Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I love my husband, but how do you make a man stop embarrassing you in public?

My husband flirts openly with cashiers right in front of me, and asks complete strangers walking by if they would "like to buy a wife cheap."

Yesterday we went out to lunch and the bill was $18.42. He made a big fuss about it with the cashier, then loudly informed me it was my "fat a--" meal that cost so much. Abby, my meal was $6. I died a million deaths that day.

My husband is proud to have the nickname "Mr. Rude." Many of my friends avoid him because of his rudeness. He tells me people think it's funny, but I know they are offended. -- NOT LAUGHING IN CINCINNATI

DEAR NOT LAUGHING: Excuse me? Is "Mr. Rude" the same man you married, or is his poor imitation of Henny Youngman something new? If it's something new, your husband needs his head examined. If it's the way he has always behaved and you have tolerated being ridiculed this way for years, then you need to tell him to knock it off or ask yourself why you put up with it.

Your husband's behavior is inexcusable. But, if necessary, two can play that "game." With a little time I'm sure you can come up with a retort or two that will teach him a lesson he won't forget. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

DEAR ABBY: I am a bachelor by choice. I love my freedom. If I were interested in raising children, I would have married and had some.

My problem is a young man I'll call "Kyle." Kyle is 14 and attends the same house of worship that I do. He has become attached to my hip.

Kyle is extremely intelligent, multilingual (which I am not), but small for his age. Whenever I go there, he changes seats to be near me. If I ask him to move for a moment so I can speak privately to someone, he gets a hurt look on his face.

The boy has few friends, probably because he's more intelligent than most teens. His father, also an intellectual, often puts Kyle down.

His mother told me Kyle talks about me often at home -- when he's not beating up his younger brother, raging at his parents or throwing temper tantrums. Abby, I don't want to be a role model. I am older than his parents. I enjoy talking to him after services, but I do not want to be his buddy.

Kyle's mother has now started asking me to come to their home for meals, in an effort to control the boy. (When Kyle is with me, he is kinder, more considerate, polite and helpful than he usually is, according to his mom.)

How can I, without hurting this young man or changing my place of worship, get Kyle to find a buddy closer to his age? -- SOLO IN FLORIDA

DEAR SOLO: You should not be placed in the position of trying to solve this troubled family's problems. Kyle isn't looking for a "friend"; he is looking for a father.

Start by talking to your religious adviser and explaining what you know about Kyle's family situation. Perhaps his "intellectual" but insensitive father can be made to recognize that his son's problems stem from the need for a parent who loves, values and accepts him. And if he doesn't get it now, Dad may be paying for a lot of couch time later.

P.S. Politely refuse those dinner invitations, because if you don't, you'll not only be socially obligated to reciprocate in some way, you will also be trapped.

DEAR ABBY: Please print this for teachers everywhere:

Dear Miss Regan: Wherever you are now, I hope you can read this. I was that curly-haired kid in your third- and fourth-grade class in Brooklyn many years ago. I remember your love of animals and books. At the end of each school day you used to read the Dr. Doolittle stories to us. In my home there was almost no reading, but because of your influence, I went to the library, checked out the Dr. Doolittle books and read them cover-to-cover.

I remember how, when kids misbehaved, you held mock trials in which student volunteers played the part of the judge, the lawyers, the jurors, etc. Because of it, I gained a deep respect for law and order not only in the classroom but also in the outside world.

You made us draw maps of New York City over and over. I appreciated knowing the geography of the city so well. And you taught the boys as well as the girls how to crochet. I never used that skill, but it was nice to have been exposed to it.

Now that I am a teacher, I often wonder if I make a difference in my students' lives. But when I do, I think back to your class and am reminded that, yes, the children do walk away with lifelong gifts. Thank you for all you did for me. -- HOWARD IN BRIDGEWATER, N.J.

DEAR HOWARD: I am pleased to print your letter. I am often asked for gift suggestions for teachers. Your message illustrates that one of the most meaningful gifts a teacher can receive is a letter from a former student, recalling a memory or life lesson learned in his or her classroom. These letters are more precious than anything money could buy because the most meaningful thing we have in life is knowing that during the time we spent on this Earth we were able to make a difference.

DEAR ABBY: I attend a number of women's events, and a pet peeve of mine is when one or more of the women immediately pull out pictures of their grandchildren, their children's weddings or their pets and proceed to show them to everyone.

I know these women are proud, but they should realize that not everyone wants to look at these photos. There are times when I itch to say something, but I'm afraid they would reply with something like, "Oh, you're just jealous because you don't have grandchildren."

One woman dominated the entire conversation at one luncheon. No one knew her daughter and son-in-law or their relatives, and I imagine they were looking at the pictures just to be polite, as was I. I resented her standing behind me while delivering her lengthy description of each one to the person sitting next to me.

What should I do when I find myself in this situation again -- as I know I will? -- BORED BY THE PICTURES, BIRMINGHAM, ALA.

DEAR BORED: It would not be rude to suddenly have an "urgent call of nature" and excuse yourself to go to the restroom. I'll bet if you do, others at the table will join you. And should you see a friend on the way back, it also isn't rude to stop and chat for a moment. When you get back to the table, raise another topic of conversation.

TO MY CHRISTIAN READERS: A very Merry Christmas one and all!

DEAR ABBY: I hope you can help with an etiquette question. With same-sex marriage becoming more commonplace, how should I address a letter to a same-sex couple?

Example: Now that Ellen DeGeneres has married Portia de Rossi, would I write to "Mrs. and Mrs. Ellen DeGeneres"? "The Ellen DeGeneres Family"? or "Ellen and Portia DeGeneres"? None of the manners books that I have checked has been able to provide an answer, and I have not seen the issue in print. What do you think? -- STRAIGHT, NOT NARROW IN GLENDALE, ARIZ.

DEAR STRAIGHT, NOT NARROW: Because this topic is so new, there isn't one hard-and-fast answer to your question. Some couples keep or change their individual names, some join their names together with a hyphen, others select a name together and adopt it.

If you have a question about how a particular couple would prefer their mail to be addressed, my advice is to ask them.

DEAR ABBY: While I was visiting with a relative recently, she informed me that my late husband, "John," who died several years ago, had been having an affair. I was so shocked, I did not respond.

John and I married young and experienced good times and bad, but we were happy together -- or so I thought. I live in a small town with many friends and relatives. Needless to say, my heart is broken. I don't know how to respond, or if I should. Why would someone be so hurtful? -- HEARTBROKEN IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Your relative is either malicious or a thoughtless motormouth, and what she said may not be true. Respond by treating her as if she has a contagious disease, because in a sense she does. The disease she spreads is misery.

If YOU think you and John had a happy life together, then you did. If John may have lapsed once along the way, forgive him because, in the final analysis, you two made it to the finish line together. Many couples do not.

DEAR ABBY: After 30 years as an automotive transmission rebuilder, I retired. I am blessed with a loving wife, three grown kids, beautiful 10-year-old twin granddaughters, a sugar-sweet beagle, three ungrateful, sassy cats and two time-consuming hobbies. Sounds perfect, doesn't it?

The downside is that eight out of 10 nights, I dream about my previous job. I drift around in the clouds rebuilding transmissions, putting a spring here, a valve there. I'd rather be dreaming about more interesting things -- hunting, fishing and women -- not necessarily in that order.

Can you tell me how to redirect my dreams and enjoy my sleep? Do other tradesmen such as butchers, bakers and candlestick-makers relive their old trades in dreamland? -- ONCE A MECHANIC ... IN ARIZONA

DEAR ONCE A MECHANIC: Your letter shows you can take a mechanic out of the trade, but you can't necessarily take the trade out of the mechanic, butcher, baker, candlestick-maker -- or advice columnist, for that matter. If someone has performed a job long enough, it becomes part of him or her. Of one thing I am certain: The harder one tries NOT to dream about something, the more he or she will.

We cannot control our subconscious -- but we can redirect it. An hour before bedtime, try leafing through magazines about hunting and fishing, or photo albums with pictures of your granddaughters. This may guide your thoughts in a more desirable direction as you drift off to dreamland. And should you find yourself once more at your workbench after nodding off, try this: Tell yourself, "OK, it's time to change the channel." It has worked for me.