DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding the letter from "San Diego Sinner" (Nov. 21), whose mother says wearing thong underwear is sinful. Abby, that mother may not have known a better way to express her views. I believe she was trying to protect her daughters from males who might view the absence of a pantyline as a "signal" that they are sexually available.

The issue here isn't underwear; it's the girls' lack of trust in their mother. They should accept their mom's ruling as an indication of her love and concern for them. Her attitude may be quaint, but she loves them or she wouldn't be concerned. -- MARY IN ALBUQUERQUE

DEAR MARY: You are a sweet lady, and while I'm sure the mother in question is trying to be conscientious, she may have overreacted. When I asked for reader input on this -- "thongs up or thongs down" -- I had no idea that thousands of people would take me up on it. My staff and I were buried!

Thongs are so commonplace today they are no longer considered to be a "moral barometer." They are worn by mothers, grandmothers, teachers -- I even received a "thongs up" vote from an ordained minister. The following correspondence should be enlightening. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm the daughter of a clergyman, deeply involved in my church. I dress conservatively and am as far from being promiscuous as it's possible to be and not be in a convent.

Most women wear thongs to avoid a pantyline. I suspect that the mother in that letter fears her daughters are trying to be sexy or are sexually active because they wear thongs. It's a mistake. It is possible for a girl who wears "granny panties" to still sleep around. -- RELIGIOUS IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR ABBY: I vote thongs down. They strike me as being as "comfortable" and "sexy" as walking around with dental floss between one's teeth. -- REALIST IN N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: Moral issues aside, thongs are not good for your health. Wearing thongs has caused an increase in the number of vaginal yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis infections in women. That teeny strip of fabric is a "bacteria highway" from back to front.

I work in a hospital, and you wouldn't believe how many parents bring elementary school-age daughters to our pediatric ER for urinary tract infections. The parents are repeatedly advised not to buy thong underwear for their girls. Add my vote to thongs down. -- T.W. IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR ABBY: When my oldest child was in kindergarten, his teacher approached me one day and handed me a Ziploc baggie. When I saw my nicely folded black silk thong inside, I nearly fainted.

I had done the laundry the night before, and my thong had velcroed to my son's jacket. He had raised his hand in class asking, "What is this?" My question: Would you rather your child's teacher find big "granny" undies or a thong? (Did I mention this was a Catholic school?) -- RED-FACED IN RENO

DEAR ABBY: When I was a new bride 30 years ago, my husband gave me money to buy a pair of "thongs." The only thongs I had ever heard of were those flat rubber sandals. Imagine his surprise when I got home and he asked me to "model" them. When I came out wearing fire engine red flip-flops, his expression was priceless. Imagine MY surprise when I realized what he'd meant by "thongs." I had seen those items displayed in the lingerie department and always assumed they were jock straps for transvestites. -- THONGS ARE WRONG IN BUFFALO

DEAR ABBY: I vote thongs up. My manicurist's mother -- a woman in her 80s -- recently moved in with her. While doing her mother's laundry, she came across a thong. Shocked, she said, "Mom!" Her mother replied, "I'm not dead yet." -- CAROL IN BURLINGTON, VT.

READERS: Tomorrow the results of my poll -- and we'll hear what male readers said on this subject.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

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DEAR ABBY: I am 13 and in eighth grade. I love my mom very much, but lately I'm worried about the things she makes me do for her. She takes me to the mall and makes me steal clothes, jewelry and household items.

I don't want to disappoint my mom, but I'm afraid I'll get caught and get in trouble with the law. What should I do? -- SHOPLIFTING FOR MOM

DEAR SHOPLIFTING: What your mother is doing is a form of child abuse. You are a smart girl, and you can have a bright future. It will, however, become much harder for you if you are arrested for shoplifting. That is why I am urging you to talk about this with a counselor or trusted teacher at school. You need more help right now than anyone can give you in a letter. Please don't put it off because I am worried about you.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Kirk," and I have been married for 12 years. About a year ago we moved overseas because my husband is in the military. Before the move, Kirk was gone for a year, and I became very independent because I had to do everything myself. We had had some problems before, but since the move they have gotten worse.

We don't talk or even stay in the same room for very long. Kirk treats me like a roommate and hasn't touched me in more than a year. I have tried to talk to him about this, but all I get is, "I don't know what I want."

Abby, he makes it sound like it's all my fault. To say the least, this causes me stress and I end up yelling at our kids, which isn't fair to them. Please help me because I don't know what to do. -- UNHAPPY MILITARY WIFE

DEAR UNHAPPY WIFE: Your marriage is in serious trouble, and it won't improve unless you and your husband can find a safe place in which you can communicate frankly and honestly. An excellent place to start would be by talking to the chaplain on the base where your husband is stationed. If your husband won't go with you, then go alone.

DEAR ABBY: When I was 20 and in an abusive marriage, I had an affair with a much older man I'll call "Ben." Ben promised he would take me away from the pain, and we both left our respective partners.

Twenty years later, Ben's ex-wife is still bitter about their divorce. Although Ben and I are no longer together, I feel the need to apologize to her for my role in ending their marriage. I admit I did some nasty things to her when she expressed her vindictiveness over the years.

I am now married with children and lead a very different life, and I'm ashamed of my behavior back then. I want to accept accountability for what I did and give her the chance to address me. I don't think she will be receptive, but for her to still carry this anger 20 years later -- and never to have remarried -- validates that I have caused her much pain.

Should I write her, call her or just put it behind me once and for all? -- REMORSEFUL IN GEORGIA

DEAR REMORESEFUL: If I understand you correctly, what you want is to lessen your guilt by letting this woman tell you how deeply hurt she was that you helped to destroy her marriage. I can see the benefit for YOU, but how will it benefit her besides dredging up all the pain and anger you caused her? Will it ease either one? I doubt it. Nor will it cause her to remarry or to think better of you.

Better to let the scab stay in place rather than pick at it and concentrate on finding another avenue for redeeming yourself.

DEAR ABBY: I consider my best friend, "Randall," to be my platonic soul mate -- like a brother, only closer. Randall is gay. I am a straight female. We have no romantic interest, but a deep and meaningful love nonetheless.

We have talked about raising children together, but in order to adopt in some states there is a requirement that the parents be married. Our state does not happen to be one of them.

Would it be considered duping friends and family to have a "real" wedding? -- PLATONIC SOUL MATE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR PLATONIC SOUL MATE: There is no requirement that in order to be married a couple MUST have sex. If you and Randall wish to be legally married and have a "real" wedding, nothing prevents it.

HOWEVER: Before you take such a step, it is extremely important that you and Randall have an understanding and ensure that you are really committed to raising a child (or children) TOGETHER, even if one of you should meet someone. It would be sad, indeed, if after adopting, the marriage didn't work out and you wound up fighting over custody of the children. It happens all too often when "traditional" marriages fail, and it could happen to you unless you have a meeting of the minds.

DEAR ABBY: There is a bully at my daughter's school. My child is terrified to get on the bus in the morning and shaking when she comes home. She told me that the bully picks only on her. She has taken my daughter's lunch money, shoved her against the lockers and pushed her into one of the garbage cans behind the school.

I have complained to the school board and to the bully's mom. It did no good. I can't afford to take my daughter out of public school and put her into a private school, and if I quit my job to home school her, we will have no source of income. I don't want my daughter to suffer any more than she already has. What should I do? -- HEARTSICK MOTHER, RICHARDSON, TEXAS

DEAR MOTHER: I'm sorry you didn't tell the principal of your daughter's school what was happening before it went this far, because he or she would have been required to document the incident. Because your daughter has been robbed and assaulted and your complaints have not been addressed, you should contact the police and file a report.

DEAR ABBY: I am 16 and have been swimming my entire life. Swimming has brought me so much pleasure, I think everyone should have the opportunity to experience it.

My friend "Ethan" doesn't know how. He is 18 and nearly drowned in a friend's backyard pool when he was 8. He has been terrified of water ever since.

I have been trying to persuade Ethan to take swimming lessons, but he says it would be embarrassing to learn now at this age. He also says being a nonswimmer will not be a problem because he doesn't plan on ever going near water. I still think he should learn -- in case he is ever in a situation that involves water.

What would be a less embarrassing alternative for him than swimming lessons at a public pool? -- AQUATIC IN OTTAWA

DEAR AQUATIC: Private lessons at a private pool. And you are correct that everyone should know at least the basics of how to swim. Your friend may not plan on swimming for pleasure, but he should know what to do if a child or pet should get into trouble in a pool, at the beach, etc.

TO MY ASIAN READERS: Today marks the beginning of the Lunar New Year. This is the Year of the Ox. Those born in the Year of the Ox are steadfast and determined -- and that's no bull. To one and all, a Happy New Year!

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