DEAR ABBY: Would you please tell your readers that not reciting or participating in the Pledge of Allegiance does NOT mean that someone is a "bad American"?

For religious reasons, I cannot say the Pledge. I sit quietly while it's recited, but unfortunately, others can't keep quiet about my silence. They make a scene and begin interrogating me -- especially at sporting events. Others have better manners, but still insist that I stand in "respect" -- but standing IS participating.

Abby, I have been punched, kicked, cursed at and spat upon, often in front of my children. People scream about their war records or their soldier relatives. Well, I have kin "over there," too. Please do not assume that non-participants are bad people. They might even be Canadian! -- SILENT SUPPORTER, BENSON, N.C.

DEAR SILENT SUPPORTER: Thank you for a letter that may educate those who do not understand that reciting the Pledge of Allegiance does not automatically make them more patriotic -- or better Americans -- than those who do not. Physically or verbally attacking someone because the person doesn't conform is not a sign of patriotism. It's a symptom of intolerance, and should get the guilty parties tossed out of the events.

For anyone who may not already know, Quakers do not take oaths -- even in courts of law -- nor do they salute religious symbols. The person remaining silent (and seated) when the Pledge is recited could also be a member of a religion outside the Judeo-Christian matrix, or even a member of a certain sect of Buddhism.

Dear Abby advice for the day: When in doubt, keep your mouth shut.

DEAR ABBY: I am in desperate need of your wisdom. Recently I went out of my way to help my sister get a very good job. She's always down on her luck and seems to get laid off for no good reason.

Well, now that she's working with me, it's crystal clear why she can't keep a job more than a few months. She's in her late 20s, but acts like she's still in high school. Each morning she describes every intimate detail of her adventures from the night before. She calls in sick frequently, then goes on and on about her health conditions, most of which are so far-fetched they are impossible to believe.

I have tried to speak casually with her about saving her stories for break time, but she doesn't "get it." Now there are rumors that she will be fired soon. Because we don't work in the same area of the office, I figured I was OK, but today I overheard co-workers discussing what a mess she was. How do I protect what is left of my credibility and fix this nightmare? -- HUMILIATED IN OREGON

DEAR HUMILIATED: Your sister appears to be not only immature, but also suffers from an exaggerated need to be the center of attention. Her work ethic could also use some retooling.

While she may be an embarrassment to you, she is not a reflection on you or your career. When she's gone -- and if the rumors you're hearing are accurate, you should start the countdown now -- speak privately to your bosses and apologize for any inconvenience your sister has caused them. That's all you owe them.

If your sister should ask, and only if, then tell her why she was let go. But casually hinting around won't change her, and she may have to learn these lessons the hard way.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband's best friend of 40 years, "Nick," started dating a woman about a month ago. Nick has been down on his luck personally and financially for several years. He called and asked if he could bring "Hattie" to our home for dinner. We agreed, hoping it would be a good relationship for him.

Within 15 minutes of meeting her, Hattie told me she was bipolar and suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder. She has two small children, but when I asked where they were, she changed the subject. Nick doesn't have kids, and he's nearly 50.

When Hattie asked me for something to drink, I offered her tea or soda. She took the soda, then said she preferred beer and wine, and did I have any. I poured her a glass, then she asked for a second and proceeded to drink 2 1/2 bottles of wine. Later, she told me she had a "headache" and asked if I had anything for pain. I offered Tylenol. No, she wanted something with a "kick." Needless to say, they didn't stay long after that because she was looking for prescription medication, and we had none.

My husband told Nick that Hattie was not the type of woman he needed. Nick shrugged off my husband's advice of not seeing her anymore. Personally, I don't want that woman at my house again. If Nick calls and wants to bring Hattie around again, how should we say no? -- BEST FRIEND'S WIFE

DEAR WIFE: Don't say no. Suggest that the four of you go out for dinner and make it a short evening.

DEAR ABBY: When I was in high school I was involved in a car accident that took the lives of two of my friends. I was driving. A deer ran out in front of my car, I swerved to miss it and hit a tree. I was wearing a seatbelt, my friends were not.

The police ruled it an accident. My friends' parents believed me, but because of the comments and physical attacks from my classmates I dropped out of school at 17. I got my GED and moved on -- or so I thought -- until two weeks ago, when I received an invitation to my 20-year reunion.

A handwritten note was enclosed from a girl whom I had thought was my best friend back then. (She turned her back on me when the rumors started.) Her note read: "Come. PLEASE come. I want to see you. We all do."

I don't know what to do. First of all, I dropped out. Second, there will be people there that I do not ever want to see again. My husband and my parents are pressuring me to go. My husband says it will bring me "closure," and my parents say I will look guilty if I don't go. Please help me decide. -- REUNION WORRIES

DEAR REUNION WORRIES: Pick up the phone and call the woman who sent the note. You are not the same person you were 20 years ago, and neither are the classmates who treated you so cruelly. You are now an adult, and you will have your loving husband beside you.

As to "looking guilty" should you choose to stay home -- you weren't guilty when the accident happened and not attending won't make you seem guilty now. If you attend, do so because you have unfinished business. The choice, of course, is yours, but I think you have more to gain by going than you have to lose.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My 31-year-old son calls me only when he's in need of something -- like bailing him out of jail. He never calls just to say hello or ask how I am.

My problem is my guilt feelings. All I can think of is that he's my son and I need to help him. In the meantime I am losing sleep, don't eat right and ignore the rest of my family. How can I help my son and not ignore the rest of my family? -- DISAPPOINTED MOM IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR MOM: Your son will never learn the consequences of his actions unless you stop bailing him out and giving him money. You may think you need to "help" him, but what you are doing ISN'T helping him. It's allowing him to continue to live irresponsibly.

Talk to your spiritual adviser, talk to your husband, consult a psychologist if necessary. But change your focus, because you're directing your attention away from the people who really need you -- and that's the rest of your family. And I'll bet in return you'll get the kind of attention you need.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl. My parents own a small business, and I have to work there every day. The only time I get to see my friends is at school or if they visit me. I know my parents are trying to protect me, but I think I'm old enough to take care of myself. They promise that if I do my chores I can go see my friends, but after I have finished, they change their minds.

I think they are trying to keep me from having a normal lifestyle. Please help me. -- CAGED BIRD IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR CAGED BIRD: Do your parents know and approve of your friends? Do they know their parents? Do they know where you will be going, how you will get there and back, and whether there will be supervision? Are they confident they can trust your word and that you will be back when you say you will be?

If the answer to these questions is "yes," then I agree, your parents are being overprotective. And further, it is wrong of them to make a promise to you and then break it. After all, trust works both ways.

DEAR ABBY: I have been placed in an uncomfortable situation at my new job. One of my co-workers, "Wade," has begun planning monthly potluck and brown bag lunches where he shares religious videos and asks everyone to pray with him. I saw this time as an opportunity to get to know my new co-workers, but I do not share his religious beliefs, and I'm offended by the message.

I don't want to seem rude to my fellow employees by declining invitations each month, but I don't want to have religion forced on me at social gatherings. What would be an appropriate thing to do in this situation? (By the way, I work at a religiously diverse state university.) -- CONFLICTED CO-WORKER

DEAR CONFLICTED: You mistook your co-worker's religious outreach project for a social gathering. Graciously and consistently decline the invitations. If you are pressed, say that you prefer to do other things on your lunch break. You may find others feel similarly once you draw the line.

P.S. If you are made to feel uncomfortable about your choice, report it to the university's human relations department.

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