Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I work 5 1/2 days a week (46 hours) with no benefits. I can't afford to miss a day because, on the rare occasion that I must, I don't get paid.

My wife, "Kelly," misses work frequently because she is "sick," "tired," etc. She is in the same boat as I am -- no work, no pay. Kelly knows how tight finances are and how much I hate having to work almost six days with no time off. But she still misses work and treats it like it's no big deal. She says she understands our situation.

I would like to go back to school and get my degree, but I'm afraid to rely on Kelly to pay the bills while I'm in school. I am so frustrated with my wife because of her work ethic that I feel like exploding and screaming at her. How should I handle this situation? -- HARD-WORKING TEXAN

DEAR HARD-WORKING: In the difficult economic environment we're experiencing, many companies are taking a hard look at their expenses and scaling back. Among the ways they are doing this is by laying off employees. Your wife is playing "chicken" with her job. It should not be necessary to scream at her -- just remind her what a fix you will both be in if she should become unemployed.

It might be wise for you to postpone furthering your education until the economy -- and your finances -- are more stable.

DEAR ABBY: I am 13 and in seventh grade. I sit with a group of nice people at lunch, except for one. "Grady" insults us, cries, yells at us for minor things, and has come right out and said he sits with us only because he likes to annoy us. Once, he started crying on purpose so we would feel bad and sit with him.

We have tried moving to a different table, ignoring him and being unpleasant so he wouldn't want to sit with us. Most of us have known Grady all through grade school, and we have had enough of his crying and yelling at us for no reason. We just want our space. Do you have any suggestions on how to get Grady to leave us alone? Most of us have classes with him, so avoiding him is not an option. -- WANTS SOME QUIET TIME

DEAR WANTS: Grady may be immature for his age, or he may have emotional problems. If you haven't already done so, bring his behavior to the attention of a teacher or a counselor at school. You have described a child who has serious difficulty fitting in, but with counseling from an adult he may be able to adopt more appropriate behavior.

DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away 26 years ago. After her funeral, I gave her diamond engagement ring to my daughter, "Emma." Since then Emma has had two husbands and two more diamond rings, plus several others with various gemstones to match outfits. As far as I know, she has never worn my mother's ring.

I would like to spend my last years honoring my mother by wearing her ring. I am now 82. It would, of course, be returned to Emma when I die. Would it be all right to ask for that privilege? -- SENTIMENTAL IN COLUMBIA, S.C.

DEAR SENTIMENTAL: Of course it would be all right to ask. However, bear in mind that when you gave your daughter your mother's ring, it became hers to do with as she wished. Her response to your query will tell you volumes about the daughter you raised.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: Allow me to wish all of you a happy Festival of Lights!

DEAR ABBY: I am happily married, but all my life I have yearned for a close and sisterly relationship with my mother and my sisters. We are very different people, but a kind and understanding female relative is what I have always wished for.

They send me unsolicited advice, including articles about physical and mental health, diet pills and clippings on finances, etc., but we don't seem to be able to sustain good conversation, with listening or encouragement. I sometimes think people get so wrapped up in trying to "fix" others that they don't see the true beauty that lies within.

I have expressed my feelings to them about wishing we could be closer, but was told that sisterly affection is a "myth." Unfortunately, I don't fit in with my husband's family, either. Family issues seem to be the recurring theme of my life. It's depressing.

I work full-time, do charity work and have good friends outside my family, but I still long for a closer relationship with my family. Is there a way to let go of old dreams and wishes? With the holidays here, I have difficulty getting through this time without a bad case of the blues. -- MISSING SOMETHING IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MISSING SOMETHING: Forgive me if my response has a "bah, humbug" tone, but has it ever occurred to you that your mother and sisters may be incapable of being the kind of idealized family that you would like to have? If they didn't care about you, they wouldn't send you unsolicited advice, articles on physical and mental health, diet pills and financial planning. They may think what they're doing is a demonstration of their love and concern for you.

The surest way I know to "let go of the old dreams and wishes" is to concentrate on the here and now and the blessings you have in your life -- a solid marriage, a good job, caring friends and the ability to help those less fortunate. Christmas and New Year's can be a taxing time for those who are emotionally vulnerable. Because these holiday blues happen every year, some sessions with a licensed mental health professional could help you break that cycle.

DEAR ABBY: When I come home and my girlfriend is there, I greet her with a cheerful "hello" or "good morning." Her usual response is somewhere between a grunt and a sniff.

If I am home first and she walks in, she will immediately launch into a conversation without giving me a greeting. I have tried explaining to her that her behavior makes me feel like she isn't happy to see me. But when I tell her it hurts my feelings, she accuses me of trying to "control her."

She always gives her co-workers and friends a nice, friendly greeting when she sees them. Am I being too sensitive? I feel I deserve a similar acknowledgment if I take the time to be cordial. -- SHORTCHANGED IN GEORGIA

DEAR SHORTCHANGED: You're not being overly sensitive, and asking to be treated with warmth and courtesy isn't being controlling. Your girlfriend appears to take you and your affection for granted.

If there are other problems in your relationship, perhaps it's time to step back, take a cool and rational look at how you are being treated in other areas, and decide whether it is in your best interest to continue it.

DEAR ABBY: I have begun dating a woman I find very attractive. I'll call her "Rita." We have many things in common, and she's a lot of fun to be with.

The only thing that troubles me is that after 12 years of being divorced, Rita is still very much involved with her ex. Most of their children are grown. One is a senior in high school, and an older child still lives at home.

Her ex is allowed free access to her home, mostly to see the kids -- and comes and goes at will. They travel together to family functions and to visit children who live in other parts of the state.

Rita recently had her hair styled differently and told me she was annoyed that her ex didn't seem to notice. When he comes to her house to cook for the kids, he leaves the kitchen a mess, which she apparently cleans up.

Do you think Rita has gotten past the divorce? What would you say the odds are of having a successful relationship with her? -- DAZED AND CONFUSED IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR DAZED AND CONFUSED: That depends upon what you would consider a "successful relationship." Apparently, Rita's divorce was a very amiable one, and the ex is still a part of her and the children's lives. This can be considered a plus or a minus, depending upon how you feel about a package deal -- because it appears that is what you'll be getting if you become serious about Rita.

DEAR ABBY: I have a "pennies from heaven" story you might appreciate. My best friend, "Darrel," was a smoker who collected quarters. His apartment had two distinguishing features -- stacks of quarters and the smell of secondhand smoke. Because we were both busy people, we had seen each other only twice in about a year, but maintained a phone and e-mail friendship.

I had planned a trip out west to spend time with family and had e-mailed him about it. Unbeknownst to me, Darrel had been very ill, and he died the day I sent the e-mail. I learned about it while I was in transit to my destination. There was nothing I could do. I had no way to get to his funeral and no way to say goodbye.

When we reached our hotel -- part of a smoke-free chain -- my husband and I opened the door to our room and were greeted by a familiar odor. It smelled just like Darrel's apartment! And when I walked to the dresser to unpack, two quarters were sitting on top. It was then that my husband and I agreed that Darrel had stopped to say goodbye on his way to heaven. -- QUARTERS FROM HEAVEN

DEAR QUARTERS: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your friend. I'm glad you received some comfort in your time of need. However, it's entirely possible that the guest who occupied the room before you broke the rules and puffed away in a room that was supposed to be nonsmoking. I hope you notified the front desk so you could be switched to other accommodations, and the room could be thoroughly cleaned and deodorized to prevent someone with a sensitivity to smoke from walking in and experiencing a severe allergic reaction.

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