DEAR ABBY: I consider my best friend, "Randall," to be my platonic soul mate -- like a brother, only closer. Randall is gay. I am a straight female. We have no romantic interest, but a deep and meaningful love nonetheless.

We have talked about raising children together, but in order to adopt in some states there is a requirement that the parents be married. Our state does not happen to be one of them.

Would it be considered duping friends and family to have a "real" wedding? -- PLATONIC SOUL MATE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR PLATONIC SOUL MATE: There is no requirement that in order to be married a couple MUST have sex. If you and Randall wish to be legally married and have a "real" wedding, nothing prevents it.

HOWEVER: Before you take such a step, it is extremely important that you and Randall have an understanding and ensure that you are really committed to raising a child (or children) TOGETHER, even if one of you should meet someone. It would be sad, indeed, if after adopting, the marriage didn't work out and you wound up fighting over custody of the children. It happens all too often when "traditional" marriages fail, and it could happen to you unless you have a meeting of the minds.

DEAR ABBY: There is a bully at my daughter's school. My child is terrified to get on the bus in the morning and shaking when she comes home. She told me that the bully picks only on her. She has taken my daughter's lunch money, shoved her against the lockers and pushed her into one of the garbage cans behind the school.

I have complained to the school board and to the bully's mom. It did no good. I can't afford to take my daughter out of public school and put her into a private school, and if I quit my job to home school her, we will have no source of income. I don't want my daughter to suffer any more than she already has. What should I do? -- HEARTSICK MOTHER, RICHARDSON, TEXAS

DEAR MOTHER: I'm sorry you didn't tell the principal of your daughter's school what was happening before it went this far, because he or she would have been required to document the incident. Because your daughter has been robbed and assaulted and your complaints have not been addressed, you should contact the police and file a report.

DEAR ABBY: I am 16 and have been swimming my entire life. Swimming has brought me so much pleasure, I think everyone should have the opportunity to experience it.

My friend "Ethan" doesn't know how. He is 18 and nearly drowned in a friend's backyard pool when he was 8. He has been terrified of water ever since.

I have been trying to persuade Ethan to take swimming lessons, but he says it would be embarrassing to learn now at this age. He also says being a nonswimmer will not be a problem because he doesn't plan on ever going near water. I still think he should learn -- in case he is ever in a situation that involves water.

What would be a less embarrassing alternative for him than swimming lessons at a public pool? -- AQUATIC IN OTTAWA

DEAR AQUATIC: Private lessons at a private pool. And you are correct that everyone should know at least the basics of how to swim. Your friend may not plan on swimming for pleasure, but he should know what to do if a child or pet should get into trouble in a pool, at the beach, etc.

TO MY ASIAN READERS: Today marks the beginning of the Lunar New Year. This is the Year of the Ox. Those born in the Year of the Ox are steadfast and determined -- and that's no bull. To one and all, a Happy New Year!

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Because of the downturn in the economy, I had to close my business. Let me tell you this -- if anyone wants to know who their real friends are, here's how: Own your own business.

Not one friend or family member has mentioned my business loss, much less offered condolences -- and they all know. People have told my husband, who was not part of the business, that they feel sorry for me, but no one will say anything to me about it. I feel like it's the elephant in the room at gatherings when no one mentions it.

Am I wrong to feel hurt by this? I don't know what to do about it. I'm amazed at everyone's rudeness and total self-absorption. Have we become a society that talks to one another only when the news is good, but is too busy to tell people they are sorry for their loss? -- DEPRESSED IN UTAH

DEAR DEPRESSED: Their reluctance to bring the subject up is not because they don't care. It's more likely that they're afraid to say the wrong thing and are afraid they'll make you feel bad if they mention it. This happens often when serious illness strikes or when there is a death in a family. Your friends and relatives don't realize that it's enough to say, "I heard what happened and I'm sorry," which would give you a chance to vent or change the subject if you didn't feel like talking.

I'm glad you wrote because your letter is timely. With businesses closing and people being laid off in record numbers, it is important that they not feel more isolated than they already do. You may not be able to solve an unlucky friend's problem, but knowing you care goes a long way.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were married five years ago. We had a lovely, informal wedding with close friends and loved ones.

I am ashamed to say that I am such a procrastinator that I never mailed any thank-you notes for our gifts. I was raised that it is proper to send them in a timely fashion, but after a certain amount of time passed, I felt too embarrassed to do it.

Abby, every so often the guilt haunts me. I feel terrible for not sending them, and have made a point of telling young couples being married that they need to make sure they send their thank-yous out promptly or they'll regret it.

What should I do? Chalk it up to a life lesson about good manners, or send out thank-you notes five years late with my apologies? -- OOPS! IN MIDDLETOWN, VA.

DEAR OOPS!: Sometimes for someone to do the right thing takes a "gentle nudge" from an advice columnist, so please allow me: The people who gave you the wedding presents likely have not forgotten that they didn't hear a word from you. So, START WRITING. Do what you know you should have done in the first place. Better late than never.

DEAR ABBY: My wife says it's impolite to point at a person or thing when drawing attention to it. We argue about this small matter all the time. Am I wrong in insisting it's OK? Thanks for your response. -- CHARLES IN MISSOURI

DEAR CHARLES: It is considered bad manners to point at a person because to do so conveys the message that he -- or she -- is being talked about and possibly made fun of. Pointing at objects is a lazy way of communicating something you should be able to put into words, but it's nothing to argue about. On a scale of 10, it's a zero.

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DEAR ABBY: Is it possible to be a slut and still be a virgin? I am 20, and I am good at attracting boys, but I'm still a virgin because I have never had an actual relationship.

I "hook up" with many guys, sometimes two in the same weekend. I bring them home from parties, but they aren't strangers. I know them from school.

Since my best friends and I moved into our apartment, I have brought five different guys home with me, but I have not had sex with any of them. The other day, one of my friends told me I'd better be careful that I don't get a reputation. I was surprised because I thought you had to actually have sex with a lot of people in order to get a bad reputation. I'm just having fun. What do you think? -- HAVING FUN IN VIRGINIA

DEAR HAVING FUN: It depends upon what you mean by "fun." If your definition of fun is doing "everything but," then the person who warned you about you getting a reputation has a point -- eventually you will get a reputation.

However, if all you and these guys are doing is hanging out, then I'd say the person who warned you may be jealous. It reminds me of the saying, "A 'slut' is anyone who is more popular than me."

DEAR ABBY: I'm a man in my 60s, and my health isn't the greatest. My son "Dan" asked me to move in with him, but I'm reluctant. I spent some time with his girlfriend, "Twylla," when they lived with me for six months, and the entire time all she did was complain to me about my "no-good son." During that "visit" she never lifted a finger to do dishes, clean her room or even prepare a meal for herself.

I can still take care of myself, but I'm not able to take care of Twylla. Last night she phoned me screaming and crying because Dan went to his friend's house without her. I told her if she didn't like the way he treated her, to go home to Mommy and Daddy. When she called them, they told her Dan is entitled to a night out with his male friends. (They told me about it.) I told her father to come and get her if she thinks my son is abusing her.

I like Twylla when she's not complaining, but I need a polite way to tell her to shut up. Dan works 12-hour shifts, seven days a week, and deserves to relax. He has had to call the police about her; they locked her in the psych ward because she took pills and tried to commit suicide.

I want to spend time with my son and grandson, but I need some rules for Twylla's conduct before moving in with them. What do you suggest? -- AT A LOSS IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR AT A LOSS: You need more than a polite way to tell your son's girlfriend to "shut up." You need to think again about moving into their home, which would be a stressful environment.

If you move in, Twylla will expect you to continue your assigned role as her parent, housekeeper, confidant and referee as she dumps her complaints (real or imagined) about your son on you. Twylla may be a nice girl when she's in her right mind, but it appears her mental health is fragile. If you were in good health, my advice might be different. But as things stand, the stress could cause your health to deteriorate further.

Because you would like to spend more time with your son, my advice is to stay close to them -- but in your own place. That way you'll have some refuge and respite, and so will Dan.