I don't seem to have any control over my students. They blatantly ridicule my clothing and my voice. Sometimes I even feel bullied. I try to ignore it, but it doesn't seem to end. The entire class participates and finds it hilarious. What can I do to control my students? -- TRYING HARD IN TENNESSEE

DEAR TRYING HARD: The first thing to do is talk with the other educators in your school about your inability to enforce discipline. They may be able to offer some valuable suggestions. You should also explore whether the school district offers any classes in assertiveness training. If it doesn't, then please give serious consideration to changing careers, because you are not only shortchanging yourself but also the students you have allowed to turn you into a doormat.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old gay man. Five years ago, when I was 18, I became involved with "Jeff," an older married man. My mother worked second shift in a hospital, so I was almost always alone after school. Jeff would spend an hour or two with me three times a week while I was in high school, and spent more time in my apartment when I was in college. He also contributed $6,000 toward my college education.

Now that I have graduated and am working, Jeff has offered me $20,000 as a down payment on a house three doors down from his. He says it's a gift, not a loan. I know there would be no legal obligation to repay him.

I love Jeff, but in five years, when his youngest child is in college, if he doesn't leave his wife, I'll be ready to move on. Would I be ethically obligated to repay him if I left?

Jeff is a very successful businessman. He can well afford to send all five of his children to college, even after having given me this gift. He has told me repeatedly that the last five years with me have been the best years of his life. If I spend another five years with him, he will have had the best 10 years of his life for a $26,000 investment (or about $50 a week). Am I being selfish or smart? -- CLOSETED IN INDIANA

DEAR CLOSETED: Neither. In five years, unless you want to look at yourself in the mirror and see someone who sold himself for $50 a week, do not accept the money and move in practically next door. I will offer the same advice to you that I would to a woman in your position. There is little dignity in being someone's secret lover. And the chances of your being hurt if you accept the money are greater than the payoff you're hoping for.

DEAR ABBY: My husband sometimes does not say goodbye when he ends a conversation on the phone. I feel it is extremely rude, but when I say so, he just jokes about it, which I also consider rude.

What can I do to make my husband realize that he needs to say "goodbye" when ending a phone conversation? -- MIFFED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR MIFFED: OK, your husband isn't perfect. However, it's important to carefully pick your battles in a marriage. If this is your husband's worst flaw, you are lucky. Let it go. I'm sure his finer qualities overshadow this lapse in phone etiquette.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife of 25 years has been talking on the phone with a married man who lives in a city 300 miles away. They chat for more than an hour a week. Our cell phone bills indicate that this has been going on for more than a year.

I have decided there is nothing to gain by confronting her with this information, but every few months I wonder. She has never talked to me about him. There is no way she has been able to see this man during this time, but I wonder why she hasn't mentioned that she has a "phone pal."

At least she got him to stop calling the house and hanging up when I answered. (She noticed I looked at the caller ID.) Any suggestions? -- SUSPICIOUS IN COLUMBUS

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: I sure do. With cell phone statement in hand, ask your wife who she has been talking to for the past year and why she never mentioned it to you. Something IS obviously going on, and you have a right to know the truth. If you aren't satisfied with her answers, call the phone number yourself. The longer you ignore the problem, the deeper in trouble your marriage will be.

DEAR ABBY: For the past week I have been remodeling my home. Workers have asked to use my bathroom, which is a problem for me as I feel it is an invasion of a personal, private space. I feel they should have a porta-potty in their vans or find a public toilet nearby.

Am I wrong? I hate saying "no," but I feel my privacy is stolen. -- PRIVACY, PLEASE, IN MONTANA

DEAR P.P.: Call your contractor and ask that a portable toilet be provided to the workers on your job. However, if that's not possible, rather than telling the people remodeling your house to find a public toilet, I'm advising you to relent. Happy workers do better work, regardless of what field they're in. And when work is being done in my home, I not only allow workers to use the "facilities," I also offer them a cold drink on a hot day. (Hint, hint.)

DEAR ABBY: I just got back from one of the best vacations I have had in my life. It was relaxing, and I had a blast. Do you think it's weird that I went on that vacation alone with my father-in-law?

His son, "Blake," and I have been married for 14 years, and I have been around the family for more than 20. I met Blake when we were both in high school.

Before the trip, Dad and I got negative comments when the upcoming vacation was mentioned. Was it "inappropriate"? Or are the people saying so jealous they don't share a close relationship with their in-laws?

Blake and my mother-in-law were fine with the idea. Dad had fun telling people we met on the trip that I was his "secretary." We laughed about it -- but when we told them I was his daughter-in-law, they looked perplexed.

I love my in-laws as if they were my own parents. What's your take on our vacation? I am 37. -- "BLONDIE" IN JACKSONVILLE, FLA.

DEAR BLONDIE: Your letter is a first. I would have to say the situation is unusual. However, because the trip was taken with your husband's and your mother-in-law's blessing, and nothing untoward occurred -- then "evil be he (or she) who thinks evil of it."

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am an 18-year-old male, and every day I face judgment, cruel remarks, disapproving stares and other harassment.

The reason? I want to be a tattoo and piercing artist. I currently have one tattoo (which my shirtsleeve covers) and more than 20 piercings. Eight of the piercings are in my face, and most of the others are in my ears. My main ear holes are stretched out to a half-inch.

I can't walk down the street without hearing some comment, or someone stopping and staring, slack-jawed. Even friendly inquiries are becoming irritating. I'm passionate about tattoos and piercings and have been since childhood. I chose my piercings to balance each other and create an art form on my face and ears.

At school I was judged and stereotyped at the beginning of each year and would go out of my way to prove I am a nice, respectable human being with feelings. Now, with a new school term approaching, how can I get people to stop judging me and asking dumb questions like, "How bad did that hurt?" -- FUTURE SKIN ARTIST, PORT HURON, MICH.

DEAR FUTURE SKIN ARTIST: You have chosen to look different, so you shouldn't be surprised at the staring and the questions. The sooner you realize it and learn to answer the questions without being defensive, the better your chances will be of being accepted.

P.S. Perhaps in the future you should consider moving to Los Angeles. In this town everyone has seen almost everything, and people who are different are less shocking.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Daryl" for four years. We're very much in love and usually get along well. The problem is I'm a scheduled-oriented person. I like to plan ahead what we're going to do and what time we're going to do it.

Daryl, on the other hand, hates schedules and sometimes flat-out refuses to commit to something because he "doesn't want to be tied down" to one.

I have tried to be more flexible, and I think Daryl has tried to bend a little for me, too. However, I'm worried that this issue will eventually come between us. I don't want to break up with him over it because I really do love him, and this seems like a petty thing. Please advise. -- CLOCKING IN FROM ILLINOIS

DEAR CLOCKING IN: Your concerns are not petty. I don't know how "loosey-goosey" Daryl is, but men who "refuse to commit" and "don't want to be tied down" are often not only extremely disorganized, but also confirmed bachelors.

You and Daryl have been dating for four years. Please give serious consideration to whether this is the way you want to spend the rest of your life, because your differences will be a constant source of friction.

DEAR ABBY: Could you please tell me at what age a person can claim to be a senior citizen? Also, at what age is one considered a senior citizen in a restaurant? -- OLD ENOUGH? IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR OLD ENOUGH?: I have known some people in their 20s, already jaded with life, who were "older" than many vibrant people in their 80s who claim to be 80 years "young." Years ago, individuals were considered to be seniors at 65. But then, to the disconcertment of many, AARP began soliciting people at age 50. It seems the age of eligibility for "seniorhood" dropped as they became a financial demographic that attracted marketers.

The specific age to qualify for seniorhood isn't carved in granite -- as you will find in various restaurants and movie theaters. Start asking around and you'll see what I mean.

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