Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I am happily married, but all my life I have yearned for a close and sisterly relationship with my mother and my sisters. We are very different people, but a kind and understanding female relative is what I have always wished for.

They send me unsolicited advice, including articles about physical and mental health, diet pills and clippings on finances, etc., but we don't seem to be able to sustain good conversation, with listening or encouragement. I sometimes think people get so wrapped up in trying to "fix" others that they don't see the true beauty that lies within.

I have expressed my feelings to them about wishing we could be closer, but was told that sisterly affection is a "myth." Unfortunately, I don't fit in with my husband's family, either. Family issues seem to be the recurring theme of my life. It's depressing.

I work full-time, do charity work and have good friends outside my family, but I still long for a closer relationship with my family. Is there a way to let go of old dreams and wishes? With the holidays here, I have difficulty getting through this time without a bad case of the blues. -- MISSING SOMETHING IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MISSING SOMETHING: Forgive me if my response has a "bah, humbug" tone, but has it ever occurred to you that your mother and sisters may be incapable of being the kind of idealized family that you would like to have? If they didn't care about you, they wouldn't send you unsolicited advice, articles on physical and mental health, diet pills and financial planning. They may think what they're doing is a demonstration of their love and concern for you.

The surest way I know to "let go of the old dreams and wishes" is to concentrate on the here and now and the blessings you have in your life -- a solid marriage, a good job, caring friends and the ability to help those less fortunate. Christmas and New Year's can be a taxing time for those who are emotionally vulnerable. Because these holiday blues happen every year, some sessions with a licensed mental health professional could help you break that cycle.

DEAR ABBY: When I come home and my girlfriend is there, I greet her with a cheerful "hello" or "good morning." Her usual response is somewhere between a grunt and a sniff.

If I am home first and she walks in, she will immediately launch into a conversation without giving me a greeting. I have tried explaining to her that her behavior makes me feel like she isn't happy to see me. But when I tell her it hurts my feelings, she accuses me of trying to "control her."

She always gives her co-workers and friends a nice, friendly greeting when she sees them. Am I being too sensitive? I feel I deserve a similar acknowledgment if I take the time to be cordial. -- SHORTCHANGED IN GEORGIA

DEAR SHORTCHANGED: You're not being overly sensitive, and asking to be treated with warmth and courtesy isn't being controlling. Your girlfriend appears to take you and your affection for granted.

If there are other problems in your relationship, perhaps it's time to step back, take a cool and rational look at how you are being treated in other areas, and decide whether it is in your best interest to continue it.

DEAR ABBY: I have begun dating a woman I find very attractive. I'll call her "Rita." We have many things in common, and she's a lot of fun to be with.

The only thing that troubles me is that after 12 years of being divorced, Rita is still very much involved with her ex. Most of their children are grown. One is a senior in high school, and an older child still lives at home.

Her ex is allowed free access to her home, mostly to see the kids -- and comes and goes at will. They travel together to family functions and to visit children who live in other parts of the state.

Rita recently had her hair styled differently and told me she was annoyed that her ex didn't seem to notice. When he comes to her house to cook for the kids, he leaves the kitchen a mess, which she apparently cleans up.

Do you think Rita has gotten past the divorce? What would you say the odds are of having a successful relationship with her? -- DAZED AND CONFUSED IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR DAZED AND CONFUSED: That depends upon what you would consider a "successful relationship." Apparently, Rita's divorce was a very amiable one, and the ex is still a part of her and the children's lives. This can be considered a plus or a minus, depending upon how you feel about a package deal -- because it appears that is what you'll be getting if you become serious about Rita.

DEAR ABBY: I have a "pennies from heaven" story you might appreciate. My best friend, "Darrel," was a smoker who collected quarters. His apartment had two distinguishing features -- stacks of quarters and the smell of secondhand smoke. Because we were both busy people, we had seen each other only twice in about a year, but maintained a phone and e-mail friendship.

I had planned a trip out west to spend time with family and had e-mailed him about it. Unbeknownst to me, Darrel had been very ill, and he died the day I sent the e-mail. I learned about it while I was in transit to my destination. There was nothing I could do. I had no way to get to his funeral and no way to say goodbye.

When we reached our hotel -- part of a smoke-free chain -- my husband and I opened the door to our room and were greeted by a familiar odor. It smelled just like Darrel's apartment! And when I walked to the dresser to unpack, two quarters were sitting on top. It was then that my husband and I agreed that Darrel had stopped to say goodbye on his way to heaven. -- QUARTERS FROM HEAVEN

DEAR QUARTERS: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your friend. I'm glad you received some comfort in your time of need. However, it's entirely possible that the guest who occupied the room before you broke the rules and puffed away in a room that was supposed to be nonsmoking. I hope you notified the front desk so you could be switched to other accommodations, and the room could be thoroughly cleaned and deodorized to prevent someone with a sensitivity to smoke from walking in and experiencing a severe allergic reaction.

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DEAR ABBY: I'm a 38-year-old woman who has been dating a 32-year-old man I'll call "Vinny" for three months. When I realized that I had developed strong feelings for him, I decided to ask him what his feelings were about our friendship and where he saw it going. Keep in mind, Vinny has no children, and I have two from a previous marriage.

Vinny told me he has developed feelings for me, too, but that he wants to have children of his own someday. I respect and understand his honesty. He also said he was scared, and that in the past, when he has felt he was getting too close to someone, he would pull away. That suggests to me that he is commitment-phobic.

My problem is, Vinny continues to call me several times a day and every night before he goes to bed -- although we have not been spending as much time together as we have in the past. Am I wasting my time? Should I start dating other people? I care a lot about Vinny and would like to be with him. -- BEWILDERED IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR BEWILDERED: Frankly, the questions you are asking me should be directed to Vinny during one of your daily or nightly conversations. If he's serious about wanting children of his own and you are not interested in having more, that could present a serious problem. If you ARE interested, then there is also the issue of your biological clock.

That said, you and Vinny have known each other only three months. You may have been premature in asking him to declare his intentions so quickly. However, if you weren't on his mind, you wouldn't still be hearing from him. And if he is interested in playing the field, then so should you.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Jade," and I went to college together and now, years later, we live in different parts of the country. She just married a man ("Paul") with whom she is deeply in love, and I am happy for her. At the same time, though, I feel sadness because I do not like Paul. He is cold and curt with me, and seems to be devoid of personality. I feel uncomfortable in his presence.

Because we always stay at each other's homes when we visit, going to see Jade now, of course, means having to be around her husband -- and I dread such a trip. If I tell her I don't like Paul, you can imagine how upset she'll be. Should I simply announce that from here on out I'll be staying at a hotel when I come to visit? -- LOVES HER, NOT HIM

DEAR LOVES HER: By all means. Your visits will no longer be two college friends getting together because a third person has been added to the mix. From your description of Paul's behavior, he isn't particularly comfortable around you either. And if Jade should give you an argument -- as she may -- that's the way you should explain it to her.

DEAR ABBY: I frequently dine out for business meetings. What is the proper way to react when someone asks you a question and you have just taken a bite of food or are in mid-chew? I feel I must acknowledge them, but I don't want to talk with my mouth full. -- FOOD FOR THOUGHT, FORT COLLINS, COLO.

DEAR F.F.T.: Hold one hand up, palm outward. Continue chewing and swallow your food. Point out that the person "caught you with your mouth full," and then answer the question.