Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I am a 33-year-old man who has never been in a serious relationship until now. I have been seeing "Stephie" for eight months and think I may be in love with her.

I have successfully managed to evade Stephie's questions about my past and got away with it until recently. She keeps asking me about the scars on my body. (I was physically abused by my parents when I was a child.) Regrettably, I lied to her about the nature of the scars.

Stephie wants to be married and start a family, and so do I. She wants her kids to have a great dad, and I think I can be a very good parent. I would never do to my kids what was done to me.

On the one hand, I want an open, honest relationship with her. On the other, I'm afraid if I tell her the truth she will leave me, and I'll spiral into another five-year depression I may not be able to escape from.

My parents are both dead now, so I could continue to lie without Stephie ever knowing. But I get the feeling she doesn't entirely believe what I've been telling her. What should I do? -- SURVIVOR IN OHIO

DEAR SURVIVOR: Because you are discussing a future together, it's time to level with Stephie about everything. That you would not want to discuss this painful subject at the beginning of a relationship is understandable. But please do not continue the deception.

You should also explain to Stephie about your period of clinical depression. If she's going to marry you, she has a right to know your medical history.

Yes, telling her may be risky. However, if she loves you, she will accept you just the way you are. And if she isn't up to the challenge, it's better to find out now before becoming any more involved.

P.S. If you feel that a breakup could trigger another round of depression, it is important that you talk to a psychotherapist NOW. The abuse you suffered in childhood may have left emotional scars as lasting as the physical ones, but with therapy you may be able to heal.

DEAR ABBY: I'm not sure how to react to something a friend of mine recently told me. We have known "Lois" and her husband for more than 30 years. They no longer live in this city, but visit occasionally. When they do, we always invite them to stay in our home.

On their last visit, Lois was talking about her only child, "Deidre," whom I have always liked. Lois, out of the blue, began chuckling and then told me that Deidre does a good imitation of me. Lois sat there giggling for a few minutes, then said that Deidre sounded almost as much like me as I do. I made no comment.

Frankly, I was taken aback that someone would do an imitation of me. I got the impression that Deidre has been doing my "act" for a while, and I found it disturbing. My husband says it's a form of flattery, but I think it's demeaning. I also think impersonating someone for the amusement of others -- especially if the person is not around -- is rude. What do you think? -- JOKE'S ON ME IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR J.O.M.: I think you should have asked your friend Lois to clarify her remark at the time she made it. But because you didn't, bring it up the next time you talk to her and let her explain what was so funny.

Personally, I think such imitations are often a form of ridicule and are unkind.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old, happily married girl, but I have a problem. My 15-year-old cousin "Rayleen" likes my husband. She calls his cell phone at all hours of the night, and last week she sent him a letter telling him that I was cheating on him (a lie!) and that when he decides to get a divorce from me, if he wants a "real woman" to give her a call.

Rayleen has always had a thing for older men, but this time she has just gone too far. I know my husband loves me and would never believe her, but I'm not sure how to tell my cousin to stop. I don't want to be mean, but she can't have him. -- FURIOUS IN ALABAMA

DEAR FURIOUS: It appears that no one ever taught your hormonal cousin that there are boundaries that should not be crossed. You should not be the person telling Rayleen to cool off and face reality. That message should come from your husband, as he tells her to stop calling and stop writing nasty letters because he already has a real woman -- his wife.

P.S. And the letter should be turned over to Rayleen's mother because right now your cousin needs some parenting a lot worse than she needs a man.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 23-year-old guy who, due to money problems, credit card bills and student loans, recently moved back with my parents. Before I moved in they made me agree to a written contract that included no drinking, no smoking of any kind, a midnight curfew, getting a job and stating that once I move out I can't move back in again.

I get what they're trying to do, but I feel like they are treating me like a child. I only agreed to the terms because I was desperate.

I have abided by all the rules, but they still are suspicious of me breaking the contract after five months under their roof. I want to move out, but I am still unable to do so. What can I do to make this situation better? -- DESPERATE IN ARIZONA

DEAR DESPERATE: Your parents may have insisted on the stipulations of the contract because of something that happened before you first moved out on your own. Because they feel strongly about drinking, smoking and the curfew, the best advice I can offer is to obey the rules, avoid arguments and save your money until you can earn enough to become independent again.

DEAR ABBY: With the economic problems so many people are having, I thought I'd share a holiday gift suggestion with you.

Years ago, I realized my nephew was receiving more toys than he could ever enjoy, so I gave him a Christmas ornament instead. He was only 5 or 6 at the time, so I'm not sure he really appreciated it then. However, as more nieces and nephews came along, I continued the tradition of giving them ornaments.

They all grew to treasure their personal ornaments and took great delight in having something of their own to hang on the tree each year. -- DAVID S. IN MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR DAVID S.: Thank you for sharing a wonderful idea. I'm sure that now your nieces and nephews are grown, hanging those ornaments on their own trees has special significance.

I knew a woman years ago who used to craft gorgeous Christmas tree ornaments using Styrofoam balls decorated with ribbons, sequins and beads. They were special not only because of the love and work she put into them, but also because they were entirely unique.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I hope "Mother With a Secret" (Sept. 3) will speak to her children about the half-brother they don't know about.

I was given up for adoption at birth and was raised by a wonderful mom and dad. After my oldest son was born, I wanted more information about my birth parents' history. My parents understood and helped me obtain the information. It has now been 26 years since I reunited with my birth mother and six half-siblings.

Although my birth mother had not told anyone about me before I contacted her, by the time I met her in person, she had told all her children about me. The sky didn't fall, and the earth didn't crumble. Instead, we became friends, sisters and brothers -- all of whom I love dearly.

As it turned out, I inherited a disease that both my biological parents have. I found out only because I asked to be tested after they told me. Because I was diagnosed early, I will be fine. Some secrets should not be kept. -- LUCKY DAUGHTER

DEAR LUCKY: I agree. I have always advocated for an adopted child's right to know if he or she has a genetic predisposition to any illnesses.

While you were "lucky," readers' opinions on the subject were mixed. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Except for some medical need to know, have you considered that the adopted child may not have been told about the adoption, or that he might not WANT to be found? As an adoptee, I have been approached by strangers claiming kinship. I know enough about my irresponsible birth parents to not want to know any of their kin, no matter how "respectable" they may seem. Not all of us want to be found. -- 'OLD CURMUDGEON' IN OREGON

DEAR ABBY: While I was moving my ill mother from her home to live with me in another state, she told me that Dad was not my birth father. I was stunned. I asked a lot of questions, and thought I had learned everything I needed to know.

After she passed away, I did some checking on my own and learned that not only did my birth father live a half-hour from where I grew up, but that I had a half-brother and four half-sisters. No one knew about me. I also found out that I am only five months older than one of his daughters. The whole situation caused me a lot of grief and affected the entire family, especially my father's wife, who is still living.

There are a lot more questions that I have now, but I will never get the answers because Mom is gone. I urge "Mother With a Secret" to tell her kids now -- while they can hear the whole story straight from her lips. -- UNRESOLVED IN ALABAMA

DEAR ABBY: I liked your advice to "Mother," but I feel strongly she should tell her children now. They will have questions for sure, some of which may not be answered in a letter to be opened after her death.

Unfortunately, my mom didn't leave us a letter to read after she was gone. The adopted child found us, and we all have questions that will go unanswered because the adoption happened almost 35 years ago, and Mom passed away three years ago. I wish she was still here to answer the many questions I have, as well as those of my half-sister who has recently become part of the family. -- WISH MOTHER HADN'T KEPT A SECRET

DEAR ABBY: Adoption should be a celebration, not a secret. The reality is that adoption is a miracle that blesses the lives of all who are involved.

I commend "Mother" for the decision she made many years ago. I pray her son was raised knowing the truth about his birth, and that if she decides to share her "secret" with her other two children, she will be able to find a sense of healing. -- ADOPTIVE MOTHER OF TWO