DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old male who has been in a relationship with a great woman, "Hayley," for three years. She has excellent qualities, a good job, she's super loving and would be a wonderful wife someday.

My family loves Hayley -- but my buddies don't, and it is causing me to have mixed feelings. Some days I love her, but on others I want to break up. Then I think of how fantastic our lives would be together. It's weird, because Hayley doesn't change her personality -- it's totally my issue. I'm scared that if I break up with her it could be the worst mistake of my life, and I'll regret it.

Please give me some guidance and point me in the right direction to find the love I have for her. -- SENSITIVE GUY, MILWAUKEE

DEAR SENSITIVE GUY: Hayley may make a wonderful wife someday, but from your letter, YOU are nowhere near ready for marriage. Mature love doesn't blow hot and cold, and the feelings you finally experience for the woman you marry won't be dictated by the impression she makes on your buddies. If you need me to point you in the right direction to "find" the love you have for Hayley, then I don't think it is there to begin with. And the honorable thing to do is to level with her.

DEAR ABBY: When I was 6, my stepfather molested me repeatedly. He served seven years in prison, got lots of therapy and came out a much better man. I am now 20, and he recently e-mailed me and apologized for everything.

I forgave him a long time ago and let him know. We are now on speaking terms via e-mail only, but my boyfriend, my best friend and my mother all think I'm stupid for forgiving him. Abby, what should I tell these people? -- FORGIVING IN SEATTLE

DEAR FORGIVING: Tell them that carrying a load of hatred and resentment toward your abuser was more of a burden than forgiving him. HOWEVER, forgiving your molester doesn't mean that you must have a continuing dialogue with him.

I find it extremely inappropriate that he's trying to insinuate himself into your life now. If you have any intention of allowing it, I urge you to first discuss it with a psychotherapist who specializes in sexual impulse disorders. Although you are no longer a child, one day you might have one. Forewarned is forearmed.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are expecting our first child in a few weeks. While we couldn't be more excited, one thing is really eating at me. When discussing what our parents should be called -- like "Grandma," "Nanny," "Gramps," etc. -- my father-in-law said he wants to be called "Pop."

I think the name "Pop" is for a dad, not a grandfather -- like in "a Mom and Pop business." I recommended "Pop-Pop," but they told me that name was already being used in the family.

Other than on this issue, my in-laws and I get along great. I know it seems petty, but are there any grandfathers out there who are called "Pop"? Do you have any suggestions for any other names? Or should I not make a big deal of this? -- CALL ME DADDY, PORT JERVIS, N.Y.

DEAR DADDY: Congratulations on your pending paternity, but please don't do too much preplanning regarding the name game. These things have a way of working themselves out, so don't sweat the small stuff. When your little one reaches the talking stage, it's very possible that he or she will call the grandfather by a name that he or she invents.

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, a couple built a home on the lot next to ours. From the time they moved in, we have been concerned about their 11-year-old son's anti-social behavior. It began with him trying to coax our dog into his yard when we were trying to call her in. Then he started coming into our yard, playing roughly with our three small children and using vulgar language around our 8-year-old daughter.

He is no longer allowed in our yard and has been kicked out of three other homes in the neighborhood. The most recent incident occurred a few days ago, when he yelled a profanity at our daughter. I called his mother, and she told me her son would "never behave that way"!

Abby, this boy is creepy. I don't trust him. He stands in his yard staring at us whenever we are outside. I'm worried his behavior will get worse. Other neighbors have seen him abuse his dog and other animals. His parents never watch him. What do we do? I'm worried about my children's safety. -- AFRAID IN WISCONSIN

DEAR AFRAID: You have described a child who is emotionally disturbed and parents who are in denial. Because the neighbors have seen him abuse animals, a report should be made to the police and the department of animal welfare in your community. This boy has no empathy for others and needs professional help. Until he gets it, you are wise to be concerned about your children. Keep a watchful eye.

DEAR ABBY: I lost my father a few months ago after his long battle with cancer. We were very close, and I miss him terribly.

My ex-husband and I are not on good terms, despite the fact that we have children together. He asked our kids -- not me -- if it was OK if he attended the funeral. I told them I didn't want him there. I just wanted to grieve in peace.

A few minutes after Dad's funeral service began, my ex walked in the back door. My sister knew he had been asked not to attend, so she asked him to please leave.

I am so disgusted. My former in-laws, whom I didn't get along with either, sent flowers. I would have preferred they keep their flowers -- but at least they didn't show up.

My children are now mad at me because their father was asked to leave. I just wanted to be left alone. I don't understand why this was so hard for everyone to understand. It was my father, not his, and I just wanted to grieve in peace. -- MOURNING FOR MY DAD IN MISSOURI

DEAR MOURNING: Please accept my condolences for the loss of your father. Your children may have wanted their father there because they were grieving the loss of their grandfather.

According to Emily Post: "If there was ill feeling between the ex-spouse and the deceased," and I assume your father felt about your ex as you do, "the ex should not attend the funeral; instead, he (or she) sends flowers and a sympathy note." However, your wishes should not have been ignored.

The new year has begun, and the less baggage you carry into it, the better off you will be. Please try to forgive your ex for his insensitivity and get on with your life. If you can manage that, it will be less painful for you and your children. If you can't, then counseling may help you to let go of some of your anger, and I recommend it.

DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, I moved into a new apartment. The complex, while not luxurious, is quite nice.

A few weeks after I moved in, one of my neighbors informed me that the woman who lives across from me is running a business from her home. Her "services" are illegal, if you know what I mean. I have noticed that whenever I leave my apartment, or return to it, there is yet another strange man entering or leaving.

I am conflicted. This is my home, too, and I shouldn't have to worry about these characters. What if they mistake my door for hers? Also, I have overheard this woman on her cell phone making arrangements for these individuals to come over. She even gives out the gate code to them.

Although I would like to report these illegal activities, I'm afraid of retaliation. What is the best way to handle this? Or should I just look the other way and mind my own business, the way the other neighbors have? -- IT'S MY HOME, TOO, IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR M.H.T.: You and the person who clued you into what has been going on should discuss this matter with the building manager or management company. They should be told exactly what you have told me, including the fact that this woman is giving out the code to the security gate willy-nilly. This is a serious breach of security for every tenant who lives there, and you have a valid reason for concern.

P.S. If you do not feel safe, you should move.

DEAR ABBY: My 20-year-old son, "Gabriel," is suffering from the onset of psychosis. His mother and I have been working with local mental health officials to have him committed to a hospital so he can receive the treatment he so desperately needs.

While my wife was driving him to the hospital, Gabe jumped out of the moving vehicle and took off. He wasn't found for 10 days. When he was returned, we were able to have him committed, and he is now undergoing treatment.

Since then, Gabe has begun talking about his "adventure," which involved walking more than 200 miles. At the time he fled, he was wearing only a shirt, shorts, slippers and a hat. He had $10 on him. He said he made his way through swamps and woods, and was covered with mud and ticks.

After walking for two days, a woman began walking beside him and asked if she could help. Her name was Gay. She took my son into her home, where he was welcomed by her husband and daughter. They also gave him some food and money when he left.

Our son could have died had it not been for Gay and her family. Since we don't know the last name or exact location of these Good Samaritans, a letter in your column is the only way we have to express our deep gratitude. Thank you, and may God bless each of you for your kindness. -- GRATEFUL DAD, ALEXANDRIA, VA.

DEAR GRATEFUL DAD: I'm pleased to print your letter. Not only does it convey your feelings, it also serves as a reminder that the mentally ill people we see living on our streets and in our alleys -- instead of in hospitals where they should be receiving treatment -- are ALL somebody's children. And even if their families are not involved, they are still children of God.

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