DEAR ABBY: Because of the downturn in the economy, I had to close my business. Let me tell you this -- if anyone wants to know who their real friends are, here's how: Own your own business.

Not one friend or family member has mentioned my business loss, much less offered condolences -- and they all know. People have told my husband, who was not part of the business, that they feel sorry for me, but no one will say anything to me about it. I feel like it's the elephant in the room at gatherings when no one mentions it.

Am I wrong to feel hurt by this? I don't know what to do about it. I'm amazed at everyone's rudeness and total self-absorption. Have we become a society that talks to one another only when the news is good, but is too busy to tell people they are sorry for their loss? -- DEPRESSED IN UTAH

DEAR DEPRESSED: Their reluctance to bring the subject up is not because they don't care. It's more likely that they're afraid to say the wrong thing and are afraid they'll make you feel bad if they mention it. This happens often when serious illness strikes or when there is a death in a family. Your friends and relatives don't realize that it's enough to say, "I heard what happened and I'm sorry," which would give you a chance to vent or change the subject if you didn't feel like talking.

I'm glad you wrote because your letter is timely. With businesses closing and people being laid off in record numbers, it is important that they not feel more isolated than they already do. You may not be able to solve an unlucky friend's problem, but knowing you care goes a long way.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were married five years ago. We had a lovely, informal wedding with close friends and loved ones.

I am ashamed to say that I am such a procrastinator that I never mailed any thank-you notes for our gifts. I was raised that it is proper to send them in a timely fashion, but after a certain amount of time passed, I felt too embarrassed to do it.

Abby, every so often the guilt haunts me. I feel terrible for not sending them, and have made a point of telling young couples being married that they need to make sure they send their thank-yous out promptly or they'll regret it.

What should I do? Chalk it up to a life lesson about good manners, or send out thank-you notes five years late with my apologies? -- OOPS! IN MIDDLETOWN, VA.

DEAR OOPS!: Sometimes for someone to do the right thing takes a "gentle nudge" from an advice columnist, so please allow me: The people who gave you the wedding presents likely have not forgotten that they didn't hear a word from you. So, START WRITING. Do what you know you should have done in the first place. Better late than never.

DEAR ABBY: My wife says it's impolite to point at a person or thing when drawing attention to it. We argue about this small matter all the time. Am I wrong in insisting it's OK? Thanks for your response. -- CHARLES IN MISSOURI

DEAR CHARLES: It is considered bad manners to point at a person because to do so conveys the message that he -- or she -- is being talked about and possibly made fun of. Pointing at objects is a lazy way of communicating something you should be able to put into words, but it's nothing to argue about. On a scale of 10, it's a zero.

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DEAR ABBY: Is it possible to be a slut and still be a virgin? I am 20, and I am good at attracting boys, but I'm still a virgin because I have never had an actual relationship.

I "hook up" with many guys, sometimes two in the same weekend. I bring them home from parties, but they aren't strangers. I know them from school.

Since my best friends and I moved into our apartment, I have brought five different guys home with me, but I have not had sex with any of them. The other day, one of my friends told me I'd better be careful that I don't get a reputation. I was surprised because I thought you had to actually have sex with a lot of people in order to get a bad reputation. I'm just having fun. What do you think? -- HAVING FUN IN VIRGINIA

DEAR HAVING FUN: It depends upon what you mean by "fun." If your definition of fun is doing "everything but," then the person who warned you about you getting a reputation has a point -- eventually you will get a reputation.

However, if all you and these guys are doing is hanging out, then I'd say the person who warned you may be jealous. It reminds me of the saying, "A 'slut' is anyone who is more popular than me."

DEAR ABBY: I'm a man in my 60s, and my health isn't the greatest. My son "Dan" asked me to move in with him, but I'm reluctant. I spent some time with his girlfriend, "Twylla," when they lived with me for six months, and the entire time all she did was complain to me about my "no-good son." During that "visit" she never lifted a finger to do dishes, clean her room or even prepare a meal for herself.

I can still take care of myself, but I'm not able to take care of Twylla. Last night she phoned me screaming and crying because Dan went to his friend's house without her. I told her if she didn't like the way he treated her, to go home to Mommy and Daddy. When she called them, they told her Dan is entitled to a night out with his male friends. (They told me about it.) I told her father to come and get her if she thinks my son is abusing her.

I like Twylla when she's not complaining, but I need a polite way to tell her to shut up. Dan works 12-hour shifts, seven days a week, and deserves to relax. He has had to call the police about her; they locked her in the psych ward because she took pills and tried to commit suicide.

I want to spend time with my son and grandson, but I need some rules for Twylla's conduct before moving in with them. What do you suggest? -- AT A LOSS IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR AT A LOSS: You need more than a polite way to tell your son's girlfriend to "shut up." You need to think again about moving into their home, which would be a stressful environment.

If you move in, Twylla will expect you to continue your assigned role as her parent, housekeeper, confidant and referee as she dumps her complaints (real or imagined) about your son on you. Twylla may be a nice girl when she's in her right mind, but it appears her mental health is fragile. If you were in good health, my advice might be different. But as things stand, the stress could cause your health to deteriorate further.

Because you would like to spend more time with your son, my advice is to stay close to them -- but in your own place. That way you'll have some refuge and respite, and so will Dan.

DEAR ABBY: My heart is broken. I don't know how to fix it, and sometimes I want to kill myself. I'm in love with my children's father and he knows it. "Brad" comes over to have sex with me, but we're not together. He tells me he's single, but I know he's with someone else. I want him to be honest -- give me that much respect -- because I have two kids by him.

Brad is the only person I'm having sex with. I told him I'm getting too old to play games. I'm trying to get on with my life, but still we have sex.

When do I say enough is enough? I tell Brad I need to drop the kids off, and he tells me no. But I need some alone time, too. If I had known our relationship would turn out like this, I would never have gotten involved with him. I love him with all my heart. Please tell me what to do. -- HEARTSICK IN KANSAS

DEAR HEARTSICK: For the sake of your mental health and for your children's future, wake up and realize that you are not "in love" with Brad. You're in love with the fantasy of who you would LIKE him to be.

The person you have described is immature, a liar and so selfish he doesn't care who is hurt by his behavior -- not you and not his children. He will never change. Allowing this man in your life is fruitless, and you will not become stronger until you finally accept that fact.

If you haven't already done so, contact the social services department in your state to ensure that Brad contributes something to the children's care. If you need alone time, trade favors with another single mother or a trusted friend or family member. But please, do not continue on the path you're on because it's leading you nowhere.

DEAR ABBY: I work in an office where there are more men than women. We all share one bathroom. Fairness would dictate that the toilet seat be left up, as more males will need it that way; however, I can't escape the feeling that the seat's natural position is down. Do you know what is proper? -- JUST WONDERING

DEAR JUST WONDERING: I'm glad you asked. According to Emily Post, "In a unisex restroom, don't leave the toilet seat up."

DEAR ABBY: Help me decide -- should I stay or should I go? My companion, "Ted," and I have known each other for more than two years and have lived together for a year. We have a good relationship and enjoy many of the same things. He pays all the bills, and if we go anywhere, he pays for our trip.

Friends keep asking when Ted and I are going to get married. He is 78 and I am 61. I would like to be married, but Ted says "never," he's "too old to get married."

He was married to his late wife for 45 years. I have been married three times. My last two husbands died, so I understand loss. Ted says he now wants only a girlfriend.

Our family members get along well. One of his children even asked me when we're tying the knot. Abby, is there really an age when it's too old to marry? -- YOUNG AT HEART IN FLORIDA

DEAR YOUNG AT HEART: No, couples older than you and Ted have married. What your companion is telling you is that HE doesn't want to make that kind of commitment again. If a live-in relationship with Ted is something you enjoy and his paying the travel expenses is enough, then stay. However, if a lifetime commitment is what you're really looking for, then you'll have to look elsewhere.