DEAR ABBY: When my wife, "Kiki," and I married three years ago, I had been divorced for 11 years, and she had been widowed for eight.

The problem we're having is she continues to want to spend the holidays with her deceased husband's family. They are nice people, but I don't feel comfortable with it. Kiki and I have talked about starting our own traditions, but she insists that she doesn't want to cut those ties. Sometimes I feel like I am living with a ghost.

I have spoken to other members of her family. They have agreed that she needs to cut those ties, but my wife is stubborn about changing her holiday routine. Your thoughts on this, please? -- LIVING WITH A GHOST IN KANSAS

DEAR LIVING WITH A GHOST: You didn't mention how long your wife was married before she was widowed, but it seems that it was long enough that she became part of her in-laws' family. Please don't take that away from her. If you give them a chance, I am sure they will accept you as part of the family, too.

Of course, the solution to your problem lies in compromise. Not every holiday should be spent with the former in-laws -- but that doesn't mean you couldn't alternate. And that's what I recommend you do until you establish different traditions.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I'll call "J.D.," who is being abused by his father. It started after his mother died, when J.D. was 6.

I have known about the abuse for some time, but it recently went to extremes. J.D. called another friend, crying, asking for the number of a suicide hotline. I called J.D. the next day asking if he was all right, and he said that despite almost stabbing himself, he was fine.

I am really concerned, but I can't tell anyone. If I do, it might get back to his father who will take it out on him. J.D. insists that he doesn't need help, even though he hates his father and is hit regularly. It kills me to see my friend this way. Please give me some advice on what to do because I am truly confused and concerned. -- TRUE FRIEND IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR TRUE FRIEND: Some secrets are meant to be kept, and others are not. When you know that someone is in so much pain he or she is talking about committing suicide, it is time to see that person gets help. You can do that for J.D. by telling your parents, a teacher or counselor at school or your cleryperson. Educators and the clergy are mandated by law to report physical abuse when they know it is going on.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 21-year-old working part time at a grocery store as a checker and a bagger. I make $7 per hour. Part of my job involves helping customers carry groceries out to their vehicles. I have never expected any compensation for this service, and I have always politely refused any tips that are offered.

Unfortunately, some of these tipping customers can be very insistent about giving me money. One woman even asked me if I felt that I was "too good" to accept a gift from her!

I really don't feel that I should be tipped like a waiter, but I also don't want to get into a verbal scuffle. What would be the best way to turn down a tip in cases like these? -- TONY IN TOPEKA

DEAR TONY: When someone offers to tip you, it's usually because they feel you have "gone the extra mile" to be of assistance. There are two ways to handle a customer who persists in offering one after you have refused it. The first is to accept the money graciously, in the spirit it was offered. The second is to tell the person that it is "against company policy."

DEAR ABBY: I don't want to make my friend "Ryan" mad, but he does something that makes me feel weird. When we go to the mall to hang out, he always wants to go to the big stores. You know those dummies on display wearing clothes? Well, Ryan likes to feel them up! He thinks it's cool to go up to a female dummy and feel her breasts.

When he does it, he giggles. People stare and I have to leave. I told Ryan I don't like it. He says, "Whatever ..."

Ryan is my best friend. Is what he does natural for a 13-year-old? I like looking at real girls on the beach. He says that's boring, and he'd rather feel up the store dummies. What's up with that? What should I do? -- BILLY IN GALVESTON

DEAR BILLY: Your friend is very immature. He is both attracted to girls and afraid of rejection. That is why he is acting out with department store mannequins who cannot tell him, "Stop that, you fool. Get away from me!"

You are right to leave when he creates a scene like that. You don't want other people to get the idea that you get your kicks that way, too, do you?

DEAR ABBY: Our mom had a major cow when she found out that my sister and I are wearing thong underwear. We buy and wash our own clothes, so Mom didn't realize it until the other day when she walked in on us while we were getting dressed.

Well, Mom says it's "sinful," if you can believe that, and she has forbidden us from wearing them. But Abby, it's what all the girls wear these days, so if we're sinners, so is everyone else. We'll be the only girls in the locker room not wearing thongs, and we'll look really stupid. Do you see anything wrong with thong underwear? -- SAN DIEGO SINNER?

DEAR SINNER?: No, evil is in the eye of the beholder. But frankly, I have never understood the thong underwear fad. For many decades women have struggled to keep their panties from bunching up exactly where the thong is designed to go -- and the feeling is really uncomfortable.

Readers, I'm taking a poll on this: Thongs "up" or thongs "down"? What do you think?

DEAR ABBY: Because I arrived late to an opera performance, I was forced to sit in the designated section for latecomers. Seated next to me was an attractive young lady with whom I had a pleasant conversation as we watched the televised first act. Afterward, of course, we took our assigned seats.

It is difficult for some of us art and opera lovers to find compatible friends with shared interests. My question is, do genteel younger women consider it foolishly ill-mannered, disturbing or offensive to be impetuously invited by an older, single gentleman (age 47) for an after-performance dinner or cocktail? -- GIL IN HOUSTON

DEAR GIL: Heck, no! And stop calling yourself old. It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings.

DEAR ABBY: "Silent Supporter, Benson, N.C." (Aug. 26) cannot say the Pledge of Allegiance because of religious reasons. I support his or her right not to participate. However, I disagree with "Silent's" interpretation that standing is participating.

I work overseas in a U.S. Department of Defense school attended by students from 13 NATO countries. Every morning, the Pledge is recited and the non-American students stand respectfully. By standing, they are not pledging their own allegiance but behaving appropriately while those who choose to participate do so.

I do not believe that standing during the Pledge, or a similar pledge in any other country, implies consent or support. Standing quietly and allowing others to participate shows respect for the citizens, nation and our right to believe as we choose. Remaining seated is, in my opinion, disrespectful on many levels. -- MAUREEN IN MONS, BELGIUM

DEAR MAUREEN: Your point is well-taken, and interestingly enough, many readers agree with you. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I think "Silent Supporter" may be confusing the Pledge of Allegiance with the singing of the National Anthem at sporting events. Standing is a sign of respect, not one of commitment. If sitting causes others to react unfavorably, simply show up a few minutes after kickoff or the first pitch. That way, no one will have any problems with you and your beliefs. -- LET'S PLAY BALL IN AUSTIN, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I am a Quaker. We also find oaths, including the Pledge of Allegiance, contrary to our Quaker faith and practice. However, we still stand silently, considering it to be politeness, not participation. -- TOM IN REDWOOD CITY, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: On Flag Day, June 14, 1943, right in the middle of the greatest patriotic war in history, the U.S. Supreme Court passed a resolution, which is still in effect today, that no man, woman or child shall be required to stand for or salute the flag of this country, or to stand for the singing of the National Anthem. Anyone who berates another for not standing or participating in either is denying that person his legal rights as given by the U.S. Supreme Court. Therefore aliens, visitors, religious believers and dutiful citizens have the right to stand, salute and sing -- or NOT. -- NATIVE AMERICAN CITIZEN AND WWII VETERAN

DEAR ABBY: Remember the saying, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do"? A person who does not stand draws the attention and the ire of the crowd. Far better to arrive after the ceremony and avoid a scene. -- QUIET BYSTANDER IN N.C.

DEAR ABBY: As an educator, I teach all of my students to stand for the Pledge, whether they participate or not. If they are entering a room or a stadium, they should stop walking and remain still as a sign of respect.

I am not a person unto myself but a part of a larger community. "Respect" should cross all boundaries that divide us. Whether one chooses to be respectful or not should not even be questioned. Having said that, however, those who taunted "Silent" should remember that respect goes both ways. -- BEV IN STEILACOOM, WASH.